My big sitcom, Starpigs

Hope this is more readable, if not will once more attack with microsoft word and a chainsaw.

Otherwise here are two scenes from my troubled work of possible genius, Star Pigs

n.b. the characters here are all starring in or reminiscing about a scifi show from the 1980s.

Scene 23

INTERIOR INTERVIEW ROOM
KEVIN
Yeh she didn't like the hair, but well stuff her, that hair turned out to be the pension I could never afford.
INTERVIEWER
These would be the specialist videos, you made for the fetish audience.
KEVIN
Yes, those freaks really helped me out, you're not going to show a clip, oh God don't.
INTERIOR BATHROOM
Kevin is in a plush avocado bath room, he is wearing a purple silk robe. He stands in front of a mirror, Elvis Pressley's I'll be your teddy bear is playing in the background. He drops the robe.
He is wearing purple silk yfronts, the camera pans down to reveal a collection of thick hair brushes. He begins to comb his chest hair. Then he picks up a long handled brush and combs his back hair. Then turns to the camera.
KEVIN
I'm a hairy teddy bear, but the honey I've been eating has matted my hair all over, and I mean all over.
He picks up a very small brush.
Focus on his y-fronts hitting the carpet.
INTERIOR INTERVIEW ROOM
Kate is being sick in a bucket.

Scene 30

KEVIN
So we found the chickens fatal weakness,
KAREN
Paxo, who'd have thought something so delicious could save humanity, and it's healthy too, so kids at home you know what to do.
KEVIN
Tell mum not to forgot Paxo, or it'll be your fault if you're families massacred by space chickens.
KAREN
She'll buy it if she loves you, don't you think Jimmy.
LUCAS
That big bleep kicked me right in the bleep, I'll bloody sue.
KEVIN
Lucas keep in character damn it.
LUCAS
Keep in character, keep in character that vicious sod kicked me right in both my bleep, and my bleep, I'm supposed to be starring in Admissions of a Taxidermist tomorrow, how am I going to be able to stuff anything if my Bleep is Bleeped.
KATE
Lucas be professional, it's nothing anyway, to the pain of child birth women around the world go through every day.
LUCAS
That mad git Greed hired a bunch of head cases to beat us up, and my bleep is pointing upwards, how am I supposed to bleeping satisfy any….
RODERICK
Stand on your head dear boy, that's what I do, I was on Dr Who playing a Gargantuan bog fart slug, and this rather cheeky looking assistant gave me a wink……I'm sober, oh bugger.
LUCAS
You are mate keep going.
RODERICK
Well put it this way that, the big shiny column in the centre of the Tardis wasn't the only thing going up and down, making a wheezing sound.
Lucas and Roderick laughed unpleasantly
KATE
Will you two bloody shut up, this is disgusting, you pigs.
Kevin is snivelling
KEVIN
Yeh shut up, just bloody shut up, I'm the captain, this is supposed to be my big speech, and you're just ruining it, you horrible, nasty, cruel bleeps, it's just like when I was on play school.
LUCAS
Playschool I knew I Knew you from some where, you were Jolly Jeff, you always wore Pink dungarees, and sung the happy potty song
Stock photo of Jolly Jeff with a pink potty
RODERICK
Sorry this is a bit embarrassing, but what show am I actually on?
LUCAS
Star Pigs
RODERICK
Bloody hell I was drunk when I agreed to do that role, wasn't I, I thought it'd at least be on, Blake 7, I'm off to the pub, oh who am I kidding I saw some brasso in the cleaner's cupboard.
Roderick staggers off.

Before the real crit kicks in I'll start the bidding by saying I found it difficult to read - oddly formatted and riddled with grammatical errors (particularly "its/it's" confusion). Seemed a bit of a jumble to me and not terribly funny - I could see a few gags but they weren't to my taste and often screamingly derivative. I can't really offer detailed crit. because I'm afraid for me it failed pretty much on every level. Maybe it picked up toward the end; if others think so I'll give it another go. I'm sure others will be kinder.

Feel free to ignore me as I am the forum pariah at present!

Quote: James Williams @ February 3, 2008, 10:05 PM

Before the real crit kicks in I'll start the bidding by saying I found it difficult to read - oddly formatted and riddled with grammatical errors (particularly "its/it's" confusion). Seemed a bit of a jumble to me and not terribly funny - I could see a few gags but they weren't to my taste and often screamingly derivative. I can't really offer detailed crit. because I'm afraid for me it failed pretty much on every level. Maybe it picked up toward the end; if others think so I'll give it another go. I'm sure others will be kinder.

Feel free to ignore me as I am the forum pariah at present!

View original

Not a big fan then?

Quote: jacparov @ February 3, 2008, 10:16 PM

Not a big fan then?

View original

I really don't want to sound too harsh and I'm hoping people will point out merits that I've missed.

Especially as Sooty's was one of the kinder crits of my script!

I refer people to my (tongue-in-cheek) writers' meeting sketch for a positive look on critting.

This needs formatted better to actually read it Im afraid, the character names need to be seperated from the diologue. e.g:

COLIN: Is this easier to read?

Something like that, otherwise its a bit tricky to read.

Thanks for some reason every time I cut and paste it screws up my page setting, badly, this is actually very much the beta version (well it's pre beta does that make it a sigma version?)

The more final version won't cut and paste at all!

Hope it's now slightly more readable.

As for punctuation errors being dyslexic I usually get stuff fairly right and then do a final very painful edit before full presentation.

To be honest this is a bit of an experiment with me I'm trying an aeroplane style machine gun approach with a ratio of 1 joke to every 10 seconds. It's not a sitcom more a dramedy.

James-why dont you want to be 'harsh'? If people are just looking to be told their work is great they can ask family and friends to critique it.

sootyj...I managed to stay with this until scene 6,and that was being generous.A professional reader wouldnt even bother to read the requisite 10 pages. The beginning isnt funny,it doesnt make sense and although you're going for a 'quirky' idea it just doesn't work. The dates for example have no obvious point to them and are jarring because the reader will be lookin for the relevance that isnt there.

If this is 'harsh' then I'm sorry,but it'd be doing you a disservice to say otherwise. Even if it gets better further on nobodys going to bother getting that far. Beginnings are really important-thats when you sell your idea to someone who knows nothing about you besides what's there on the page. Formatting and punctuation can always be cleaned up but they dont make a poor beginning better. Sitcom or dramedy,the basic rules are the same. Work on the beginning-or on a couple of your favourite scenes-to try your ratio approach,post them up and you'll get a better idea if the whole thing is worth continuing with.

Quote: niteowl @ February 3, 2008, 11:33 PM

James-why dont you want to be 'harsh'?

View original

I suppose I just want to like scripts, and not dismiss them out of turn. I agree with your comments.

Sooty

"proper" script formatting doesn't really matter. Accepted wisdom tells us that all scripts submitted to producers / readers / BBC etc should be neatly typed down the right hand side of the page with a large left margin, with all dialogue and direction double - spaced with each character name in in bold yadda yadda yadda....don't believe all that bullshit. That's a shooting script and there's really no need to concern yourself with all that crap. Your script would be professionally re-typed anyway should it ever come to filming. As long as your script is legible and funny, the format doesn't really matter.

The problem here though is that the script is largely unreadable. It might be stacked full of the funniest jokes and most sublime characterisation ever written, but nobody's going to read more than a few pages in its current incarnation without losing interest. Obviously your dyslexia is a problem, but it's not insurmountable. You simply need somebody else to type your finished stuff for you into a legible format, that's all.

Lionel Bart couldn't read music yet he created some of the world's best musicals. He just got some other chump to notate it for him. No reason why a dyslexic can't come up with good comedy and get a lackey to write it for him.

From now on, if you just follow one simple rule, your stuff will be far more readable. Here's the rule:

Type your character names in CAPITALS, your dialogue in lower case, and put each character's dialogue on the line beneath the character name.

eg:

SOOTY:
What, like this?

ME:
Yeah.

SOOTY:
Groovy. Would you like a blow job?

ME:
Don't mind if I do.

etc.

Sootyj-if you really want feedback on this try putting up a few scenes at a time-people get put off by really long posts and I'm not sure the responses on this thread are going to encourage people to ask for the whole thing to be emailed to them for critique,unless they already know you.
I stand by my original critique BUT that doesnt mean your whole sitcom is shit or doesnt have merit so please dont be put off-post up some more of it,in short bursts-maybe scenes you think are typical of the whole or that you really like and see what the feedbacks like on them

Hope this doesn't count as a bump, but have just changed my script to, 2 heavily edited scenes.

This is my first critique of any person's script. Also I have never posted my own so I hope I'm not stepping over any boundaries.

Negatives:
- I thought the script lacked a vision for the reader. I had my own image in my head of what was happening but had an itching feeling that I was probably wrong. I suggest a brief visual explanation of the room. I also felt the same way about how the actors would be performing this piece. For example the scene with the video footage of Kevin's embarrassing sexual experience: just a quick explanation of how Kevin is reacting to the "grooming" would really help. Is he actually enjoying it? Is he looking bored while saying his line.
- the bleeps thing. I don't get it.
Positives:
I thought the "I'm a hairy teddy bear, but the honey I've been eating has matted my hair all over, and I mean all over.
He picks up a very small brush" line was hilarious especially picturing the man looking bored and annoyed while saying it. I thought it would make a great opening scene to the show. Shocking and funny.
- The banter was also funny, but I think it could be tightened a bit.

I understand the probs with cut and paste, I experience that but you just have to edit it once on here so it is easier to read. having said all that, i didn't get this one at all

Thanks Curt, good to know all those things the US have said about you aren't true!

Fair comment, I got told off once for describing what actors should do in the script, but in this case you may be right.

What's not to get, a woman doesn't like hairy men, and then watches a film that implies a very hairy man combing his pubes, which makes her vomit.

Shakespeare is rolling in his grave in envy at that master stroke.