Short scene from a sitcom Page 2

Quote: Perry Nium @ February 2, 2008, 2:04 PM

Hi Fran

I thought the dialogue was nice, although perhaps a little meandering. With every scene you write you need to know where it's going. This feels like you're just writing the first thing that pops into your head without any direction, which is actually a great exercise to do if you're developing character, but not so good in the actual script. You do have a natural flair for interesting dialogue though which is rare in itself. Well done!

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Thanks Perry...well, coming from such as yourself, that's made my day!

Quote: Fran @ February 2, 2008, 2:15 PM

Thanks Perry...well, coming from such as yourself, that's made my day!

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See.

The dialogue wasn't interesting enough for me.

It was too derivative of someone like Victoria Wood, and would put producers off.

Quote: Seefacts @ February 2, 2008, 2:13 PM

Right.

I see how we're operating.

Say it's good get a load of , but say it's not and get 'Well, I do, so there. NEXT!'

It's a shame people struggle with negative critique. And I think some people are too quick to back slap in this forum.

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Oh please!! I believe I did thank you for your input, and remark and how important neg opinions are..but if it makes you feel better <3 <3

Quote: Fran @ February 2, 2008, 2:05 PM

The very basic gist of this is that while George, the undertaker is happy go lucky little soul, Sue, who works in a greetings card shop is a miserable wretch. The story is about their relationship...Goerge's well intentioned, but often cack-handed attempts to bring her out of her depression, which she is in denial of. Sounds hilarious, so far eh?

The basic storyline of this scene is George trying to palm her off with a dog he's beeen landed with...on account of it's just what she needs...embalming action? I'll give it some thought

Thanks loads, for reading and giving your thoughts on this Frankie.

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With this explanation it all slots into place. The slapstick embalming action isn't needed in fact as it's an out of the workplace relationship (they both work in different places) it may be better if we never see either of them at work, only socialising. It just goes to show that it's hard to tell about a sitcom from just a small section of dialogue.

I wonder where undertakers meet their girlfriends in the first place? Good luck with it mate!

Quote: Fran @ February 2, 2008, 2:19 PM

Oh please!! I believe I did thank you for your input, and remark and how important neg opinions are..but if it makes you feel better <3 <3

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Well I do so there?

You asked me did I think it was three jokes a page - my reply wasn't 'I do so there'...It was 'I do... but I want to know your views'

love and kisses

And now I've quoted myself...just full of my own importance now

Quote: Seefacts @ February 2, 2008, 2:13 PM

It's a shame people struggle with negative critique. And I think some people are too quick to back slap in this forum.

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I guess we all want our stuff to be good and it can sting a bit when someone critiques it in a heavy handed way. Mostly the people who back-slap quickly on here are from the clique that frequent the site daily - and they are usually slapping each others backs!!! Good luck to 'em! I do think a lot of the positive crit outside that clique is genuinely meant.

Quote: Seefacts @ February 2, 2008, 2:19 PM

See.

The dialogue wasn't interesting enough for me.

It was too derivative of someone like Victoria Wood, and would put producers off.

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Well thank you again for your thoughts. <3

Quote: Seefacts @ February 2, 2008, 2:19 PM

See.

The dialogue wasn't interesting enough for me.

It was too derivative of someone like Victoria Wood, and would put producers off.

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It is old-school and gentle but I don't think that's a bad thing. You'd never sell it to BBC3 for instance. It's not my type of stuff but there's still a huge pre-watershed mainstream market for this type of thing - look at Fred Barron. Fran's dialogue is easy to read and engaging, but what it needs is clear direction.

Fran, a good rule to always remember is that every line of dialogue you write must drive the story forward. It's easy to meander off-course but don't. And if you do, make sure you meander back VERY quickly or the reader will get bored.