Pearly Gates

Radio Sketch. Be mean:

ST PAUL:Hi. Welcome to the gates of heaven.

DEAD MAN:I’m dead?

ST PAUL:Never mind. Have you been a good boy?

DEAD MAN:Erm… Yeah. Always have been. Haven’t so much as missed a credit card payment.

ST PAUL:Well, I hope that’s true, or the gates remain closed for you. Let’s have a look in the ledger… Oooh. You haven’t quite made it this time I’m afraid.

DEAD MAN:But… come on, I’m a good guy. I was a doctor. A charity worker. I must have saved so many lives.

ST PAUL:Yes, but there are a lot of sins written here that counterbalance all those virtues. In fact, if only you had committed one less sin you would have qualified for heaven. Sorry mate.

DEAD MAN:Well… Like what sins? I don’t think I stole anything or lied.

ST PAUL:Like here for instance, when you were sixteen you were at a restaurant where you had to pick up your own paper napkins… you committed a sin and took three.

DEAD MAN:Right?

ST PAUL:Bit excessive don’t you think? I mean one’s fine. Two’s venial. Three however, well that’s almost mortal.

DEAD MAN:Because I took three napkins I can’t get into heaven?

ST PAUL:No, that would have been fine on its own. But there were other times you sinned. Like once, you opened a carton of orange juice without shaking it well first. Other people had to endure overly watery or overly orangey juice because of your lack of foresight. And when you were twenty-three: You told a knock-knock joke.

DEAD MAN:How’s that a sin?

ST PAUL:You ever laughed at a knock-knock joke? No. Course not. So you’re just wasting everybody’s time.

DEAD MAN:Let’s see that. What else have I got down there?

ST PAUL:Under sins… err… Not flossing; using a magazine as a coaster; taking the last rolo.

DEAD MANo, just one of them. If I had only committed one less sin.

ST PAULure. Eternal bliss. Sorry.

DEAD MAN:But what about my virtues? I loved my family.

ST PAUL:Ah… yes, love. That’s a tricky one. Difficult to qualify. Should we give someone just as many points for loving their wife… as for, say for instance, loving a cheesecake?

DEAD MAN:Well, obviously not.

ST PAUL:Ah, you say that. But with sin it’s easy. All sin is equal according to the big guy. Using someone else’s toothbrush: one point off. Not paying a train ticket: one point off. Crashing a busload of nuns into an orphanage: one point off. But virtue, we have no idea what the point system should be with that. Oh, sure, you saved lots of lives being a doctor. But that was your job. It’s really difficult to work out how much you should get for your virtues, but we try, and this time I’m afraid you haven’t made it.
DEAD MANo what happens to me now?

ST PAUL:Well, fortunately with your score you can either have reincarnation...

DEAD MAN:Right?

ST PAULr eternal damnation.

DEAD MAN:Well, reincarnation then.

ST PAULK. Would you like to be an ear-wig or someone on the Broad of Directors at Proctor and Gamble?

DEAD MAN:Not much of a choice is it? I either have to be a disgusting despicable creature- or an earwig.

F/XSIREN.

ST PAULoh, I’m sorry. Telling that one was undoubtedly a sin. You’re disqualified from reincarnation now. It has to be damnation.

DEAD MANh right. I deserved it for that. Send me down.

F/XTRAPDOOR OPENING. FALLING.

Had subtle overtones of "driving test" to me, very nice. Cringed at this joke:
ST PAUL: OK. Would you like to be an ear-wig or someone on the Broad of Directors at Proctor and Gamble?

DEAD MAN: Not much of a choice is it? I either have to be a disgusting despicable creature- or an earwig.

But it was sort of redeemed with the "knowing" finish.

I really enjoyed this one. Thought the stupid sins were very clever.
As ever I thought it could have been trimmed slightly but I for one loved this sketch.

For a long sketch it kept my interest. I especially enjoyed your list of pithy sins. Nice work, Yacob.

it made me smile. i am happy that u did that