Settle down, Basra

SETTLE DOWN BASRA

BRITISH ARMY OFFICER

Right is every one here? Settle down, settle down or you'll be staying late, I

don't mind I've got all day. Ok that's better, now Prime Minister Gordon Brown

has decided that Iraq has been sufficiently pacified for the British army to

pull out. And turn day to day security to you. The religious leaders, government, chief police officers, and who are you lot at the back. Oh

sorry and independent, psychopathic murderers. Right Mustafa put that machete

down, no one cares how many people you beheaded, Iqbal has chopped twice as many as

you and he's sitting nicely. Thank you. You at the back yes you. Stand up boy,

and pull up your shirt. A suicide vest? You know they're not allowed. Kindly give

it to the soldier. You can have it back when we're finished martyr yourself in your

own time, you're 72 virgins aren't going anywhere. So where was I Abdul the

murderer what is it? You should have gone to the toilet before we began. you held 20 UN

negotiators hostage for a month, I think you can hold your bladder for another

half an hour. Right the British army will be withdrawing in the next two

months. You at the back no ethnic cleansing whilst I'm speaking. You can either

all learn to play nicely, or I'll hand the whole ruddy country over to the

Iranians. Mr Almajilabad is a lot stricter than me. That shut you up, didn't it? Abdul

the murderer you can clean that up afterwards. I was going to make you minister

for justice, but it looks like your going to be minister for irrigation. Sigh

I'll miss these quiet times. when I'm back teaching at Hackney Academy Inner City.

Updated for current events

I know format's been mentioned before...but

Taking my time to read this, revealed a bloody good sketch imo!

In case anyone thinks I only like posting 'nice' comments..I didn't like the auntie beeb sketch at all!

Shucks well it ran for 6 weeks in News Revue, so to quote Manotvani I cried all the way to the bank (or at least as far as £30 got me), it's a skit that worked because it had an excellent Joyce Grenfell type reading from one of the actors.

I liked this too, especially the lines "Iqbal chopped too and he's sitting nicely" and "your 72 virgins aren't going anywhere". As an ex-teacher of brief duration, I identified with the air of desperation.

Was it also on at Treason Show? If not, I'm sure I saw something similar there a couple of shows ago.

My well have been, you may even seen me do it on standup, going down like a 5 bob whore on the Titanic

Updated for current events