Sketch: Tristram's Island

EXT - BEACH - DAY

A MAN AND A YOUNG BOY STAND ON A DESERTED BEACH. THEIR CLOTHES ARE IN TATTERS.

MAN (V.O.)
It has been two weeks since we washed up on the shore of this... god forsaken island. In that time I and the only other survivor from the ship, a twelve year old boy named Tristram, have existed on a diet of coconut husks and sand... we are growing weak... if we are to last much longer we must learn to hunt. Tristram has come up with a plan...

TRISTRAM
If we use some of the stuff that's washed up on shore then we should be able to knock this up quite easily. Take a look at this picture I've drawn on the sand.

MAN
It's very good Tristram. Very detailed. Well done.

TRISTRAM
Don't patronise me.

MAN
Oh.. I'm sorry.

TRISTRAM
Right, When I spot the prey I'll turn this crank handle, here, which turns the gears and pushes this lever, here. This pushes the stop sign into the boot which tips over this bucket.

MAN
Hmm, Right.

TRISTRAM
Now a large metal ball rolls out of the bucket - we can fashion one from some old metal or something...

MAN
Erm, Tristram?

TRISTRAM
...and down these rickety stairs it rolls. Down, down, down and then through this pipe it goes...

MAN
Tristram?

TRISTRAM
What?

MAN
This all seems rather... elaborate. Erm, smashing fun and all but... maybe a little complicated, perhaps?

TRISTRAM
Ah, you're feeling left out aren't you? I expect you're wondering what part you play in all this?

MAN
That wasn't my first concern...

TRISTRAM
Well, you'll be up here on this diving board.

MAN
Diving board?

TRISTRAM
And when bowling ball falls out of the bottom of the bathtub it'll catapult you through the air and into this bucket here triggering this basket to slide down the knobbly post and bingo - our prey is trapped and it's mouse burgers all round. Hooray!

MAN
Hmm, you know this is all great, Tristram, I mean, you've obviously put a lot of hard work into it...

TRISTRAM
Don't you like it?

MAN
Of course I like it - I bloody love it! I just think that to build something like this could take months... and we'd probably be dead by then.

TRISTRAM
But we could build it really fast!

MAN
Well, yes we could but I still think given our limited skills we'd... still be dead before we even got started.

TRISTRAM LOOKS DOWNCAST

MAN
You see, I was thinking we could just... build a spear. Maybe just throw it at some fish or something... Tristram... Tristram...

TRISTRAM STARTS SOBBING

MAN
Oh please don't... <SIGH> ... so I'm up on the diving board am I?

TRISTRAM
YAYY!! And the metal ball goes WHEEEE! Boom! and you go EEEH! Splat! And the mouse is like EEEK!

FADE TO -

INT - NEWS STUDIO - DAY

REPORTER
In other news today the bodies of two people were on a remote pacific Island. Post mortems revealed that one, a twelve year old buy had died of starvation. The other a forty-four year old male appeared to have suffered extreme head injuries possibly caused by diving head first into a bucket. And now the weather...

END

I liked it Bohannon.
When I first looked at it I thought it looked a little long, but really it was a nice read, made me chuckle, and as such I didn't mind the length.

fraid I have to hate this sketch on principle because I longed for mousetrap as a child,eventually bought it for my own child and it was pants.I've never recovered.
That aside though,it could do with being shortened.Do you need so much detail in the vo at the start?The ending doesnt do much for it either.I'm not being negative but I think it could do with a fair bit of tightening.

I liked this too and it's well-written, but I felt a bit let down by the ending. It built up well, but I was expecting something with a bit more of a punch at the end.

I guess I was aiming for an ending that suggested they'd got as far as building the whole mousetrap contraption (with the man accepting his role on the diving board) and it working - only for the the man to suffer the final indignity of dying when he dived head first into the bucket. Maybe I need a rethink.

Cheers for reading, all.

Bo.