INT. TV SCREEN. FOOTBALL RESULTS ANNOUNCER:
Aston Villa v Chelsea late kick off
Birmingham v Sunderland later kick off
The match between Fulham and Reading is a normal kick off but it hasn’t started yet. Why, I don’t know.
The match between Liverpool and Arsenal has been delayed due to floodlight failure. Miners from a nearby working coalmine are coming to Anfield to form 4 human pyramids and hopefully bring their helmets with them.
The match between Man City and Everton is currently undergoing a waterlogged pitch inspection. If it is sufficiently waterlogged enough, subs will be used.
Middlesborough was abandoned, they were playing at Newcastle.
Portsmouth are currently goalless against Man Utd. Yep, nil nil. Nothing to do with Redknapp’s aspirations or stolen goalposts. It only kicked off five minutes ago however. Evening kickoff. Evening football results announcer (puts on strange voice).
The match between Wigan and Bolton is fairly even. They are both large towns in the North West of England, primarily mill towns specializing in textile manufacturing.
West Ham v Derby was postponed 15 minutes before kick off. The referee, and all his assistants were shitfaced. Being paid to watch Derby and stay sober, come on!
