Death Row Sketch

Just another quick sketch.

MURDERER IS ON DEATH ROW. HE IS ABOUT TO FIND OUT THE RESULT OF HIS APPEAL. IT IS SET IN AMERICA.

Murderer
Please don't do this to me, PLEASE!!

Red Neck Warden
Earlier in the year you where sentenced to Death, for the murder of 12 innocent people. I don't know how but the jury have quashed the allegations against you and taken you off death row.

Murderer
What's my new sentence?

Red Neck Warden
You must watch a TV series.

Murderer
TV series? (SMILES) I wasn't expecting that. Bloody Hell! (LAUGHS)

Red Neck Warden
And I emphasize the fact that you have to watch every episode.

Murderer
Will do.(SMILES AGAIN) what TV series is it?

Red Neck Warden
Jam and Jerusalem!

(A SOUND OF SHOCK ECHOES AROUND THE ROOM)

Murderer
PLEASE, GOD NO, KILL ME! (SCREAMS IN PAIN)

(CAMERA CUTS TO VICTIMS FAMILIES WHO ARE ALL SMILING TO EACH OTHER)

I like J & J. I think the central mother and daughter relationship is beautifully observed.

This is basically funny, particularly because Jam and Jerusalem is the biggest pile of poo I've seen since the the UK's sewage treatments plants asked me to judge their 'Who can build the biggest pile of poo?' competition.

I have to say that, in real life, judges don't attend Death Row to deliver appeal verdicts. Perhaps the verdict could be read by a redneck warden?

Also, relatives of murder victims don't attend Death Row to hear judges deliver appeal verdicts.

But I'm being too picky. You think J & J is agonizingly painful to watch and you're making your point in a humorous way by writing a little sketch about it.

It's a funny sketch!

Just a small point, because it's an amusing idea, but presumably you would have someone with an AMerican accent playing the person on death row - and an American court setting. But - and i reckon you can see where this is going - American prisoners would never have heard of J&J, the lucky bastards.

If it's set in the UK then it's perhaps 50 years too late.

Just a small tweak needed, though.

Thanks Chimes, I'll make them changes. I do have to agree with you that Jam and Jerusalem is awful.

Yes Barbs, I can see what you are saying about Americans not seeing Jam and Jerusalem. But for this sketch, I'll just pretend that it is so bad that it has crossed the Atlantic and they also realise how bad it is.

Thanks for the advice Griff, I'll try and make the changes. Also would you be able to check out my Scottish Kidnap Sketch and let me know what you think. Its on the critique.

You need a punishment that everyone would agree is unbearable.
Perhaps he could be forced to listen to Sting playing the lute.

It's a rather dated idea. this was in part of a script of mine I wrote in '98 and is on here too under 'Pantomuse'

............................

JUDGE
I’ve decided to set you free.

DEIRDRE
Oh, thank you, thank you, and thank you.

JUDGE
Only kidding!...April fool!

DEIRDRE
(OTT crying as in Lucille Ball)
Ah ah ahhh ha ha aaaaaaaaaagggghhh

JUDGE
But-

DEIRDRE
Yes, yes..

JUDGE
I will allow you a choice of sentence. I can either commit you to watching two weeks of Celebrity Big Brother or you can be taken this day from the court and hanged by the neck until you are stone cold, absolutely without a shadow of a doubt, I swear on my mother’s death bed, dead. What say you?

DEIRDRE
Oh, hanged by the neck mi’lud. I can’t stand Big Brother.

JUDGE
Yes, I think you speak for us all. Take her away…..Have a nice funeral.

Thanks Guys I can see what everyone is saying. This sketch was just a bit of fun, emphasizing my utter disbelief that this rubbish "sitcom" is on TV. Once again thanks and ill be adding more sketches later.

That's a very prescient sketch, bushbaby - you managed to write about Celebrity Big Brother a whole three years before it hit TV!

Quote: Barbs @ February 1, 2008, 3:08 PM

That's a very prescient sketch, bushbaby - you managed to write about Celebrity Big Brother a whole three years before it hit TV!

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Don't be silly, I updated the script to fit today's progs, I had her watching Neighbours before

Quote: JohnnyD @ February 1, 2008, 1:05 PM

I like J & J. I think the central mother and daughter relationship is beautifully observed.

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Sketch was ok, not a belly laugh, could work with a lot of other things

Reminds me of the death by Jub Jub joke

Quote: JohnnyD @ February 1, 2008, 1:05 PM

I like J & J. I think the central mother and daughter relationship is beautifully observed.

View original