Written just after the Gap controversy on child labour.
The Four Yorkshiremen
Scene Four Yorkshiremen discuss their work experiences at some well known companies- basically a twist on the Monty Python sketch.
[Enter 4 Yorkshiremen bemoaning the youth of today. They sit]
Dick: I tell thee what Fred, the kids today, they don’t know they’re born.
Fred: Ya right there Dick.
Bill: They’ve no idea of ’ard work for a start.
Frank: Just a bunch o’ south’n softies.
Dick: Ya know when I worked for Nike I were just seven year old. I tell thee, I’d get up at four in’t morning, walk twenty five miles for a pint of milk, hop t’ut factory on one leg, make a hundred and fifty trainers using me feet and get beaten every half hour for breathing too loud. And did it do me any harm? Did it ‘ell.
Fred: Factory ya say. Luxury. When I worked for Adidas I were five year old. My mam would wake me up two hours fore I went to bed, I’d crawl sixty miles for t’ut glass of warm water, walk barefoot on’t broken glass t’ut hole in’t ground make five hundred kit bags using me teeth and get beaten to death every five minutes for being alive. And look at me now. Pillar of tu’t community.
Bill: You were lucky. When I were six month old I worked for Puma. Paedophile next door would bugger me senseless for thirty six hours every night and I’d have to pay him for t’ut privilege, me mam would cut me arms off each morning so as I could beg in’t street for whole day and then I’d have to walk on me tongue t’ut septic tank where I’d make fifteen hundred football boots using me eyes. It made me tu’t man I am tu’t day.
Frank: Right then. I worked for Gap when I were just a foetus. Every night me mam would rip me out tu’t womb and let me dad and sixteen brothers gang rape me. Then I’d circle the Earth three times tied by me testicles to a hot air balloon collecting tu’t water from tu’t rain clouds. When I’d landed I’d walk tu’t Moon where I had to hold me breath for ninety-six hours whilst making five thousand pairs of jeans outta me lower intestine.
Dick: Aye, and if you tell that tu’t kids today.
All: They won’t believe yu.
