Punny?
INT. PRESIDENT GEORGE BUSH'S OFFICE/ PRESIDENT MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD (PMA)'S OFFICE. DAY
STAGE RIGHT - PRESIDENT BUSH SITS AT HIS DESK, EQUIPPED WITH TELEPHONE AND FAX. BUSH'S ADVISOR, DICK, HOVERS IN THE BACKGROUND. AN AMERICAN FLAG ADORNS THE WALL BEHIND
STAGE LEFT - PMA SITS AT HIS DESK, EQUIPPED WITH TELEPHONE AND FAX. PMA'S ADVISOR, AMID, AND A GLAMOROUS LOOKING LADY, JEAN, HOVER IN THE BACKGROUND. AN IRANIAN FLAG ADORNS THE WALL BEHIND
DICK PICKS UP A FAX
DICK
We've got a response sir. It says the installation is (READING FROM FAX) a fruit processing plant.
GEORGE BUSH
Why would they want to eat nuclear fruit?
DICK
No sir, I think they're, lying. But (READING FAX) if you have any questions, please don't hesitate to call me. There's a telephone number. (PASSES THE FAX TO GEORGE BUSH)
GEORGE BUSH
He's got your telephone number?
DICK
Er, no sir, it's President Ahmadinejad's number.
GEORGE BUSH
Give me that here. Try to make a fool out of me! I'll show them. (RINGS NUMBER)
PMA'S TELEPHONE RINGS
AMID
It's him! It's him! President Ahmadinejad you require 22!
PMA
(PICKS UP PHONE) Tehran 6 2 3 4 5 6. (WINKS AT AMID)
GEORGE BUSH
President Mahmoud (STRUGGLES) Arm-mad-dine-e-jihad. It's George Bush.
PMA
Please call me Ma.
GEORGE BUSH
OK Ma. I got your fax and I have to say I'm very disappointed. Now I have a theory I'd like to share with you. I believe it's not a fruit processing plant.
PMA
Mr Bush, Mr Bush, fruit is the coal of the 21st century. We're living in a green g age. You have nuclear power, we have fruit power. There's no need for sour grapes. You Americans need to learn to live and let O live.
EACH TIME PMA MENTIONS A FRUIT, JEAN PLACES A PICTURE OF THAT FRUIT ONTO A 'BINGO CHART' HANGING ON THE WALL
GEORGE BUSH
President, Ma, we have photographic evidence of your nuclear scientists entering the facility.
PMA
Mango here, man go there! So what? If you want confirmation that this is indeed a fruit processing plant, let us orange an inspection!
GEORGE BUSH
And what type of fruit would we find there Ma? You really expect me to believe you've gone all green?
PMA
I have green fingers, I have a green heart. I am green from my head to-ma-toes.
GEORGE BUSH
Tomatoes? (PRONOUNCES IT TO-MATE-OES) Did you say you were processing tomatoes?
PMA:
To-ma-toes
GEORGE BUSH
Tomatoes?
PMA
To-ma-toes.
GEORGE BUSH
(ANGRY) Are you trying to make a fool out of me! I don't need you to do that, you hear me Ma?
PMA
Do you think I'm completely bananas Mr Bush!? Old Chinese proverb say (IN CHINESE) man with no bomb not make rhubarb fool out of man with bomb.
BEAT
You do not speak Mandarin? It means man with no bomb, that's me, not make rhubarb fool out of man with bomb, that's you.
GEORGE BUSH
Heh heh, I like that. Barbara makes a lovely rhubarb fool you know. (WISTFUL) Well she used to anyway, back when...
PMA
When the passion fruit (SAYS 'FRUIT' AWAY FROM THE PHONE) was still hot?
GEORGE BUSH
Well I don't know about that Ma...
PMA
It is difficult for the juices in a man's plums to flow when the lady's melons start to head south, and begin to resemble old cranberries. It happened to my ex wife - Jean.
GEORGE BUSH
Jean?
PMA
Yes, but I am Aubergine now.
AFTER A COUPLE OF FIERCE NODS FROM PMA JEAN RELUCTANTLY HANGS A PICTURE OF AN AUBERGINE ON THE BINGO CHART
GEORGE BUSH
I'm glad to hear that Ma. OK, now listen...
PMA
Speak to me, mon Cherry. Speak to me.
AMID
President Ahmadinejad you now require 7!
GEORGE BUSH
Hello? Ma?
PMA
I'm sorry Mr Bush, we appear to have a bit of a cross lime. It's OK now.
GEORGE BUSH
Well I think it would be advantageous to meet with our friends in the UK, with Prime Minister Brown, sit down at a table and thrash this issue out.
PMA
Not lychee! You think I'm going to kum quat-ly over there and play gooseberry, to a pear like you and Brown. I'd guava stay at home thank you!
PMA SIGNALS 5 TO AMID WHO NODS IN SUBSERVIENT APPRECIATION. ONE BINGO SQUARE REMAINS UNFRUITED
GEORGE BUSH
Now listen here, the people of the United States of America will...
PMA MAKES A LOUD FART NOISE
GEORGE BUSH
Excuse me?
PMA
Was that you Mr Bush?
GEORGE BUSH
Was what me?
PMA
That enormous raspberry!?
JEAN COMPLETES THE FRUIT BINGO CHART WITH A RASPBERRY PICTURE
PMA (CONT)
Fruit Bingo! Fruit Bingo! (SLAMS DOWN THE PHONE AND CELEBRATES WITH AMID. PMA, AMID AND JEAN EXIT)
GEORGE BUSH
Hello? Hello? Hang on, (TO DICK) If he's processing tomatoes, that'd make it, (EUREKA MOMENT) a nuclear vegetable processing plant, not a nuclear fruit processing plant. Right? I knew it! I knew he was lying to me! (ALL PLEASED WITH HIMSELF)
DICK
Er, sir technically, due to its ovary make up, a tomato is widely considered a, (GEORGE BUSH STARES IN DISBELIEF) a, a lady vegetable. I'll prepare the air strike sir.
END OF SKETCH