James Bond Scene

Potential scene from a sitcom that means I alter a charters name to make the gag work. Is it funny enough to bother?

EDIT - RE-WRITTEN FURTHER DOWN SO DONT READ THIS VERSION UNLESS YOU ARE INTERESTED IN THE BEFORE/AFTER PROCESS!

MARK LEWIS and JAMES BRADMORE are in a car, JAMES driving. Earlier scenes show JAMES is struggling for cash.

JAMES
We're going to be late (checks his watch, a cheap one with a calculator on it)

MARK
Nice, does a 12 year old from 1985 know you have his timepiece?

JAMES
Its an old one.

MARK
Where's your Bond watch.

JAMES
Omega Seamaster, 007 limited edition. Brosnan had one.

MARK
I don't want a sales pitch. Where is it.

JAMES
Ebay. I'm having a clear out.

MARK
Times are hard?

JAMES
Just a watch. (beat) This geek that bought it, I meet the bloke at junction 13. He's coming from Newbury, turns up in an old mondeo with a number plate that spells Aston after he's used felt tip on it.

MARK
Classy

JAMES
I expect he's flashing it about down the pub by now. (geek voice) License to kill, do you come here often. (beat) Saddo.

MARK
Still, nice watch.

JAMES
Whatever, Bond's old school. (beat) I'm more...

MARK
...More?

JAMES
I don't know. More modern (beat) Jack Bauer, Jason Bourne.

MARK (mock impressed)
Wow, Really?

JAMES
Check the initials.

MARK (smiling)
Ohh, James Bradmore. You're in their gang.

JAMES
We kick Bonds arse.

JAMES MAKES A GUN WITH HIS FINGERS AND BLOWS THE BARREL, HERO STYLE

MARK
Look out Brosnan.

SILENCE IN THE CAR FOR A MOMENT

MARK
Jeremy Beadle

JAMES (annoyed)
Dead, doesn't count.

Sounded funnier in my head! Not so sure on paper?

This is funny.

ok, now i'm just hoping your post isn't followed by 20 others disagreeing with you

Just kidding Glad you liked it.

I can see this as part of a sitcom. Really good and nicely understated. I especially liked the smoking gun bit.

I like it.

It's not especially funny in itself but the quality of the writing cons the audience into believing it's funnier than it really is.

"It's obviously written by a really good writer so it must be funny therefore I'll laugh" sort of thing. Nothing wrong with that. Slick is better than funny. You can learn funny. You can't learn slick.

Production-wise, it's virtually impossible to show a glimpse of a watch and have the audience realise it's a cheap one. Better to have Mark make a remark about its cheapness.

The line:

MARK
Where's your Bond watch?

needs expanding to:

MARK
Where's your James Bond watch?

as the audience (who are listening, not reading) may not catch 'Bond watch' and you'll have them wondering what Mark said while someone else is delivering another line.

The line:

MARK
Nice, does a 12 year old from 1985 know you have his timepiece?

is a classic example of style over substance.

It sounds funnier than it is.

You need to replace it with a similar but funnier line.

I like the 'number plate - felt tip' joke very much.

The line:

JAMES
Bond's old school.

had me thinking about the school at which Bond was educated until I realised what you meant. Maybe rephrase it?

The rest of it will do as it is.

Wow....thanks for the detailed response.

Two questions, a) is the re-write better and b) When a producer reads something like the above that is ok but has loads of things that need editing - for example, if you did to a full script what you just did to my 30 sec scene it would take me all day to re-write!, does a producer think "oh, this is good with a tweak" or do they think "this needs tweaking every other line - i cant work with this retard"

JAMES
We're going to be late (checks his watch, a cheap one with a calculator on it)

MARK
What's with your watch? Did you steal that from a child?

JAMES
Its my spare one.

MARK
Where's your fancy James Bond watch.

JAMES
It was an Omega Seamaster, 007 limited edition. Brosnan had one.

MARK
I don't want a sales pitch. Where is it.

JAMES
Ebay. I'm having a clear out.

MARK
Times are hard?

JAMES
It's just a watch. (beat) This geek that bought it, I meet the bloke at junction 13. He's coming from Newbury, turns up in an old mondeo with a number plate that spells Aston after he's used felt tip on it.

MARK
Classy

JAMES
I expect he's flashing it about down the pub by now. (geek voice) License to kill, do you come here often. (beat) Saddo.

MARK
Still, nice watch.

JAMES
Whatever.(beat) Anyway, I'm more...

MARK
...More?

JAMES
I don't know. More modern (beat) Jack Bauer, Jason Bourne.

MARK (mock impressed)
Wow, Really?

JAMES
Check the initials.

MARK (smiling)
Ohh, James Bradmore. You're in their gang.

JAMES
We kick Bonds arse.

JAMES MAKES A GUN WITH HIS FINGERS AND BLOWS THE BARREL, HERO STYLE

MARK
Look out Brosnan.

SILENCE IN THE CAR FOR A MOMENT

MARK
Jeremy Beadle

JAMES (annoyed)
Dead, doesn't count.

In all honesty, the rewrite isn't an improvement. It's nowhere near as nice as the original.

I can't speak for all (or indeed ANY) producers but I'm very confident that, if writing talent shines out from a script, they'll be interested no matter how many faults the script has.

My idea of a rewrite for your scene would be something like this:

JAMES
We're going to be late.

JAMES CHECKS HIS WATCH

MARK
Nice watch. Did it come with a paper hat and a riddle?

JAMES DOESN'T REPLY

SILENCE FOR A FEW SECONDS

MARK
Where's your normal watch? The James Bond one.

JAMES
Omega Seamaster? 007 Limited Edition? Pierce Brosnan's got one in real life, you know.

MARK
I know. Where is it?

JAMES
I sold it (BEAT) on Ebay. (BEAT) I'm having a clear out.

MARK
Are times that hard?

JAMES
It was just a watch. (BEAT) This geek that bought it, He comes up from Newbury and I meet him at Junction 13. Turns up in a Mondeo with a number plate that reads 'ASTON' after he's used a felt tip on it.

MARK
Classy

JAMES
He'll be flashing it down the pub even as we speak. (GEEK VOICE) Licence to kill, do you come here often? (BEAT) Saddo.

MARK
It was a nice watch.

JAMES
Whatever. Bond's old fashioned. I'm more (BEAT) modern. (BEAT) You know? (BEAT) Jack Bauer, Jason Bourne.

MARK (MOCK-IMPRESSED)
Wow, Really?

JAMES
We've got the same initials.

MARK (SMILING)
Ohh, James Bradmore. You're in their gang. The JB gang!

JAMES
Yes, but we're modern. We kick Bond's arse.

JAMES MAKES A GUN WITH HIS FINGERS AND BLOWS THE BARREL, HERO STYLE

JAMES (CONT):
Goodbye, Mr Bond.

SILENCE IN THE CAR FOR A MOMENT

MARK
Jeremy Beadle.

JAMES:
Dead. Doesn't count.

Interesting. I see what you've done.

I think the hat/riddle joke is bit...err...don't know, doesn't roll off the tongue.

MARK
Nice watch.(beat) You're not wearing the party hat that came with it though?

instead?

Same goes for "Pierce Brosnan's got one in real life, you know." but i see the need for clarity here. How about -

JAMES
Omega Seamaster? 007 Limited Edition? Pierce Brosnan wore one in Goldeneye.

We'd fight over including "the JB gang" on the end of that line. Not needed IMO In fact, how about -

MARK (SMILING)
Ohh, James Bradmore. You're in their gang. (beat) cool!

JAMES
Cool (beat) and bang up to date. We'd kick Bond's arse.

Love the "goodbye Mr Bond" line.

Here's a question though. You added something (sometimes only a single word) to nearly every one of my lines. While I'm grateful for the input I'm left wondering what my ability was in the first place. As you say, the idea in itself is not that funny so i haven't come up with a stunning plot....and the writing needed a lot of tweaking, no matter how minor - is there something underlying all that still visible as being quite good?

I suppose my point is that i could cook a cake. Gordon Ramsey could say "nice cake" and re-cook it with the slightest of tweaks and make a far better cake - does that make me a bad cook or one who is 6 months practice away from running Claridges? In other words, is the world of cooking full of people making cakes Ramsay could tweak to excellence or is that, in itself, already quite a good cake?

Not had breakfast yet = food analogies!

Writing a good script is basically about seeing interesting things happen in your mind and then using words to paint those pictures onto paper so that other people can see the images that were in your mind.

It never works perfectly but sometimes it works very well. Sometimes, it only works fairly well and sometimes it doesn't work at all.

If there's a naff joke in a script, it may be that the writer's a naff writer. On the other hand, it may be that the writer's very good and he's written the naff joke because it's exactly what the character would say under the circumstances prevailing in the scene. Maybe the character's a naff type or maybe he's very non-naff but he says the naff thing because it's appropriate.

Dialogue must sparkle. If it doesn't, your script is a dead duck.

To my mind,

MARK
Nice watch. Did it come with a paper hat and a riddle?

is a good line that DOES roll off the tongue.

Your line

MARK
Nice watch.(beat) You're not wearing the party hat that came with it though?

is a bit clumsy but it would be a GREAT line if you delete 'party'.

MARK
Nice watch.(beat) You're not wearing the hat that came with it though?

is just WONDERFUL. However, there's a very real danger that many audience members won't get the joke. Should you risk it? Maybe. Maybe not. Depends how subtle your sitcom is intended to be.

Don't misunderstand my original comments about your scene not being especially funny in itself. It IS funny. What I'm saying is that the fundamental quality of the writing LIFTED it to a point where an audience might think it was very funny.

Most wannabe-writers are crap. That's a fact.

Many are 'not bad' and some are 'quite good' albeit still a thousand miles away from being publishable or broadcastable.

A few, however, are just a tweak or two away from being pro quality.

Believe me, the difference between a script that gets rejected and one that gets considered for commission can sometimes be very small indeed. Certainly a line can make that difference and, perhaps, even a word. It's sometimes like trying to open a lock with a key. It won't budge but then you file a tiny bit off the key and . . . BINGO!

I've not read much of your work but, from what I've read, it's clear you have a fundamental talent for scriptwriting and that's something most wannabe scriptwriters do not have. I'm not saying you WILL make it as a writer but I'm certainly telling you you CAN.

The world of TV/radio production is as corrupt as any other industry and many crap scripts are commissioned for all the wrong reasons. All you can do is try to be better than most of the rest and hope your scripts fall on the right desks at the right times.

Great response, thanks.

lol - i wrote

MARK
Nice watch.(beat) You're not wearing the hat that came with it though?

but added in "party" after thinking about your coments on the Bond thing being missed by some people....i should have left it alone!

Frustrating thing now is i'm starting to think i should have started this at 20 when i wanted too and not last week (at 34!) I'd be 14 years better by now!

If it's any consolation (and I'll get some flak for this, I'm sure), very few people under 30 have ever written anything good.

thats better - only wasted 4 years now

Quote: Chimes of Freedom @ February 4, 2008, 11:42 PM

The line:

MARK
Nice, does a 12 year old from 1985 know you have his timepiece?

is a classic example of style over substance.

It sounds funnier than it is.

View original

Style over substance?

WHAT? What does that mean?

It's a nice line, a bit Chandler off of Friends.

Quote: M Lewis @ February 5, 2008, 12:56 AM

When a producer reads something like the above that is ok but has loads of things that need editing - for example, if you did to a full script what you just did to my 30 sec scene it would take me all day to re-write!, does a producer think "oh, this is good with a tweak" or do they think "this needs tweaking every other line - i cant work with this retard"

View original

Depends how much potential is shows, and if you get it to a nice open minded producer/script editor.

Could it BE any funnier?

Quote: Chimes of Freedom @ February 5, 2008, 9:34 AM

MARK
Nice watch. Did it come with a paper hat and a riddle?

View original

Essentially the same joke. Obvious.

Same with James William's fish boaty sitcom where you changed one word and suddenly proclaimed it as comedy genius.

"We'll be lucky if we come back alive!"

No, change it to "We'll be lucky if we come back at ALL!"

SEE - I'VE CAPATLAISED IT, WHERE'S MY BAFTA!!

Quote: Chimes of Freedom @ February 5, 2008, 9:34 AM

I can't speak for all (or indeed ANY) producers but I'm very confident that, if writing talent shines out from a script, they'll be interested no matter how many faults the script has.

View original

If you can show that you can write funny, you've already got their attention.

Finding someone who will give you a bit more than attention is not easy though.

Quote: M Lewis @ February 5, 2008, 10:09 AM

Interesting. I see what you've done.

I think the hat/riddle joke is bit...err...don't know, doesn't roll off the tongue.

--------------------Yeah, because it's rubbish. The original is funnier. They're both obvious, but yours is funnier.

Here's a question though. You added something (sometimes only a single word) to nearly every one of my lines. While I'm grateful for the input I'm left wondering what my ability was in the first place. As you say, the idea in itself is not that funny so i haven't come up with a stunning plot....and the writing needed a lot of tweaking, no matter how minor - is there something underlying all that still visible as being quite good?

I suppose my point is that i could cook a cake. Gordon Ramsey could say "nice cake" and re-cook it with the slightest of tweaks and make a far better cake - does that make me a bad cook or one who is 6 months practice away from running Claridges? In other words, is the world of cooking full of people making cakes Ramsay could tweak to excellence or is that, in itself, already quite a good cake?

View original

He's adding words and it's not really making a difference.

I don't know how many drafts that had gone through M Lewis but I find that I need to go through a script 4 or 5 times in detail to get the wording EXACTLY right.

It's easy to do, just put the script away and come back to it. Sit back, relax and say the lines out loud. say them in different ways, with a few different words or pauses - get it so it feels natural.

Then you'll script will become smooth and more professional.

Don't worry about old Chimy Chimerson over there, he appears to be completely clueless. And don't get bullied and belittled into thinking that you just don't have what it takes to make a good script.

It had a nice writing style and was readable, it just needs YOU to put it away, come back to it, and smooth it out a little.

Quote: M Lewis @ February 5, 2008, 12:55 PM

Could it BE any funnier?

View original

Yes.

But not if Chimes of Freedom gets his grubby paws on it.

Quote: Chimes of Freedom @ February 5, 2008, 11:44 AM

If it's any consolation (and I'll get some flak for this, I'm sure), very few people under 30 have ever written anything good.

View original

So wrong it hurts like nuclear piles.

I got an invite to the BBC at 20.

Look at Linehan and Mathews's work, and how old they were.

The best thing to come out of this thread is that I know to ignore you.