Quote: jacparov @ February 3, 2008, 9:12 PMI thought the re drafted scenes were much better, especially scene one.
Thanks!
I do think it's much easier on the reader to open with a two-hander. I'm really glad this was brought to my attention.
FLAT - My latest attempt at a TV sitcom. Page 9
Quote: JohnnyD @ February 3, 2008, 9:09 PMNewcastle won 4-1.
Don't worry, it's not an episode of The Likely Lads.
I know the score already.
Boro won 5-4.
Quote: James Williams @ February 3, 2008, 9:13 PMWell, we'll have to disagree. I suspected you and many others may prefer Chimes of Freedom's edit. It confirms that those of you who do just don't "get" the style of what I'm trying for.
The irony is that IMO in the suggested edit the two characters were made to sound similar, the scene was lengthened, a couple of half-decent jokes were distorted and made far less funny and some naff ones were thrown in. Exactly what I've been accused of doing all along.
I am open to editing that I think works. IMO that didn't, in a big way - sorry. And it is really nice of you to suggest ways I can improve.
As I say, thanks for taking the time for critique y'all. A lot of it's been very very useful and I'm constantly improving the script as a result.
I'm also clearly writing on a different wavelength to many people.
Sorry to sound an arrogant arse but some people's perception of what makes a good script amazes me. It's fascinating!
I understand the style but you can only get so far with gentle banter in a show.
I'm thinking of renaming my sitcom "When the Whistle Blows". What do you reckon?!
Quote: James Williams @ February 3, 2008, 9:16 PMI'm thinking of renaming my sitcom "When the Whistle Blows". What do you reckon?!
A trad gag is a good gag if it's delivered right. You can underplay it, you can overplay it.
See WTWB as you mention: "The door to my office is always open (MUGS TO CAMERA) I think it's the bloody hinges, get it fixed will you!!"
Overplayed and hammy, deliberately, so it makes it appear cheesy.
Similar gag, downplayed, from Spaced. (re Brian's friends art performance) "So . . . Are you going to go?", "Well, I don't know, I've not seen him for years.", "No, I meant are you going to go . . . Now."
Similar pun, but played totally differently for a different comic effect.
A script can live and die by direction, casting, lighting, film type - everything but if there's no strong laughs, it's dead in the water.
Quote: Seefacts @ February 3, 2008, 9:21 PMA trad gag is a good gag if it's delivered right. You can underplay it, you can overplay it.
See WTWB as you mention: "The door to my office is always open (MUGS TO CAMERA) I think it's the bloody hinges, get it fixed will you!!"
Overplayed and hammy, deliberately, so it makes it appear cheesy.
Similar gag, downplayed, from Spaced. (re Brian's friends art performance) "So . . . Are you going to go?", "Well, I don't know, I've not seen him for years.", "No, I meant are you going to go . . . Now."
Similar pun, but played totally differently for a different comic effect.
A script can live and die by direction, casting, lighting, film type - everything but if there's no strong laughs, it's dead in the water.
...But do you think I should call it "When The Whistle Blows"?
Sorry to be a wind-up.
What you say is true, but I don't find it applicable. The script is by no means perfect but I think there are strong laughs and I think it boils down to a grassroots difference of opinion on what makes a funny script.
Quote: Chimes of Freedom @ February 3, 2008, 9:33 PMOne of the writing world's greatest truths is that if there's a huge, flashing neon sign above your head saying "I AM A COMPLETE **** SUFFERING FROM DELUSIONS OF ADEQUACY", producers will not be falling over themselves to work with you.
This isn't appropriate and only reflects badly on you.
You're right of course, but luckily the bulbs went ages ago.
You do appear dim.
Quote: Chimes of Freedom @ February 3, 2008, 10:19 PMI'd PAY to see you performing the 'right' material and I assure you a lot of other people would too.
Well I'm starting writing a sketch called "Man hanging from Noose" in the hope that James agrees to perform it.
Quote: Rob B @ February 3, 2008, 10:24 PMWell I'm starting writing a sketch called "Man hanging from Noose" in the hope that James agrees to perform it.
Yes, yes, you beat me to it you swine!
Quote: Chimes of Freedom @ February 3, 2008, 10:19 PMJames,
I've just watched your YouTube vids and I have to say you're a highly talented comedy performer. I can easily imagine you starring in your own TV show.
I mean it. I'm not winding you up.
The only thing standing between you and national success as a comedy performer is the absence of suitable material.
You really shine as a performer but I strongly suggest you either find yourself a writer or start writing much funnier stuff than you're writing at the moment.
Believe me, there's 1000 times more money in performing comedy than there is in writing it - so why knock yourself out when people are queuing up to get their work performed by talented comedians?
I'd PAY to see you performing the 'right' material and I assure you a lot of other people would too.
Even leaving the material aside, you'd be brilliant on an unscripted comedy show like 'Buzzcocks'. In fact, my most earnest belief is that you're much funnier UNscripted than scripted,
I'm not entirely sure if you're serious but thanks anyway... sort of!!
Quote: Chimes of Freedom @ February 3, 2008, 10:19 PMyou'd be brilliant on an unscripted comedy show like 'Buzzcocks'.
Buzzcocks 'unscripted'?! I don't think so.
Nothing wrong with sticking up for your own material james, if you think it works better than what others have said. I read the first scene of the re-edited version, and thought it was quite good. Perhaps too many characters and too long, could be punchier, but it did make me laugh a couple of times. This thread is far too long for me to read through, but it does seem people are being a bit arsey about the fact that the author of the piece is saying he thinks his version of things is better than their potential re-writes, which I find a bit odd. As I say, cant be arsed to read through the whole bloody thread, so I may be getting this all wrong, but its up to you James, as the writer, to go with your gut, and up to the rest of us to realise that we might also be wrong about our opinion being better than his.
An old proverb, when one person says you stink he's being rude, when two do take a bath, when the whole village does make it a long bath
Like I say, havent read the whole thread, but James didnt seem to be being that rude, no ruder than people were being to him anyway! Though I may have missed his post calling us all a bunch of c**ts!!
SCENE 1. LIVING ROOM. INT. DAY. (MONDAY)
THE FLAT IS IN ITS USUAL BARELY LIVEABLE STATE. MESS EVERYWHERE.
MATT IS ASLEEP ON THE SOFA UNDER A BLANKET, NOT VISIBLE.
JIM ENTERS, DRESSED FOR WORK.
JIM:
Where’s my notepad?
MATT:
Oh, Jim, I’m trying to get some sleep here, like.
JIM:
I need to find notepad, because it's got all my jokes written on it.
MATT:
But Jim you're not funny, though you do have acting ability.
JIM:
What are you saying?
MATT:
Just go back to bed.
JIM:
Okay
THE END