Comedy Drama Script Scenes 4-5

Here's the next bit for those who requested some more of this. Also added to original post for continuity's sake and ease of reading.

Once again thanks for sticking with it

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YER MAN:

4.INT - VIKING PUB - NIGHT.

The band sitting at a table except for Billy who is at the bar getting the drinks in. IAN the barman comes over to serve him.

IAN:
Yes Billy what'll it be?

BILLY:
Five pints Ian.

Ian goes to pull the pints and when he has lined them up he gestures to Billy to bend down close to him in a conspiratorial manner.

IAN: (speaking very quietly)
It's none of my business Billy, but what have you been up to recently? I had Isaac Hamilton and two of his goons in here lookin' for you earlier on

BILLY:
I know he caught up with me in the bookies

IAN:
Looks as if he's caught up with you again

Hamilton enters the pub. He is wearing a different expensive suit. There is gold Rolex on his wrist and his tie is sporting a tie pin with some kind of gemstone in it. It looks as if he is going out on some business. He is accompanied by Barry and another thick set man. Seeing Billy talking to Ian he gestures for his minders to take a seat by the door and he strides towards the bar.

HAMILTON:
Ah! ... The man himself ... we meet again Ringo.

BILLY:
Mr Hamilton how goes it? We were just sayin' that you'd been in earlier lookin' to see me and I was tellin' him we met up earlier.

Billy tries to be nonchalant but is obviously very nervous, so much so, that he knocks one of the pints that Ian has just poured, all over the bar

HAMILTON:
We're a wee bit jumpy tonight aren't we?

BILLY:
Not at all(to Ian) Give’s another pint of Harp there Ian ...just clumsy ... always been my problem that.

HAMILTON:
Is that a fact? I'd a thought clumsiness was no attribute for a drummer to have. Cool co-ordination's the thing surely?

Billy is feeling under pressure and it shows.

HAMILTON:
Right down to business. I said earlier I want a word with you all.

He indicates the other band members sitting at a table in the corner

HAMILTON:
Away and have a seat with the other Beatles and I'll be with you in a minute ... I'm away for a pee first. A large Jameson Ian.

IAN:
Sure thing Mister Hamilton ... on the house.

BILLY:
That's very kind of you Ian. Cheers.

IAN:
Never mind cheers you! That'll be twelve pound forty if you don't mind and I'm letting you off the one you spilled.

Hamilton goes off to the gents. Billy pays Ian and carries the drinks over to the others. He sits down at the table looking worried.

JONTY:
You look like you've just seen a ghost?

BILLY: (Breezy)
Oh Yeah! I meant to tell you at rehearsal but it slipped my mind. Isaac Hamilton wants a word with us. He's gonna be joining us in a minute.

JONTY:
What have you been up to Billy?

BILLY:
Nothin'

JONTY:
Hamilton doesn't want you for nothin'. There must be some kind of reason now. Do you owe him? I'm outta here!

Jonty gets up to go, not noticing that Hamilton has come up behind him on his way back from the gents. Hamilton places a hand on Jonty's shoulder

HAMILTON:
Freeze Jonty! Don’t you be headin' off anywhere. You're involved in this ... as a matter of fact you're all involved in it.

He sits down at the table with them

JONTY:
Ikey how goes it? I didn't see you there

HAMILTON
Hmmm! Right lads there's a wee favour that I want doin' and you're the very boys that can do it.

Hamilton knocks back his whisky and looks at them all individually. He calls out to Ian

HAMILTON:
Same again Ian and what ever the Beatles are havin' ...on my tab.

IAN:
Right ye be mister Hamilton.

There is a silence round the table. Hamilton can see that they are all very nervous. He flashes a smile at them

HAMILTON:
Relax lads ... you're not in trouble ... not yet anyway.

BILLY:
What do you want us for Ikey? How can we help you?

HAMILTON: (slowly)
Help's the very word I'd use. Well Ringo it's like this. My sources tell me that you fellas are all of for a wee jaunt round the South with your group. Right?

BILLY:
Yes that's true, no law against that though is there?.

HAMILTON:
No very true. Matter of fact I'm all for cross-border relations. It's the very reason that you're in a position to help me.

BILLY:
I don't follow you there.

Ian arrives at the table with the drinks. The conversation is temporarily suspended until he has off-loaded the tray. They watch him make his way back to the bar.

HAMILTON:
Now where were we?. Oh yes you don't follow me isn't that it

BILLY
Well then?

HAMILTON
I believe that one of the gigs you're to do is in Cork. In a club called the Shabeen isn't that right?

BILLY:
How do you know that?

HAMILTON
Very little that I don't know round these parts. Anyhow that's how you can help. There's this package that'll be passed on to you when you're at the Shabeen. All you have to do is hold onto it, put it away in your van and bring it back to little old me. Easy as peein' down a drain but not half as dirty. What do you say?

BILLY(uncomfortably):
Ach, I don't think so Ikey. I don't like the sound of it. I mean we've such a busy schedule that we'd have no time for all that.

HAMILTON:
Nonsense Ringo! You lot don't have to do a thing. My contacts are doin’ all the hard work. All you have to do is put it with your gear on the van and bring it back

JONTY:
Couldn't you get a few of your lads to go and get it instead?

HAMILTON:
You guys aren't listening are you? My mind's made up you're the ones doing it.

Just at this point Hamilton's mobile phone rings and he answers the call

HAMILTON:
Yes right. I'll be right there.(to Billy) Look I've gotta go. I've made up my mind and I'll be in touch soon. I suggest that you explain your predicament to these lads

He gets up and leaves. They all look very worried

JONTY:
What does he mean your predicament Billy? Jesus you owe him a money don't you?

BILLY:
Well sort of

JONTY:
How much is sort of?

BILLY:
A grand plus

JONTY:
Shit a brick...

FADE OUT:


5.INT: THE FOYER OF A LUXURY HOTEL SAME EVENING - NIGHT

Hamilton is in conversation with DU PRE, a man with a swarthy complexion. Sitting at a table having a drink they speak quietly

HAMILTON:
Yes Mister Du Pre I've just left them earlier. They've just been hired so to speak.

DU PRE:
You are sure that they've no idea?

HAMILTON
None whatsoever.

DU PRE
I have invested a lot of time and effort in tracking down the whereabouts of this thing. I shouldn't want it to go...as you say...balls up?

HAMILTON:
Tits up you mean.

DU PRE
Yes tities up, that's it.

HAMILTON:
It won't go wrong. Holy Thomas is as good as back home. Believe me the plan is fool-proof. They'll have no idea what it is. I've told them it's just package and not to be too nosey about it.

DU PRE:
You say that they are a group of musicians?

HAMILTON:
Yes that's right. Well they own instruments anyway. It's the perfect cover believe me

Du Pre presses his hand either side of his nose as if in deep thought then moves them forward as if to pray. He smiles as if he is convinced

DU PRE:
Very good mister Hamilton. Shall we eat?

HAMILTON:
I think we will. The food here is wonderful just like home from home for you. The chef, Henri, is a personal friend of mine. His Poulet avec champignons et les truffles is to die for.

DU PRE:
Quite honestly Mister Hamilton I should prefer burger and chips if he can do that?

HAMILTON:
No bother just leave that with me.

Both men get up and make their way towards the restaurant.

END OF SECTION:

I'm not surprised this got picked up by a production company. - it really flows well and the characters are revealed in a gentle way. It's really enjoyable to read.
Perhaps you could build on some wise words that a production company gave me after rejecting one of my sitcom scripts - that more of the comedy needs to come from the situations.
Still, quality.

good characters, good plot. let's hear the rest.

job

good dialogue nice pacing really good cant wait for next installment, only critique I can offer is some of the dialogue I think could be trimmed a bit make it flow better just my 2 cent though

I reckon Mr Hamilton could do with toughening up. He lets these young lads call him Ikey, buys them drinks and says words like 'pee' and 'little old me'. Even if he's putting on a charming front (which he'd have no reason to with these nobodies) there's not enough underlying nastiness to him.

Hope thats useful.

Thanks for the comments, very heartening indeed.

Glad that some are finding this enjoyable.

Shoe Pie, I know what you mean, however this is a quite a light piece (think modern Ealing Comedy) and some of Hamilton's phrases are more colloquial to Northern Ireland.

Jonty calls him Ikey, as he knows him better than the others and is more 'street' but that is not evident from what's gone on so far. Other Ikeys are typos and thanks for pointing that out. I agree with you he wouldn’t stand for it with the others.

The whole story develops into a 'caper' so I don't want Hamilton written as a "nail yer head to the table" type villain. He has his reasons for being nice to them and they are revealed as things go along.

Thanks again for your comments all.

Once again I found your writing easy to read with a very simple dialogue. Perhaps too many Beatle references and perhaps Hamilton is just a bit too convivial to allow his true threat of menace to surface but even so, I can’t help but feel that these things aren’t anything that can’t be tightened on further drafts or even a script-in-hand reading.

The style is wonderfully fresh and I do hope that you are able to get this picked up. No doubt you have already gone down the agency route but if on the off chance you haven’t, I hope you give it a go.

Fair enough Blenkinsop, you seem to know what you're doing. I still think there's room for him to be meaner even if it is light-hearted just to enhance the drama but as you say the character has his reasons.

I look forward to reading more and seeing how it develops. Are you re-writing it to re-submit?

Thanks Baumski and ShoePie

I am combining all new bits onto the original thread.

The positive feedback I'm getting has made me work on this again and I am doing editing and re-writes prior to sending it out again.

Definitely keep at it. Having spent many an afternoon in the bookies and many a night in the pub it's right up my street and I have enjoyed it very much so far.

It reminds me a little of a story that was on TV 3 or 4 years ago where a couple of petty villains fell foul of a Mr Big having picked up the wrong briefcase which contained his money. That was great fun and I like what I see here, it has the same easy going style.

I agree with you about not making Hamilton an out and out bad guy, perhaps Du Pre will fulfill that role? I like the shoelace joke and Billy's easy-come-easy-go sort of style. My only negative comment would be there's nothing in it so far to appeal to a female audience but I guess that may come later.

But thanks for posting it. I've enjoyed what I've seen so far but then I'm bang on your target audience for something like this - the missus wouldn't go for it at the moment but, as I said, perhaps there's a sub plot on the way that would catch her attention?

Well written, but it read to me more like a drama than a comedy. Also, you should cut down on the description a bit, eg 'it looks as if...'