Old Friends Sketch

Just another sketch, not quite sure if this is actually any good but any advice will be gratefully appreciated!

BARBARA AND JOHN ARE AN ELDERLY COUPLE WHO HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 50 YEARS, THEY ARE BOTH AT HOME SITTING IN THEIR CHAIRS TALKING TO EACH OTHER. BOTH ARE FROM LIVERPOOL BUT BARABARA TRIES TO ACT POSHER THAN SHE ACTUALLY IS.

Barbara
Oh, do you know Moira Kelly?

John
Moira Kelly?
(TAKES HEAD OUT OF NEWSPAPER)

Barbara
Yes, Moira, Moira

John
No, don’t know who your talking about dear.

Barbara
The one who lives down on Dock road.

John
No, still don’t know who your talking about love.

Barbara
She came to our wedding.

John
That was 50 years ago love and anyway their were loads of people at our wedding.

Barbara
Yes, but she was the one who started all that blooming trouble at the party afterwards, had one too many if you ask me.
(LAUGHS IN HIGH PITCH)

John
Oh, that Moira (LAUGHS OUT LOUD), Moira bleeding Kelly, the local bike, had one too many blokes if you ask me. (SMILES)

Barbara
Oh I do wish you wouldn’t speak like that.

John
Moira Kelly was the woman I, well you know what, a couple of bob and a go of my bike and I got a go of her. (LAUGHS) Quite the one in her prime, quite the one. Anyway what did you want to tell me about old Moira Kelly?
(KEEPS SMILING AND PUTS HIS HEAD IN NEWSPAPER)

Barbara
(LOOK OF SHOCK AND DISGUST)
She’s dead

(CAMERA CUTS TO JOHN AND SHOWS HIM TAKE HIS HEAD OUT OF NEWSPAPER, SMILE STARTS TO SLOWLY FADE AWAY)

Feel's like an older type of sketch, not my cup of tea, but I'm sure someone else might enjoy it.

Well written though

It is well written. The joke is okay, not sure if it's worthy of it's own sketch though? The punchline needs more punch.

I think it would be better if the woman was nice about Moira - not mentioning about starting thr trouble. As it is, there isn't enough difference between their views of her - both are quite damning.

Maybe if Barbara was saying how nice she was, about her charity work or something while her husband was just remembering riding her...

Thanks for the advice guys, this was one of my weaker sketches and I doubt ill mess around with it too much, ill just bin this idea and submit some other sketches later. Thanks for the advice though guys, much appreciated!

Paul there is a sketch there but its not the one you've written. Maybe have a man talking to another man then at the end one of them saying to the other she, Moira, has an STD or is pregnant. You can keep the same dialogue just change the people and the punchline

I agree, there is a sketch there somewhere. It might be fun to have John frantically backpedal after the revelation that she's dead.

One other thing. Be careful when you write a preface like this:

BARBARA AND JOHN ARE AN ELDERLY COUPLE WHO HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 50 YEARS.

Why write that at all? It's clear from the dialogue that they've known each other that long. Besides, how is a reader meant to understand that within the context of the sketch? It's superfluous information. If you can't show it or say it, it can't exist on the screen.