Beckham meets the Queen

BUCKINGHAM PALACE. THE QUEEN IS SAT AT A DESK. THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR AND DAVID BECKHAM ENTERS.

QUEEN:
Ah, Mr Beckham so glad you could come. Do sit down. Would you like some tea?

DAVID:
Yeah, thanks mum...I mean ma'am.

THE QUEEN GOES TO A TABLE AND STARTS POURING TEA

QUEEN:
You're an association football player I believe.

DAVID:
Yes ma'am.

QUEEN:
Aren't you in Spain? I heard you were playing for Really Madrid

DAVID:
No, ma'am. I left there - I went to America to play for £25 million.

QUEEN:
Oh, you poor soul. Nevermind - I'm sure things will pick up. Where are you living now?

DAVID:
La...

THERE'S A PUZZLED PAUSE

QUEEN:
La? (BEAT) Oh, L.A. Well, I'm sure Los Angeles is better than La-La land where Philip spends most of his time.

THERE'S A PAUSE.

QUEEN:
What about the Villa?

DAVID:
We sold it.

QUEEN:
No, I mean Birmingham Villa. William is always talking about them. He's a big fanatic you know.

DAVID:
They're playing at Newcastle this week I fink.

QUEEN:
Yes. Still, it'll be a nice trip out for him. After what he drinks he needs something to sober him up.

THERE'S A BRIEF PAUSE. THE QUEEN LOOKS LOVINGLY AT DAVID WHO RESPONDS NERVOUSLY BY PLAYING WITH HIS COLLAR.

QUEEN:
I must say you are looking really well. Age has been very kind to you.

DAVID LOOKS PUZZLED.

QUEEN:
Why, fank you, ma'am.

THE QUEEN LOOKS AROUND FURTIVELY.

QUEEN:
I just want you to know that I have it waiting for you.

THE QUEEN STANDS AND TURNS HER REAR TOWARDS DAVID AND TAPS HER BUM.

DAVID:
Ma'am! I'm a married man!

QUEEN:
No, I mean I have your telegram for making it to 100.

THE QUEEN PULLS OUT THE TELEGRAM FROM HER BACK POCKET

QUEEN:
The Queen - that's me - wishes to congratulate you for reaching 100.

DAVID:
I'm 32 ma'am.

QUEEN:
Are you? They told me you were 99.

DAVID IS A LITTLE ANGRY

DAVID:
That's caps ma'am. I've played for England 99 times. I thought the new manager was going let me play against Switzerland but he didn't (STARTS CRYING) It aint fair!

QUEEN:
New manager? Is it not Alf Ramsey anymore?

DAVID:
Fabio Capello.

QUEEN:
A WOP??? Don't worry - I'll invite him up to Balmoral and get Philip to shoot him.

END

Doesn't quite work for me, I'm afraid.

Beckham sketches were all the rage a few years back - so the subject natter seems a bit dated. Also, there isn't really much humour until the punchline. And the punchline itself is perhaps borderline racist, but, equally importantly, comes from the wrong person. Phillip would say 'A bloody Wop' - I don't think the Queen would.

Also, why does she turn and tap her bum? That seems wholly contrived just to try to gt an anal sex gag in.

Sorry - I've liked the other sketches you've posted.

Yeah, Beckham jokes? It's not 2001 anymore.

I didn't like the build up that much, but I thought the racism at the end was just super!

hmm not bad but's its 2 minutes of banter, without a strong concluding punchline, also the queen and beckham are kinda done to death, and need a more radical twist

It is topical - Beckham is just short of 100 caps.

Oh well...

Time to crack open the beers...