Another little irritant.
THE GUN SHOP
A MAN ENTERS A GUN SHOP.
FX
Bell rings
THE MAN WALKS UP TO AN ASSISTANT.
MAN
Oy! This pistol you sold me just half an hour ago doesn’t work.
ASSISTANT
I’m tewwibly sowwy sirw. What appears to be the pwoblem?
MAN
Well, this gun you sold me is a duff’un. There I was, performing on stage when this bloke runs on. So of course I tried to shoot ‘im but the bloody thing wouldn’t bleedin’ fire! Look…
EXACTLY AS THE GUN GOES OFF ANOTHER CUSTOMER ENTERS THE SHOP. INSTEAD OF THE BELL RINGING ALL THAT’S HEARD IS A CRACK OF GUN FIRE.
FX
Crack of gunfire.
THE MAN LOOKS UP AT THE BELL. HE MAKES HIS WAY PAST THE PREVIOUS SCENE TO THE COUNTER. IN THE BACKGROUND THE SINGER AND THE ASSISTANT ARE STRUGGLING WITH THE GUN.
SHOPKEEPER
Hello there. Can I help you?
CUSTOMER
Ah hello. Unusual doorbell you have there. Erm, I was looking to purchase some sort of weaponry.
SHOPKEEPER
And what type of weaponry is sir looking to purchase?
CUSTOMER
Actually, ideally I’d like a 12 bore shotgun.
SHOPKEEPER
Well we have a wide range here, sir.
SHOPKEEPER PICKS UP A CATALOGUE FROM UNDERNEATH THE COUNTER.
We have our basic package here, at £500, which comes with two months free supply of cartridges. This is recommended more for the beginner, as you receive a two-day tuition course courtesy of ‘Big Tony’.
CUSTOMER
Hmm, I see.
SHOPKEEPER
Of course there is a more advanced model at £1500 which assumes a level of gunmanship and comes with an extra six months, yes six months, free supply of ammunition, with the added bonus of a free stocking.
CUSTOMER
Well I have had quite a bit of hunting experience so that sounds quite interesting. But I was wondering whether the gun could be sawn off at the end.
SHOPKEEPER
Ah, that would bring me on to our top of the range model, costing £2500, with the end of the shotgun sawn off. And for an extra £50 we would scratch off the gun’s serial number. On top of all this for an extra £300 we would provide an alibi for that ‘occasion in question’.
CUSTOMER
Ah, right. Like it.
SHOPKEEPER
Plus, this model comes with its own contract.
CUSTOMER
Erm, actually I’d rather had in mind doing my own thing, thanks.
SHOPKEEPER
That’s not a problem, sir. We can remove that for you and replace it with a specific clause.
SHOPKEEPER SHOWS CUSTOMER A CONTRACT.
I sign, on behalf of our organisation, as well as you, sir. On section 2B there, you will notice that there is a secrecy clause in which if you say or do anything to associate this purchase with this shop or any of its staff, Big Tony will call round to your abode to blow your head off and dispose of your body as he sees fit.
CUSTOMER
Small print eh!
CUSTOMER PERUSES CONTRACT.
Everything seems in order here. Yes, I think I’ll take the top of the range model with the removed serial number and the £300 alibi.
SHOPKEEPER
A wise choice sir. I’ll just tally up your bill.
SHOPKEEPER TYPES THE DETAILS ON A TILL
F/X
Klaxon
SHOPKEEPER
This is your lucky day, sir. You are the one thousandth customer to have purchased this model. As a gesture we will throw in this extremely attractive carriage clock, free of charge.
SHOPKEEPER REMOVES A CARRIAGE CLOCK FROM A SHELF BEHIND HIM AND PLACES IT ON THE COUNTER.
CUSTOMER
Oh, how marvellous.
SHOPKEEPER PLACES WEAPON AND CARRIAGE CLOCK INTO A LARGE BROWN PAPER BAG AND HANDS IT TO THE CUSTOMER.
SHOPKEEPER
There you go, sir. Stay lucky.
CUSTOMER
Thank you very much. Good-bye.
CUSTOMER TURNS AND HEADS TO DOOR. HE WALKS PAST A COUNTER WHERE WE CAN SEE BEHIND IT THE TWO MEN FROM THE BEGINNING STILL STRUGGLING. HE OPENS THE DOOR.
F/X
Bell rings.
CUSTOMER PAUSES AND LOOKS UP AT THE BELL, QUIZZICALLY. HE SWINGS THE DOOR A COUPLE OF TIMES MORE MAKING THE BELL RING. HE SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS AND TURNS TO EXIT.
