Porn For Beginners

Ok sorry first as it is a tad long. It is not a laugh out loud sketch I know & the tag may need re-working. Any suggestions on cutting it would be great. I dont know if it works it is just a little experiment. I am hoping it will fit into a 10 minute sketch.

A WOMAN WALKS INTO HER LIVINGROOM. HER HUSBAND & HIS TWO MATES ARE SITIING ON THE SETTEE. THERE IS A PORN FILM ON.
THE MEN IGNORE HER.THE WOMAN STANDS, WITH HER HANDS ON HER HIPS.THE PICTURE IS SHOWING A BUSTY BLONDE BEAUTY BEING SHAFTED BY AN UNATTRACTIVE MAN, DOGGIE STYLE. LOTS OF MOANS CAN BE HEARD.

HUSBAND
Phwoar! Look at the face on that. She is loving it.

HIS MATES NOD EAGERLY IN AGREEMENT
THE WOMAN NICKS THE CONTROLS FROM HER HUSBAND & PRESSES THE PAUSE BUTTON. ALL 3 MEN GASP WITH DISAPROVAL.

WOMAN
(Takes a long cane stick out of her rubber plant pot & points it at the TV)
So (Sarcastically) gentleman! You reckon this (Points to the female porn stars face) Is a face of ecstasy do you?

HUSBAND
Yea! She is really, really loving it, eh lads?

THE LADS ALL NOD EAGERLY

WOMAN
No fellas, she is not! I am going to give you a lesson in Porn for beginners!
Are you ready?

THE LADS SHOULDERS SAG WITH DISAPOINTMENT.

WOMAN
(Pointing) This (Sarcastically) lady is just working & look at what is shafting her. The guy is twice her age. Has thick curly hair, a massive beer gut, horrendous acne & is cross eyed. The geezer is a Beast!

MANS FRIEND 1
Yes but it’s his cock, not his face she is enjoying. Right lads?

THE GUYS NOD EARGERLY IN AGREEMENT
THE WOMAN PRESSES THE REWIND BUTTON UNTIL A NAKED SHOT OF THE GUY IS ON SCREEN. SHE PRESSES THE PAUSE.

WOMAN
(Points) are you talking about this cock. This angry purple monster?
Let me ask you this. Do you seriously believe that if this young lady (forwards back to the original clip & points) was in a club, she would really be attracted to (points) that?

MANS FRIEND 2
If he was walking about naked yeah!
WOMAN
(Sighs & sits on the arm of the chair) Fella’s listen. You know when you are at work & a customer is giving you a hard time, but the boss is hanging over your shoulder. Do you still fake your best smile for them?

HUSBAND
Well yea! But that is work. This is porn.

WOMAN
This is her Job fella’s. Her boss is the camera. Her customer is the beast. (Gets up with her stick) This (Points) lady’s face is not an ecstasy face. It is a working face & a ‘I am buying a Chloe Handbag with the money I just earned for this’ face.

MANS FRIEND !
Nah I am not having it.

WOMAN
Cause your not. Ok I tell you what. You fella’s can ask me 3 sexual questions. Anything you like. I will tell the truth on two of them, then blatantly lie on one. You have to guess the lie ok.

HUSBAND
Ok. We like quizzes don’t we lads.

THE LADS ALL NOD IN EAGER AGREEMENT!

HUSBAND
Ok me first. Question 1. Do you like giving blowjobs?

WOMAN
I lurrrve to give blowjobs!

MANS FRIEND 1
What is your favourite position?

WOMAN
Cowgirl.

MANS FRIEND 2
Would you ever have sex with another woman.

WOMAN
NO!
Now one of those 3 answers was a lie. What one is it?

HUSBAND & FRIENDS HUDDLE TOGETHER & WHISPER FOR A WHILE.

HUSBAND
OK we think the 3rd answer was a lie. We reckon you would have sex with another woman.
WOMAN
Ahhhh! Just as I thought. You have picked the 3rd answer because you like the thought of me having another woman .The lie question was No1. I hate giving blowjobs.

HUSBAND
No. You’re lying. You love them.

WOMAN
No! I do not. I hate them. There is simply nothing more horrendous than having something you piss from thrusting down my throat. It makes me gag, gives me jaw ache & then to top it all off you expect me to fill my mouth with something that I can only resemble to snot.

THE MAN ALL GO ‘EWWWWWWWWWW’!

WOMAN
Exactly! I tell you what fella’s. I am going to go to my room now & leave you here to to work out why 3 fellla’s are sitting together watching porn which I must add is merely a naked soap. (The woman presses the play button & hands the remote to her husband then leaves the room).

MANS FRIEND 1
We are not gay lads. We wouldn’t be watching porn with women in, if we were.

MANS FRIEND 2
That’s right! We would be more interested in the mans face eh if we were.

HUSBAND
Yeah! We never mentioned the mans cock did we. Well actually you did. (Jabs Friend 1) You mentioned it.

MANS FRIEND 1
Only as a passing remark. Look I am more concerned about the fact that the girl isn’t loving it.

HUSBAND STANDS UP. TAKES THE STICK & PRESSES THE PAUSE BUTTON!

HUSBAND
Right. This woman here (Points to the porn star) has this face on her because she is loving being shagged!

MANS FRIEND 1
No she is thinking about a Chloe Handbag!

MANS FRIEND 2
Yea & she would never f**k a guy that ugly in the real world.

HUSBAND
Guy’s look. She is f**king him now. Right now on our TV. That is not a ‘Chloe Handbag’ face, that is a ‘Phwoar I am sooooooo horny’ face.
Sure the guy is ugly, but his cock is HUGE!

MANS FRIEND 1
(Gets up close to the TV) Maybe it’s a ‘I am in pain face’ It is remarkably big

MANS FRIEND 2
You mentioned his cock again & so did you (Points to the husband)

HUSBAND
Lads look. We are not gay. I know what has happened here. My Missus has come in & yet again managed to ruin our fun by trying to screw with our brains. We were sitting here 3 lads together, watching this woman (Points) be shagged by this man (Points) & loving it. Lets just go back to that shall we.(Presses play & takes a seat)

THE MEN ALL SIT ON THE SOFA IN UNCOMFOTABLE SILENCE.

MANS FRIEND 2
Erm! I think I should be getting home really.

MANS FRIEND 1
Yea me too.

HUSBAND
But we are going to see a come shot in a minute.

MANS FRIEND 1
Snot shot you mean. I really feel quite ill. That poor pornstar!

HUSBAND
She gets paid f**king thousands.

MANS FRIEND 2
Maybe she has big debts to clear or kids to support.

HUSBAND
Nah! She probably dreamed about becoming a pornstar since she was a little girl.

FRIEND 1
(Shocked) I have a little girl! Oh my god. She is always getting Ken & Barbie naked. FUCK!!! What if she is dreaming about becoming a porn star. Ken has a cock you know & the breasts on Barbie. (Holds his cupped hands out from his chest)

HUSBAND
(Shocked) Yea you better get home mate & destroy those dolls.

THE GUYS LEAVE & THE MAN GOES UPSTAIRS TO SEE HIS WIFE, WHO IS RELAXING ON A BED READING A MAGAZINE

WOMAN
So, how was your film?

MAN
We didn’t really watch much more after you left.

WOMAN
So you are not horny then. There was me going to offer you a BJ. (Shakes her head)

MAN
But you said…You lied….You conniving minx!

WOMAN
No I never lied. I hate giving blow jobs. However I feel a bit guilty. You know that money you gave me for bills. Well I am going to need that again. You see I accidentally brought this with it.

WOMAN HOLDS UP A SHINY BLACK CHLOE HANDBAG.
THE MAN OPENS HIS MOUTH TO PROTEST THEN SIGHS & UNDOES HIS TROUSERS.

Hi Charley

I thought that this hung together really well. I liked the wife character and the way she turned the tables on the guys.

True it's a bit long but really there wasn't much flab in it (well OK the male pornstar and I enjoyed it. I didn't whizz through to the bottom to find the finish either. It kept me reading right until the end.

Like it, Charley! It ends well. I've been planning a sketch about some blokes looking through some 'tech porn' (Phwoar, look at the woofers on that, I wouldn't mind feeling the bass from those babies etc etc), so I'm with you there.

More extracts from Charley's diary.

Yep, it's WAY too long but I like the dynamic between the male and female characters. A woman pointing out to dumb men the truth about porn movies is funny. I'd say make it a third as long, concentrate on the aspect of the woman making the guys appear foolish and you've got yourself a good, fempowering Smack The Pony - style sketch.

Quote: Perry Nium @ February 9, 2008, 7:15 PM

Yep, it's WAY too long but I like the dynamic between the male and female characters. A woman pointing out to dumb men the truth about porn movies is funny. I'd say make it a third as long, concentrate on the aspect of the woman making the guys appear foolish and you've got yourself a good, fempowering Smack The Pony - style sketch.

View original

Yeah - but you know a woman always insists it should be longer.

Thankyou guy's.
I shall trim! The sketch that is. Not my whatnot!
Any more opinions out there?
Paweeeeeeeeease!

I think I'm with Perry on this one.

For me, the premise was dubious if not downright inplausible. I'm a man of 32 years of age and I have never once sat with a group of other men and watched a porn film. It defeats the whole object.

The issue is overly simplified. Most men aren't ignorant about what porn is and what it represents but are drawn to it by urges that simply override their higher brain functions.

The way you've presented men as drooling simpletons reminds me of the current trend in TV advertising where semi-retarded men are cooed over by their spouses for having the nous to throw together a ready in the bag stir fry.

And as if that weren't bad enough, you present a woman happy to indulge in an act the finds repulsive just so she can afford a new handbag, thereby reducing her to the moral equivalent of the porn stars she's deriding and robbing the sketch of all its feminist power.

Agree with David.

And you're relying too hard on trying to shock.

David Bussell that is.

Well, I thought it was funny.

As has been said....the set up left me feeling like i had been shoehorned into the concept. Three men are watching a bad porno while the wife's home. ?????

Having had to suspend all common sense to be taken to the concept, the shock value of the dialogue was lost. Coming from a "normal" wife it would be shocking, but this slapper has her hubbie and mates mound to jack off on her sofa!

Maybe just me, I'm not a fan of crude unless its secondary to the comedy - and here i found it the driving force.

Cheers guys.
I know many men that have sat & watched porn together. I have never worked out why they would.

The wife would have come in from being out shopping. I never made that clear sorry. I wanted it to be that the woman already felt guilty for buying the bag, so had to find a way of getting around that. She used the guy's watching porn as a way of getting rid of them & to bring up the fact of her bag without to many repurcussions.
Obviously I failed to show that

I have done many husband & wives sketches where the guy always comes out on top. I fancied a role reversal. I am not particularly a fan of the way guys are portrayed today either.

Quote: M Lewis @ February 10, 2008, 1:35 PM

Having had to suspend all common sense to be taken to the concept, the shock value of the dialogue was lost. Coming from a "normal" wife it would be shocking, but this slapper has her hubbie and mates mound to jack off on her sofa!
Maybe just me, I'm not a fan of crude unless its secondary to the comedy - and here i found it the driving force.

View original

Some women have their mens friends around to shag them on the sofa.
I know many peeps do not like crude & thats cool. I do though. A normal wife should have a normal sexual appetite. Including enjoying watching porn & having no problem with her husband watching it either. Alone or with friends. Some men still see women in an old fashioned way when it comes to sex. Hate to be the one to break it to you but we are all sexy little minx's.
I may not be normal but I know plenty of women who are.

PS David.
Let me tell you, many women will do something they dont like, to get something they want.

You never really know what's normal. Normal is your life and other people may see it differently.

There's nothing really wrong with porn if you both share it maybe. It's if one needs it and the other doesn't is where there's a problem.