Too many influences?

I love Louis Theroux and People Like Us. I'm fascinated by TV shows about everyday things (celebrity cooking, house DIY, make overs)and business (Ruth Badger, The Apprentice, Kitchen Nightmares) And i like the idea of merging them altogether.

Had an idea this afternoon - Scene below is the second in the episode and so skips the intro scene (takes place in Simon's car, on route to this scene) which sets the premise that Simon is a financial adviser, claim to fame...a newspaper column in the Reading Chronicle, who thinks he can be the next Ruth Badger. An arrogant salesman who thinks he knows best. His mate Mark is a mature student who dropped out of media studies (maybe kicked out), nicked a camera and they are now making a pilot show to sell to someone to make Simon the next Alan Sugar and Mark the next Oliver Stone. They are both early 30's.

Think Blair Witch, set in Berkshire - with no ghosts and more business advice. (How can that not work )

Ohh, the running gag is that Simon wants to make a Kitchen Nighmares style show but no one wants his advice so they get in on the premise of showing the public how hard the jobs are that they see everyday on TV. (but then try and twist it once the foots in the door)

Only thought of it over lunch so go easy! I have loads of scenes in my head but didn't want to play with them if this was pants and too unoriginal.

EXT - DAY

SIMON IS FACING CAMERA, STOOD WITH HIS BACK TO A QUIET STREET AND A ROW OF TYPICAL TERRACE HOUSES ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE.

SIMON
(to camera)
Property Development. We’ve all seen the shows. People buying run down houses in cheap parts of town, a few days work and boom. It seems that anyone can make a profit with magnolia paint and some laminate flooring.

(pause)

So today I’m with Samantha Lewis, developer of properties, to ask the question…If everyone is doing it. (pause) How hard can it be to do better?

CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL SAMANTHA, SLIM & ATTRACTIVE IN HER LATE 20’s, STOOD BESIDE HIM. LOOKING SLIGHTLY PUZZLED

SIMON (cont)
(shaking Sam’s hand)
Sam, Thank you for inviting us along today.

SAM
Hi, um just one thing…

MARK INTERRUPTS WITH HIS HAND COMING INTO SHOT

MARK (O.S)
Hello

SAM ACCEPTS HIS HAND SHAKE ALTHOUGH OBVIOUSLY WONDERING WHY THE CAMERA MAN IS TALKING TO HER.

SAM
Oh, er Hi there. Hi. Um. Yeah, just quickly. I thought the show was about you seeing how hard it is to develop property successfully. How it’s not easy like it seems on TV. That’s what we discussed.

SIMON
Absolutely. Sam, we want to show our viewers the inside story on a job they have only seen the outside of. From outside. So we’ll take them inside. We’ll sneak them behind the close doors of your world.

MARK (O.S)
Not spying though.

SIMON
Not spying. Observing. From afar. And if we need to be close you’ll know. Not spying.

MARK (O.S)
We could use hidden cameras though?

SIMON
(to Mark, side of the camera )
No need, not spying. Observing.

MARK(O.S)
I’ve got some shaped like flower pots.

SIMON
Don’t need them.

MARK(O.S)
You’d never know. Got one in the bedroom. Never been spotted.

SIMON
(back to Mark)
It’s not Beadles about. This is a proper show, shut up.

SAM IS LOOKING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE TWO, CLEARY GETTING THE IMPRESSION THEY ARE NOT AS SHE EXPECTED.

SAM
Ok, you just seemed to imply that you thought it could be done better.

SIMON
(back to Sam)
Implied. But not literally. Perhaps my experience in business will help add to the project in some way though.

SAM
On the phone you said you would just see what I do and be gone by four.

SIMON
That we will. But if I leave some tit bits of advice, then it’s your gain.
And there’re on the house. Your house.

SIMON LAUGHS AT HIS OWN JOKE FOLLOWED BY AN UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE

SAM
(dubiously)
What channel will this be on?

SIMON
Ohhh, a big one.

MARK (O.S)
Is someone interested?

SIMON
(dismissive glance to Mark)
Not now
(to Sam)
Now tell us more about your current project.

MARK (O.S)
I thought no one called you back?

SIMON IGNORES MARK AND GESTURES TO THE HOUSE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET.

SIMON
So this is it?

SAM
Yes

SIMON
It's great. What is that? Would you call that mock 1910's but modern.

SAM
Err, its a three bed terrace. It’s typical of what I develop. I got it at auction five months ago.

SIMON
And when do you get started on it?

SAM
It’s a week from being finished, I’ve been working on it for five months.

SIMON
It looks stunning.
(Pausing to take look over at the house)
You really capture a modern look while keeping the traditional elements alive.

SAM
Um. Thanks. With all my projects I try and update while being sympathetic to the original build. Successful so far so hopefully I’m doing something right.

SIMON
Yes. Now, do you deliberately look for areas where the other houses on the street are substandard? Easier to make yours look good?

SAM
This street is ok.

SIMON
Well, it’s ok. I mean its great for you at this level. Tidy the garden, some bits from B&Q, suddenly your house is double the value of these ones.
(gestures to the other house)

If I was doing this I think I’d go a bit more up market and push the ceiling price way up. I’m thinking there’s probably more profit in that.

SAM
It’s actually easier to make a quick return on a house like this than a more expensive one.

SIMON
Not always.

SAM
It tends to be.

SIMON
I can see your business thinking. I suppose at a certain point you run out of ways to improve something.
My house for example, you’d need to put in a pool or something to improve it. Some homes are almost undevelope(beat)able.

MARK (O.S)
You back onto the council sports centre. They have a pool.

SIMON
(to Mark)
Not the point.

MARK (O.S)
You could walk to it.

SIMON
Maybe I don’t want to swim with council people?

MARK (O.S)
I swim there. You can come with me.

SIMON
I don’t need help getting there. I just might want my own pool.

MARK (O.S)
It wouldn’t fit in your garden.

SIMON
It’s hypothetical. And pools come in all sizes. I’d get one that fits my garden.

SAM
Anyway, my point is this street is pretty nice.

MARK(O.S)
A Paddling pool?

SIMON GLANCES WITH FRUSTRATION AT MARK

SIMON
(back to Sam)
Yes it is. And its purpose serving as well which is good. House prices are very high for normal people in 2008. If you only have nice houses we’d have a lot of people living under bridges.
(laughs to himself)

SAM
People under bridges?

SIMON
Immigration people, supermarket workers, single mums. No one wants to see them under bridges. Even if it’s self inflicted.
If I was poor and someone offered me one of these I’d be very happy.

MARK (O.S)
When we drove down you said you’d kill yourself before living round here.

SIMON
(Glancing to Mark)
No I don’t think I did.

(Back to Sam)
I didn’t say that.

NEIGHBOUR (Off Screen)
Can I get past?

CAMERA TURNS TO SHOW LADY WITH A PUSH CHAIR WAITING TO PASS. SHE’S OBVIOUSLY HEARD THE CONVERSATION. CAMERA MOVES ASIDE TO LET THE LADY INTO THE HOUSE BEHIND.

SIMON
Good. Someone that needs a house is given a house. Case in point

CAMERA TURNS BACK TO SIMON AND SAM

NEIGHBOUR
(walking up her drive)
Twat

CAMERA BACK TO NEIGHBOUR

SIMON (O.S)
(shouting up the neighbours path)
If the council gave me a free house I think I’d show a little more gratefulness to the tax payers who paid for it.

CAMERA BACK TO SIMON BUT SWINGS BACK TO NEIGHBOUR WHEN THEY RESPOND

NEIGHBOUR
I work for this house, its mine. I have a mortgage. And I pay taxes.

SIMON (O.S)
Really?

CAMERA BACK TO SIMON WHO’S CHECKING HIS WATCH

SIMON (cont)
Ten past nine and you work for a living. Doesn’t really look that way to me.

NEIGHBOUR (O.S)
I work nights you jerk.

MARK(O.S)
Stripper?

CAMERA TURNS TO NEIGHBOUR TO SEE THE DOOR SLAM

SAM (O.S)
(shocked)
A stripper?

MARK (O.S)
Oh, or maybe a lap dancer?

CAMERA BACK TO SIMON & SAM

SIMON
Isn’t that a stripper?

MARK (O.S)
Strippers on stage, no touching. Lap dancer is up close. You can touch some of them. Mostly the cheaper ones so that’s cool.

SIMON
Ok. Well that’s a possible.

(looking to Sam for support in his opinion)
And no tax on tips.

LONG UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE WHILE SIMON GLANCES BACK TO MARK

SIMON (cont)
(realising its not going well)
No tax.

MARK (O.S)
Nope.

SAM LOOKS DISGUSTED. CAMERA FADES OUT AND COMES BACK WITH SIMON RECOMPOSED AND FACING SAM – 20 YARDS AWAY FROM ANGRY NEIGHBOURS HOUSE.

SIMON
(to camera)
So here with Sam Lewis again. Sam’s invited us to see her latest property deevlpopment and hopefully pick up some tips in the process.

SAM
I don’t need tips.

SIMON
(still to camera)
Maybe pick up some tips.

SAM
No thank you.

SIMON
(to Sam)
So Sam. You’ve been trying this for a while now. Your Wokingham’s very own Sarah Beeny.

(laughs to himself)

SAM
(smiles nervously at the comparison)
That would be nice but I’m not really at her level yet.

MARK (O.S)
Bit lacking

SIMON
(ignoring Mark and quickly turning towards Sam’s house )
Ok, would you like to show us around?

SAM
(to Mark)
Sorry?

MARK (O.S)
Lacking. (pause) A bit.

SAM
I’m lacking?

MARK (O.S)
A bit

SAM
(clearly annoyed)
What do I lack?

WHEN MARK STAYS QUIET SHE TURNS TO SIMON

SIMON
(gesturing to walk towards the house)
After you.

MARK (O.S)
Funbags

SIMON
(panicking)
No no no. No she’s not.

SAM
(to Mark)
My tits are too small to develop property?

AGAIN, MARK DOESN’T ANSWER SO SHE TURNS TO SIMON

SIMON
No they are not.

SAM
Really?

SIMON
Not at all. Your breast..ige..area is unrelated to your job doing ability.
(pause)
In fact it may even help to have no err. Volume. Less volume (pause) In this line of work.

SAM
(Highly annoyed)
It’s a help?

SIMON
Easier.
(takes time to think)
With heavy tools?

MARK (O.S)
Sarah Beeny can use tools.

SIMON
(to Mark and frustrated)
I think Samantha is quite able to use tools and develop property, even with no breasts.

SAM
(very annoyed)
I have breasts.

SIMON
(back to Sam)
Absolutely. Small ones. Which is fine.

SAM
What a joke. Why don’t you just film some slapper with big tits and a hard hat and make it all up.

SIMON
Hang on. Lets all calm down.

MARK (O.S)
(likes the slapper idea)
We could?

SAM WALKS AWAY, UNHOOKING HER MIC AS SIMON GOES AFTER HER.

SIMON (O.S)
Shall I ask the stripper?

CAMERA TURNS TO THE ANGRY NEIGHBOURS HOUSE AND FADES OUT.
FADE IN AND SAM HAS BEEN PERSUADED BACK.

SIMON
So Samantha, shall we enter your world?

SAM
(still obviously annoyed)
I can’t wait.

SIMON AND SAM ARE FILMED CROSSING THE ROAD TOGETHER TOWARDS HER HOUSE. SIMON SLIGHTLY AHEAD STARTS WALKING UP A DIFFERENT PATH TO SAMANTHA AND ONLY REALISES WHEN HE SPOTS SAMANTHA ENTER THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR.

HE ADMIRES THE FRONT DOOR OF THE WRONG HOUSE

SIMON
(to himself)
This is nice work. Letter box height is good.

BEFORE CLAMBERING OVER THE SMALL FENCE AND ENTERING SAM'S FRONT DOOR.

END OF SCENE.

A cold open for this show. This would be followed by a short scene in the car on route to the scene above:

EXT - DAY

SIMON IS FACING CAMERA, ONLY UPPER BODY IN SHOT. OFFICE BUILDING IN THE BACKGROUND.

SIMON
(to camera)
Can you cook? How about a little DIY? Easy enough? Hey. Can you pick your own clothes? Lose weight? (pause) Of course you can.

So why then, are TV experts showing us how to do these things better? Do we need these people? Can you not get by without help from the box in your living room. (beat) Or you might have plasma like me, wall mounted.

Every night they’re there, showing us how to do the obvious. Who are these people? and what makes them special? Maybe, it's them who needs the help?

CAMERA SLOWLY PULLS BACK TO SHOW SIMON IS LEANT AGAINST THE SIDE OF A PORSCHE

My name is Simon Dezel, I’m a successful businessman, the Reading Chronicle’s columnist on financial advice (beat) and now documentary maker.

(pause)

Why don’t you join me as I look at the everyday tasks TV companies say we can’t do on our own. Let’s talk to some of the self proclaiming experts in these fields. And who knows, maybe it will be me that can improve them?

Together, lets ask. (pause)

How hard can it be? To do better.

SUDDENLY SIMON SPOTS A MAN APPROACHING AND THE CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL SIMONS IN A USED CAR FORECOURT AND THE PORSCHE IS ONE OF MANY.

CAR DEALER
Can I help you?

SIMON
Hi there.

(to camera man)
OK, we're good.

SCENE ENDS

I really liked that. The way it flowed reminded me of 'peep show', which for me is no bad thing.

As for the premise Simon being an 'arrogant' financial advisor with issues and mark being a mature 'drop out' student i would cut that.

Leave the script to reveal their personalities (which it does well). Maybe just have: Simon is a part time financial advisor with a claim to fame of once having a column in the Reading Chronicle and Mark a mature media student.

It'll soon be apparent that they are a pair of opportunists with time not on their side trying to make something out of nothing 'cept an idea.

Nice work IMHO

Thanks - the premise was going to be shown bit by bit through the script so hopefully would do as you describe.

I have 101 scences in my head for this episode....along with all the other "trades" that they "expose" .... not to mention the US shows when HBO pick it up. I want Simon and Mark going behind the scenes of Pimp my Ride

A small warning: I think parody (especially of specific shows / ads / etc) is generally not encouraged by broadcasters because it dates really fast.

Haven't yet read your extract tho but will try to soon.

I think this is great. It comes across as quite Gervaisian"(?) and I mean that very much as a compliment. I could picture it working very well and the idea of the Simon character thinking he knows more about stuff than the so-called experts has some good mileage. Good stuff.

Bo.

thanks Slag, Interesting point - I'm not clever enough to understand where parody stops and mockymentary starts. Obviously Brass Eye is a parody of a show like Panorama...but isnt The Office a parody of a documentary? Both popular as well.

Should add - this isnt specific parody as such. For example, with this episode -as long as we have TV shows on how to do DIY, build a house, sell a house, buy a house, etc...it will work (i hope)

My thinking was actually a bit simpler than that i guess - when i watch The Apprentice i wonder if it would be funnier (i know its not a comedy ) if they just used actors and made it all up....is it really only funny because its real?

I remember seeing Ali G interview some big NBA stars (all set up and they were in on it)and it was as funny as his "real" interviews.

Ali
Does the ball bounce because its got springs in?

Kobe Bryant
No, its full of air.

Ali
This room is full of air. Why aint it bouncing. Ayyye?

Quote: Bohannon @ January 31, 2008, 12:41 PM

I think this is great. It comes across as quite Gervaisian"(?)

View original

And what a nightmare that is! So hard to avoid that obvious comparison.

I suppose the main difference is that David Brent wanted to be loved....Simon Dezel simply knows best, he really doest care who he upsets because they're wrong anyway - mixed with today's TV where every other show is telling us how to paint, cook, loose weight i thought the mix worked.

Kitchen Nightmares (how to cook), Grand Designs/Prop Ladder (how to put up shelves), Trinny and Susan (what to wear), The Apprentice (how to get a job)..... cable at 3am will even tell you how to play poker!

I'll do another scene after lunch and stick it up tonight - Simon wants to take down all the walls (open plan is the new (beat) lots of rooms like before) and they meet the project Architect called Bill Smith. Childish but the camera man mumbling "boom boom, shake the room" had me chuckling to myself in bed last night!

I have the attention span of a gnat, so very nearly didn't bother reading when I saw the length of this. Glad I did, thought it was great, loads of potential. I like the ideas you've got for where you think this can go. I see good dialogue, the making of really good characters and ideas to work on.

If I were a TV producer and you sent me this script, I'd be on the phone to you within 5 seconds of finishing it.

It's funny - but, much more importantly, it's very obviously written by someone with considerable comedy-writing talent.

Write a 30-minute episode of this series and send it straight to a TV producer. Don't bother with the BBC Writers Room.

You're good.

whooo!

easy boys.....i'll be handing in my resignation on Monday at this rate

I have about 20mins of stuff now - including lots of stuff where Simon is filmed without him knowing which shows the plot arc of his problematic divorce and, well, all sorts of other stuff that will (over 6 episodes) show why he is like he is and doing what he's doing.

In the mean time, here's another couple of scenes i did this morning - just on case the stuff above was a fluke!

SIMON IS STROLLING THROUGH THE GARDEN OF SAM’S HOUSE. HALF THE LAWN IS TURFED AND HALF IS BARE

SIMON
(to camera)

Daniel Defoe once wrote, No man is an island. He had a point, Marks & Spencer, Holland & Barratt, Renault & Laguna. Household names that tell us its often easier to succeed in business if your not on your own.

Developing a property is a huge task for any woman. Of course, Sam relies heavily on other professionals and even entrepreneurs, self made men, myself included, have to be able to work with others to achieve a common goal.
Mutual respect for the skills each bring to the table is vital. Lose that (pause) lose business.

Let’s meet some of the people behind Sam’s success.

AS SIMON FINISHES A BLOKE LAYING TURF APPEARS IN SHOT BEHIND HIM.

SIMON
(to turf man)
For f**ks sake. Mate, seriously. Have a Pot Noodle in your van. We just need five minutes here.

CUT

INT - INDOORS

HEAD SHOT OF A SHORT CHUBBY BLACK MAN, WEARING GLASSES – MID 50’s

BILL
(to camera)
Um hello. My name is Bill Smith and I am an architect with Turnbull & Smith. We’re a medium size firm. And, yeah, um, we’ve worked with Miss Lewis on a number of her builds.
(Pause)

BILL
(to mark)
Ok?

CUT

INT - INDOODRS

SAM IS STOOD BETWEEN SIMON AND BILL READY TO INTRODUCE THEM TO EACH OTHER FOR THE CAMERA

SAM
Simon, this is Bill Smith. Bill's my architect and drew up the plans for this development.

SIMON
(shaking Bill’s hand)
Mr Smith, very nice to meet you.

BILL
Hi

SIMON
Flown in from LA especially?
(smiles to camera)

BILL
Er, I drove. Our office is in Bracknell.

MARK (O.S)
Boom Boom Shake the Room

SIMON
(nodding to Mark)
Hey up, he got it.

EMBARSSED SILENCE

SIMON
(to mark)
Do another. Something newer.

BILL
Its ok, I get--

MARK (O.S)
(interrupts)
Bad Boys Bad Boys

BILL
I get it. Its Bill (beat) not Will.

MORE SILENCE

SAM
Did you want to ask Bill about the planning process?

SIMON
Yes I did. Tell me Bill, does a lot of time go into the plans before work can start.

BILL
Oh, Absolutely. We probably do--

SIMON
(interrupting, as though Bill had stopped him mid sentence)
And is it really necessary?

BILL
(laughs)
It's certainly necessary. Unless you want the house to fall down.

BILL AND SAM LAUGH AT SIMON WHO SMILES FALSEY

SIMON
Well you say that but there wasn't much planning done hundreds of years ago and they still built things that stand today. I doubt the Egyptians had architechs for the pyramids.
(laughs back at Bill)

BILL
You’ll probably find they had some sort of plan. I don’t think they just started laying bricks one day.

SIMON
I think you’ll find they might have done. And no one will ever know for sure.

BILL
Anyway, a modern house is something very different. Building regulations have to be met, health and safety issues need to be considered. You cant skim over these things.

As I always tell my clients, No one plans to fail, they just fail to plan. (smiles)

SIMON
Really? Many of my clients tell me (thinks) They say, Simon. Lets not fail to act (beat) by waiting to plan.

BILL
I don’t know what that means.

SIMON
It means (beat) Don’t let too many plans, stop you getting (beat) actions in place.

MORE EMBARESSED SILENCE

SAM
(realising Bill's time is being wasted)
Ok, thanks Bill.
(to Simon)
You’re done with Bill now, yeah?

SIMON
Sure.
(shaking bills hand)
Thanks for your time Bill. Hope you found it useful.

BILL
Nice to meet you.

BILL STARTS TO LEAVE THE ROOM

SIMON
Say Hi to Jazzy Jeff for me.

BILL
Its Bill, with a B.

MARK (O.S)
Look out for Aliens

BILL HAS LEFT THE ROOM, SAM LOOKS AT SIMON LIKE HE'S A BIT OF A FOOL.

SIMON
(to Sam)
Men in Black

MARK (O.S)
Independence Day

SIMON
Ok, that works too.

CUT

Yes, it's still good stuff.

Thirty minutes of this will have any TV comedy producer thinking very seriously about you and your writing.

This could be a smash-hit TV series.

If I were you I'd send it to myself, Royal Mail Special Delivery. Write on the back of the envelope which script it is and don't open it when delivered. If this script gets nicked, you get a solicitor to open the letter as proof it is yours

I like it but is it starting to get pretty samey, pretty quickly (or do I need my head testing) .. just a thought geezer .. but some very, very fine writing there. The flow of dialogue that you achieve is something many of us are only aspiring to, and you're producing it in quantity.

Be careful though not to repeat the same gag over and over, if you see what I mean, e.g. the next time Simon tries to out do 'experts' like Sam and Bill, will it be the same gags? How do you make it different each time? Is it a sitcom or a repeating sketch? Having said that, maybe the obvious repetition is a trait of successful modern comedy?

And like you said, you have stuff about his divorce and so on which will take it somewhere different. Anyway, just a thought/feeling from a first read through.. i.e. that the Simon character is going to need more facets maybe, to sustain interest?

Very good writing mate! Really nice to see. I would say you have plenty to offer the World! Good luck!!!

Another good scene I thought. Aside from the series storyline does each episode work towards some sort of climax, i.e is there any kind of plot to hang the interviews on?

Bo.

Fair points. I've jigged it about and re-done some stuff to keep his interactions fresh.

Also, the way he interacts is dicated by those he meets. Episode 2 (god forbid!) is a kitchen that actually WANTS his help so he reacts very differently with no need to try and show anyone up. Although obvioulsy still is the same chartacter.

We also meet his boss and his wife so we see him with people he has to be different with.

Hard to not write the same gag over and over!

Quote: Bohannon @ February 3, 2008, 1:37 AM

Another good scene I thought. Aside from the series storyline does each episode work towards some sort of climax, i.e is there any kind of plot to hang the interviews on?

Bo.

View original

Sort of - but not a massive plot within, certainly this, episode. It was more to introduce the character i suppose....what was the plot of episode 1 of the office?

I suppose there is a plot in that his interactions escalated to a high point and that results in things reaching a climax....of sorts.