British Comedy Guide

Game of life.(For us all to play with)

For anyone who wants to add bits to this)

INT
V/O
3 ordinary people. 3 extra ordinary tasks.
Marlene a housewife, from Stoke, aged 36

CUT TO
Marlene sitting on a chair at her dining table. Grinning uncomfortable into the camera.

V/O
Marlene’s task is to buy an illegal firearm.

(Marlene can be seen frowning & forcing a smile)

V/O
27 year old Justin. A Precision engineer from St Albans.

CUT TO
Justin is standing at the bar in his local pub. Lots of bleeps can be heard.

V/O
Justins’s task is to join a hoodie gang & commit atleast 6 serious crimes in 2 weeks.

(Justin is hiccupping & glaring at the camera. He pulls an imaginary hood up over his head & glares a pathetic attempt at menace)

V/O
Lastly we have Mia who is 94 from Bath.

CUT TO
Mia in a wheelchair, barely alive. Looking sullenly at the camera.

V/O
Mia’s task is to score some crack cocaine.

(No response from Mia at all)

V/O
3 ordinary people. 3 extra ordinary tasks
Should they complete their tasks they will receive £3000.
Should they fail, they owe us their houses, cars & savings & all the evidence of their crimes will be passed over to Scotland Yard.
Contracts have been drawn up & signed

CUT TO
A monster looking bouncer shaking Marlene until she signs.

CUT TO
A monster looking Bouncer beating up Justin, until he signs.

CUT TO
A Monster looking bouncer forcing the shaking hand of Mia to sign.

V/O
They have 2 weeks to complete their tasks with absolutely no help whatsoever.
Their time starts. (Hollers) NOW!!!!!!!!

Over too whoever wants to play)

MARLENE
Now then - where's the yellow pages?

HEAVY 1
What do you want that for?

MARLENE
To buy a firearm.

HEAVY 1
Illegal being the opperative word.

MARLENE
So where am I supposed to get one?

HEAVY 1
Funny you should say that. It just so happens.....

FADE

FADES BACK

MARLENE
HOW MUCH?

HEAVY 1
Well it's not your ordinary everyday day semi-automatic machine pistol.

MARLENE
Do you take credit cards?

HEAVY 1
Certainly madam. Thank you very much. Now what's your PIN?

MARLENE
I've been told not to reveal it to anyone.

HEAVY 1
Oh come now. You can trust me. Now what exactly is your credit limit on this card?

MARLENE
I don't see how that is any of your business.

HEAVY 1
Look - do you want to win this or not?

MARLENE
Well - yes

HEAVY 1
So?

MARLENE
Fifteen thousand.

HEAVY 1
Splendid - you know it makes sense.

Ok I will do a bit.

INT
Mia is wheeled into a public house by her carer.
Mia points to a black man & her carer wheels her over.

Mia
(Shaky voice)
Excuse me young man.
(The young man bends down to hear her)
Can i please have a bag of crack cocoa aine.

The Man
What?

Mia
Cocoa Aine.

The Man
(Exasperated)What you think just because I am black I am a drug dealer?

Mia
Ohhh yes!

The Man
Madam I am a lawyer.

Mia
That's nice Dear. Can I have some though.

The Man
(Angry)I dont have any! I am not a drug dealer.

Mia
(Scared)Please dont Mug me. Here just take it. (Hands her bag over to the man)

The Man
(Mad) I beg your pardon. (Hands the bag back)

Mia
(Relieved) Thats okay Dear. No need to beg. I just need some cocoa aine.

The man shakes his head & walks off. Mia has her carer wheel her as she follows the man.

The man
Why are you following me?

Mia
Well we are going to get some cocoa aine arent we?

The man
Look lady. You are a bigot. I dont have any cocaine, I am not a drug dealer or a mugger. I am a lawyer.

Mia
Well thats the same thing.

V/O
So Justin - you're first task - should you choose to accept it - is to rob your local post office.

JUSTIN
I've got a choice?

V/O
No - not really. I've just always wanted to say that.

JUSTIN
Fair enough

V/O
There's just one small thing I forgot to mention.

JUSTIN
Oh?

V/O
You have to do it in very bad drag - like Judy Garland in the Wizard of Oz - and overdone make-up. And roller skates

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