I agree with Badge that you just to take the crit that you feel is valid and ignore the rest. Doing anything else doesn't help you, and in fact probably just makes you doubt yourself.
TBH the script was probably too far along to be critiqued here, and all we've done is undermine something that fundamentally can't change to the degree suggested.
Just make those changes you're happy with and send it off to those people that really matter and prove all us other tits wrong 
Quote: Rob B @ January 31, 2008, 11:18 PMI agree with Badge that you just to take the crit that you feel is valid and ignore the rest. Doing anything else doesn't help you, and in fact probably just makes you doubt yourself.
TBH the script was probably too far along to be critiqued here, and all we've done is undermine something that fundamentally can't change to the degree suggested.
Just make those changes you're happy with and send it off to those people that really matter and prove all us other tits wrong
Absolutely.
Especially the "agree with Badge" bit.
Quote: James Williams @ January 31, 2008, 10:12 PMOK. I posted a number of instalments though; I believe it gets better toward the end. I think I knew the opening needed a bit of work... more jokes... I do happen to rather like the ones that are there though, e.g. "burns victim".
Yes that was a good line. I was wanting to get involved with the character more though. like in the first Harry Potter book, the first time the reader 'meets' Harry he is a poor orphaned boy, abused by his steparents and forced to sleep in a cupboard. You are instantly on his side.
I realise that is probably patronising and that you know that already, sorry!
Basically I wanted a reason to care and to read on.
Quote: Badge @ January 31, 2008, 11:20 PMAbsolutely. Especially the "agree with Badge" bit.
Except the bit Rob B excerpted was what I suggested way back in my second post on the thread - that crit is biased opinion and the writer selects what is useful. 
But I agree with Badge on that point, just to create a kinda snake eating its tail thingummy.
I am Jelly James.
I have never had this many replies to any of my stuff.
Lucky boy you!
There's more.
When I read the first scene, I was confused in several places.
I know that for some people 'spelling things out' is anathema (see Martin Holmes on the Peep Show melon in the Gavin and Tracey thread), but I didn't know which couple weren't having sex. I rather assumed it was Matt and Dave. A less ambiguous "Have you two had a fight?" would have put me right.
Also, why did Dave "need a bag"? And what was JIM PUTS SOME OF HIS PAPER IN THE BAG all about.
Probably just me, of course.
Best.
Sorry to be a bumping bore. Redraft:
SCENE 1. LIVING ROOM. INT. DAY. (MONDAY)
THE FLAT IS IN ITS USUAL BARELY LIVEABLE STATE. MESS EVERYWHERE.
MATT IS ASLEEP ON THE SOFA UNDER A BLANKET, NOT VISIBLE.
JIM ENTERS, DRESSED FOR WORK.
JIM:
Where’s my notepad?
JIM TAKES A DIRTY FORK FROM INSIDE A DISCARDED POT NOODLE AND JABS THE BLANKET.
MATT:
Oh, for-! What the-!
JIM:
You’ve got my pad. I’m in court in half an hour.
MATT:
Oh, Jim, I’m trying to get some sleep here, like.
JIM:
Give it to me or I’ll call the landlord and tell him there’s a hobo on his sofa.
MATT:
All right, calm down.
MATT DRAWS OUT THE NOTEPAD FROM THE RECESSES OF HIS BLANKET.
JIM:
(READING) Shopping list: Pot noodle, pot noodle, pot noodle, pot noodle, pot noodle, vodka. (LOOKS UP) Noodle has two “o”s.
MATT:
I’m shattered. I need some advice, Jim.
JIM:
Not interested.
MATT:
Listen! I think I’m going impotent.
OPENING CREDITS
SCENE 2. LIVING ROOM. INT. DAY. (MONDAY)
IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING PREVIOUS SCENE.
MATT:
The funny thing is, I don’t have a problem – you know, on my own, like. The problem comes when - when me and Abi fancy a bit of one-on-one. I get all excited, and then when the time comes, I can’t do it.
JIM:
I don’t want to know.
MATT:
I thought you might have some experience.
JIM:
Thanks. I’m not helping you.
MATT:
I’ve identified the root cause already.
JIM:
Have you.
MATT:
I don’t know what to do about it. It’s been driving me mad, but I suppose it was obvious when I thought about it. Read my lips: voodoo dildo.
JIM:
What do you mean, ‘voodoo dildo’? Are you hiding a bag somewhere that you just pick words out of?
MATT:
Don’t laugh, I’ve just heard myself, I know it sounds a bit loopy. My ex-girlfriend, right, I wanted to give her a romantic gift for her birthday coming up next month. And a little tip - a good place to look is the Innovations catalogue - they get all sorts of wicked stuff in there and you won’t it find in the shops.
JIM:
That’s because no-one wants to buy glow-in-the-dark incontinence pads and inflatable tea-cosies.
MATT:
Ah, shut up Jim. Anyway, I got her a personalised dildo. You put your Mr Man in the mould, pour on the plaster of Paris, and get a reproduction willy. It’s called a CopyCock.
JIM:
Matt - that is not a romantic gift.
MATT:
‘Course it is. It’s a comfort thing, like thinking that wherever she is in the whole world, on a cold, lonely night, she’d have my hand to hold.
JIM:
It’s not quite like that, is it?
MATT:
Anyway, I’m telling you, it’s all gone wrong. A week ago I finally told her about Abi. She went mental, like. Screaming about coming to get me and telling me I had to send all her stuff back. Ringing me up with threats every five minutes - I’ve had to get a new ‘phone. I posted all of her stuff back, and that’s roundabout when the problem started. You see, I can’t find that copy of my penis anywhere – it must have been in the box I sent her.
JIM:
Wow, it was Christmas come early for her, wasn’t it?
MATT:
I think she’s using it as some kind of voodoo doll. She’s sapping my powers from me.
JIM:
What do you want me to do about it?
MATT:
I don’t know. But she’s mad, man. She’s got voodoo powers. She’s the dark side of the force and my light sabre’s on the line. We need to get my cock back.
PAUSE.
JIM:
Yes. I’m having a cup of tea.
JIM HEADS TO THE KITCHEN AREA TO MAKE TEA.
ABI ENTERS, HOLDING A PINT GLASS HALF-FILLED WITH COFFEE.
ABI:
Morning.
JIM:
It is.
ABI GOES THROUGH TO KITCHEN AREA AND EMPTIES A PACK OF PRO PLUS INTO HER COFFEE.
ABI:
Any good stories today?
JIM:
No. There’s a rapist up at three; that might be fun.
ABI:
Well, smell you later guys; work beckons. Laters.
ABI EXITS AS DAVE ENTERS
DAVE:
At least you’ve both got jobs to go to.
JIM:
Jesus.
DAVE:
I’ve been awake for hours, thinking about how to get another job. Is Abi ok? She seemed a little, er, cagey this morning.
JIM:
Matt’s impotent.
MATT:
Don’t tell him!
WE HEAR POLICE SIRENS.
DAVE:
I need money. How am I going to pay the rent? I’m really not sure it’s healthy for me to spend all day here, thinking about it. Maybe I’ll go for a little walk.
JIM:
Maybe you should have done your job properly. Then they wouldn’t have told you you had to go for a walk.
DAVE:
It’s a disciplinary review. It’s not as easy as it looks, being a recruitment consultant. Nobody wanted to take any of the jobs I offered them – in fact most of them were at work when I rang.
JIM:
What are those sirens?
DAVE:
I don’t know – maybe you should have a look. I hope it’s nothing serious.
JIM:
I do. Might be a story. Maybe someone’s died.
JIM LOOKS OUT OF THE CURTAINS
JIM:
Damn, can’t see what’s going on. Someone has to be at least maimed.
DAVE:
I thought you were at court today.
JIM:
Can’t be in two places at once. Dave, you’ll have to go.
DAVE:
Eh? Sorry? What?
JIM:
An alien concept: I’m using my initiative. I’ll cover this; you toddle off to court. Now record everything that’s said - everything. No mistakes.
DAVE:
‘No mistakes’: I can’t do that! And I can’t write quickly enough, can I?
JIM:
Walk in, take your ‘phone with you, put it on record and when they’re finished switch it off and ‘phone me.
DAVE:
I thought it was illegal to carry recording equipment into court. Can’t you get sent to prison for that?
JIM:
No. Anyway, it wouldn’t be for long. Just be careful. I’ll pay you.
DAVE:
Oh, right. Why can’t I be the one who walks down the road to see what’s happened?
JIM:
Because that’s real journalism – you have to ask the right questions. Sit in court, record everything - it’s foolproof.
DAVE:
Jim, really, this has got disaster written all over it - in permanent marker. I really don’t think I can do it. Anyway, my ‘phone’s still broken.
MATT:
I thought it was all right now?
DAVE:
And I don’t even think it has a voice recorder on it.
MATT:
Don’t sweat it, you can borrow mine. It’s new, right. It’s got everything. Gadgets, gizmos - camera, speakerphone, voice recorder.
DAVE:
(ANNOYED) Wow, thanks Matt!
Hang on a minute – is another one of your dodgy Ebay things?
MATT:
I did get it on Ebay actually.
DAVE:
I’m not using it.
MATT:
It works fine.
DAVE:
I thought you only just got it!
JIM:
Take mine if his is no good.
MATT:
Don’t worry! I road-tested it yesterday. Man, you’re a bag of tension, you are.
JIM:
What did this road test involve? Listening to all the ring tones?
MATT:
There’s some good ones actually. Here you are - listen to that! A dripping tap! Probably drive you mad though. (SHOWS DAVE THE MOBILE)
JIM:
God knows why you need a mobile ‘phone, Matt. You’re practically agoraphobic. If we nailed your mobile to the fridge you’d answer within two rings.
DAVE:
Jim, listen, Jim! I really can’t do it. I fall to pieces with things like this. I’ll be in court! Courts are pretty scary.
JIM:
You’ll be fine. You’re bound to get a story. Bad luck’s your bedfellow. How do you get it to voice record?
MATT DEMONSTRATES
JIM:
Easy. Right, you might need a bag.
DAVE:
Ah, well, I don’t have a bag.
MATT:
My bag’s just there.
DAVE:
Matt, just, will you stay out of it?
JIM:
Take my pad. (PUTS IT IN THE BAG) And have a shave before you go.
MATT:
Here you are.
MATT TAKES HIS SLIPPERS FROM THE BAG, TURNS ONE UPSIDE DOWN AND CATCHES THE RAZOR INSIDE.
DAVE:
Is that where you keep your razor?!
MATT:
Ha, I know, I can’t think of anywhere else to put it. Keeps me on my toes, though, I tell you!
JIM:
I’m surprised you’ve got any toes left.
DAVE:
I’ve already had one shave this morning.
JIM:
Do it properly this time. You’re supposed to do your whole face, not a random selection. You look like a burns victim. (CHECKS WATCH) There’s no time anyway, you’re going to be late.
JIM BUNDLES DAVE OUT OF THE FRONT DOOR.
DAVE:
Hang on a second here Jim –
JIM:
You need the money, I need the story.
DAVE:
But-
THE FRONT DOOR SLAMS. JIM RE-ENTERS, RUBBING HIS HANDS TOGETHER.
JIM:
Time for that cup of tea.
SCENE 3. COURT. EXT. DAY. (MONDAY)
DAVE DISMOUNTS FROM HIS BIKE AND ENTERS COURT.
SCENE 4. COURT. INT. DAY. (MONDAY)
DAVE ENTERS. REACTION WHEN HE SEES THE 2 SECURITY GUARDS AND AIRPORT-STYLE METAL DETECTOR ARCHWAY.
DAVE:
Hello!
SECURITY GUARD:
If you’d like to enter your pockets into the tray, sir.
DAVE GLANCES AT THE WALL, WHERE WE SEE A SIGN THAT SAYS: “NO RECORDING EQUIPMENT (INCLUDING CAMERAS AND AUDIO DEVICES) - MAXIMUM PENALTY 2 YEARS’ IMPRISONMENT”.
DAVE:
(UNDER BREATH) Bastard.
Is that bit optional? I don’t really, er… You know, I’ve got lots of bits and bobs in there - it’ll be a real hassle getting it all out.
SECURITY GUARD:
It’s the same rule for everyone, I’m afraid.
DAVE:
I’ll be back in just a sec.
DAVE EXITS.
SCENE 5. LIVING ROOM. INT. DAY. (MONDAY)
JIM IS FINISHING OFF HIS DRINK. MATT IS ON THE FLOOR, UNDER A BLANKET, PLAYING ON THE X-BOX.
MATT:
Can we have that chat now?
JIM:
No.
MATT:
Right. You’d better be off looking at that story then, hadn’t you?
JIM:
Yes. Someone’s died, I can smell it.
MATT:
You’re sick, man.
JIM:
Small furry animals are good too. Little buggers shift mountains of newspapers. Poor sods - more useful dead than alive.
MATT:
I really don’t reckon it was much of an accident, Jim.
JIM:
Well I’m going to find out. Don’t go anywhere, will you? God, it’s like the Marie Celeste in here.
JIM LEAVES.
SCENE 6. COURT. INT. DAY. (MONDAY)
DAVE ENTERS. MATT’S ‘PHONE IS VISIBLY POKING OUT OF THE TOP OF HIS SOCK.
DAVE EMPTIES HIS POCKETS AND PUTS THE BAG ON THE SIDE. HE THEN STRIDES CONFIDENTLY TOWARD THE X-RAY ARCH, BEFORE STOPPING IN FRONT OF IT. HE REALISES THAT THE PHONE WILL STILL SET OFF THE ALARM. WE SEE HIM PUZZLING WITH THIS CONUNDRUM.
SECURITY GUARD 2:
Sir, I think you have your ‘phone in your sock.
DAVE:
Do I?
SECURITY GUARD 2:
Yes. Just there.
DAVE:
Ah, yes. The, er, microwave signals, you hear so much about it – well, I’d rather my ankle was irradiated than my groin – you know, I might be needing those chappies. I probably won’t be needing my ankle for anything much.
DAVE TAKES OUT THE ‘PHONE
DAVE:
So, what happens next?
SECURITY GUARD:
Just walk through, sir.
DAVE WALKS THROUGH. THE GUARDS HAND HIM HIS ITEMS.
SECURITY GUARD 2:
Now remember to switch it off when you get into court.
DAVE:
Oh, right, I can have it, but just switched off! That’s clever.
SECURITY GUARD:
Yes.
DAVE ENTERS THE MAIN RECEPTION.
SECURITY GUARD 2:
Twat.
SCENE 7. LIVING ROOM. INT. DAY. (MONDAY)
MATT IS ALONE IN THE ROOM, UNDER A BLANKET ON THE FLOOR.
MATT:
Where’s my big bag of weed? I had it around here somewhere.
MATT SIGHS AND SWITCHES ON THE TV. IT IS ‘LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION’ WITH KIRSTY ALLSOPP. MATT RAISES HIS EYEBROWS AND SMILES.
MATT:
(SHOUTING) Jim! Jim - you there?
MATT PUTS HIS HAND UNDER THE BLANKET AND JUST AS HE STARTS TO FIDDLE WITH HIMSELF,
JIM ENTERS.
JIM:
What a waste of time. Just some kids setting fire to a bin. I was hoping for so much more. I need to ring Dave.
MATT:
Oi, knock, would you? (SWITCHES OFF TV)
JIM:
I live here. You don’t pay any rent.
MATT:
I was trying to find my happy place.
JIM:
You couldn’t have done much worse than this room, could you?
MATT:
Metaphorically.
PAUSE.
JIM:
Matt, were you wanking over Kirsty Allsopp?
MATT:
Alright. I’m a man, aren’t I? I’ve got needs.
JIM:
I’m only going to tell you this once: don’t toss yourself off when I’m in the same room.
MATT:
To tell you the truth, my heart’s just not in it. Jim, I need help. This is all causing major problems with Abi.
JIM:
What’s your telephone number? I should ring Dave before he gets into court.
MATT:
I don’t know, it’s a new number, isn’t it? Abi’s got it stored on her ‘phone though, I think.
JIM:
So what’s Abi’s number?
MATT:
I don’t know, do I? I’ve got it stored on my ‘phone.
JIM:
That’s bloody useful, isn’t it?
MATT:
No, it’s alright, I’ve got it on a bit of paper, look. Here. Hang on Jim, I need someone to talk to.
JIM:
Call the Samaritans. No, don’t - they’d only laugh.
SCENE 8. COURT TOILET. INT. DAY. (MONDAY)
DAVE IS STOOD AT A SINK IN FRONT OF A MIRROR. HE ROOTS IN THE BAG AND FINDS THE RAZOR.
DAVE:
God, Matt’s got everything in here.
DAVE TAKES OUT A CHANGE OF CLOTHES; A MOULDY SANDWICH; A GAME OF CONNECT 4. HE THEN FINDS A TRANSPARENT BAG FILLED WITH TOILETRIES.
HE FINDS THE FOAM AND PUTS THE BAG BACK. HE CONTINUES TO SHAVE.
TWO LAWYERS ENTER, DISCUSSING A CASE. THEY EYE DAVE GOOD-HUMOUREDLY, AND USE THE URINAL.
LAWYER 1:
…about a ten to one shot he would’ve got off with just a fine, but not with Judge Quentin.
LAWYER 2:
He did have four hundred and fifty marijuana plants growing in his back garden, Jack!
THE DUO MAKE TO WASH THEIR HANDS.
DAVE HAS FINISHED SHAVING. HE RINSES HIS FACE, AND, EYES SQUINTED, FISHES IN THE BAG. HE REACHES OUT A DIFFERENT TRANSPARENT PLASTIC BAG FULL OF MARIJUANA, WITH RIZLA PAPERS AND A CIGARETTE LIGHTER CLEARLY ON DISPLAY. HE PICKS UP THE CANISTER OF SHAVING FOAM, PUTS IT IN, THEN RETURNS THE BAG TO THE SATCHEL. DAVE AND THE LAWYERS ARE OBLIVIOUS TO THE CONTENTS OF THE BAG.
LAWYER 1:
(HANDING DAVE SOME PAPER TOWELS) Here.
You haven’t seen Quentin in action before, have you?
LAWYER 2:
No, I don’t think I have.
LAWYER 1:
You’re in for a treat!
THE LAWYERS LEAVE.
DAVE:
Knock ‘em dead, Dave!
SCENE 9a. COURTROOM 1. INT. DAY. (MONDAY)
DAVE SITS ON THE PRESS BENCH, NEXT TO A YOUNG FEMALE JOURNALIST (JANE). THE COURT IS NOT YET IN SESSION.
JANE:
I don’t think I’ve seen you here before. (GLANCES AT NOTEPAD) Pot noodle, pot noodle, pot noodle, pot noodle, pot noodle, vodka…?
DAVE:
It’s a poem I’m working on. It’s not really… I haven’t tried to get it published or anything.
JANE:
Oh, let’s have a look!
JANE TURNS THE PAGE TO REVEAL A BIRO DOODLE OF A LARGE HAIRY EJACULATING PENIS.
JANE
Wow. An artist as well as a wordsmith - useful skills in this trade.
DAVE:
Yeah. I’m not really a journalist. (HE TAKES OUT A BUSINESS CARD AND GIVES IT TO HER) I’m a recruitment consultant. Or I was.
JANE:
Oh, right. It’s a bit of an odd place to recruit people, isn’t it?
DAVE:
Well, erm, obviously we can’t take the guilty ones. No matter how good they are at admin - even if they can do a mail-merge. Out the door - they’ll have to look elsewhere.
DAVE FEELS SURREPTITIOUSLY FOR THE ‘PHONE. HE THEN PATS HIMSELF DOWN MORE THOROUGHLY. HE’S LOST IT.
DAVE:
Left my damn bag in the gents!
DAVE EXITS TO THE GENTS.
SCENE 9b. COURT TOILET. INT. DAY. (MONDAY)
DAVE’S BAG IS IN THE HANDS OF ONE OF THE SECURITY GUARDS. THE ‘PHONE IS INSIDE, RINGING TO THE TUNE OF THE ‘CRAZY FROG’.
SECURITY GUARD:
This yours, is it? I was about to explode it. You need to take more care with your belongings.
DAVE:
Sorry.
THE GUARD LEAVES. DAVE ANSWERS THE ‘PHONE.
JIM:
(OOV, DISTORT) Dave.
DAVE:
Hello? What are you doing, ringing me up here?!
JIM:
(OOV, DISTORT) Is the ‘phone on vibrate?
DAVE:
Well, no, it wasn’t, it was ringing out that crazy frog song. What would’ve happened if that had gone off in court?! I’d have been in the cells before you could say ‘section 39.’
JIM:
(OOV, DISTORT) Put it on vibrate then.
DAVE:
I don’t know how to put it on bloody vibrate, it’s not my ‘phone!
DAVE SEES HIS RAZOR IS STILL ON THE SIDE AND TAKES OUT THE PLASTIC BAG TO PUT IT IN. HE TAKES OUT THE BAG FULL OF MARIJUANA.
DAVE:
I’m not doing it, Jim, it’s a completely hare-brained scheme. I could sent to prison! I knew it - I’ve already crumbled under the pressure.
JIM:
(OOV, DISTORT) Just put the ‘phone on vibrate, Dave.
DAVE:
Ok, ok, well, I think I’ve got it. Ok.
DAVE PRESSES A BUTTON ON THE ‘PHONE.
DAVE:
Ring me back and I’ll test it.
DAVE LOOKS DOWN AND SEES WHAT’S IN THE PLASTIC BAG. THE ‘PHONE VIBRATES. DAVE ANSWERS.
DAVE:
Jim, this bag’s full of drugs.
JIM:
(OOV, DISTORT) What kind?
DAVE:
Does it matter?! It’s marijuana, isn’t it, it’s obviously Matt’s - cunningly hidden inside a sodding transparent bag. It’s going down the toilet, and I’m out of here. I should have known, he’s like a tramp – he keeps everything in that bloody rucksack.
JIM:
(OOV, DISTORT) Are you still covering the case?
DAVE:
I’ve got a big bag full of drugs! I’m not going to just stroll into court with it!
MATT:
(OOV, DISTORT) Put me on.
DAVE:
No, don’t put Matt on, I don’t want to talk to the bastard!
MATT:
(OOV, DISTORT) Hello.
DAVE:
Oh, for – hi, Matt…
MATT:
(OOV, DISTORT) Don’t worry, it’s not as serious as cocaine or anything.
DAVE:
I’m in a bloody court!
MATT:
(OOV, DISTORT) If they catch you, make sure you say it’s for personal use.
DAVE:
I think that’s out of the question! There’s enough wacky baccy here to space out a rhino. They’ll think I’m the cheekiest bloody drug dealer on the planet - trying to peddle garbage to all the criminals on trial! I’ll be strung up! It’s going – that’s final.
DAVE HANGS UP. HE TRIES THE DOOR OF THE CUBICLE AND FINDS IT OCCUPIED.
DAVE:
Shit.
PANICKING, HE LEAVES.
SCENE 10. LIVING ROOM. INT. DAY. (MONDAY)
MATT HAS JUST HUNG UP.
MATT:
The good news is I think he’s got the ‘phone on vibrate.
JIM:
I should go and get him.
MATT:
Forget it, man. If they find anything on him, you don’t want to be fingered as well, do you?
JIM:
No. Got the day off then.
MATT:
Besides, we need to find my ex and get her to stop. I thought you’d be kind of like a detective, being a reporter – you know, hunting down crime and stopping bad guys.
JIM:
I think you’re confusing me with Superman.
MATT:
I think she’s around here, Jim. She’s come to get me. Maybe she started that fire.
JIM:
Are you stoned?
MATT:
It makes perfect sense. When I go to get down to it, I have this burning feeling – and then it’s game over from there. You know, fire, burning.
JIM:
Yes. I understand the link, Matt, but you’re talking bollocks. Go to the doctor’s.
MATT:
I’m clean, I did one of those STD kits at Boots.
JIM:
Maybe it’s an allergy. Latex?
MATT:
I don’t know. But the burning would be all over, and it’s her outfit, anyway, not mine.
JIM:
I meant johnnies. Condoms.
MATT:
I don’t wear ‘em. Don’t believe in ‘em, to tell the truth.
JIM GOES THROUGH TO THE KITCHEN.
JIM:
Yes. Christ, the tooth fairy, and condoms.
MATT:
They only work for a couple of goes.
JIM COMES BACK, HOLDING A BOTTLE OF TABASCO
That’s a joke, Jim. Hey, what’s that for? What are you going to do with that?
JIM:
Just making sure it wasn’t in Abi’s room. Would have explained a lot.
MATT:
I’ve heard of spicing up your sex life, Jim, but I’m not that stupid. I can’t explain it. What can I say?
JIM:
Don’t say anything.
MATT:
What gets me is that it only burns – well, you know, when I want to try the back-door. But before I’ve even done anything! I’m all geared up, and it’s game over before I’ve started. It’s like my own conscience for trying to force it on her.
JIM:
Thanks for that.
SCENE 11a. COURT FOYER. INT. DAY. (MONDAY)
DAVE HEADS TOWARDS THE ENTRANCE, BUT CANNOT GO THROUGH WITH LEAVING COURT AFTER HE SEES THE GUARDS. ONE OF THE GUARDS BEGINS TO APPROACH, AND DAVE DUCKS BACK INTO THE COURTROOM.
SCENE 11b. COURT 1. INT. DAY. (MONDAY)
DAVE FINDS HIS SEAT TAKEN, AND SQUASHES BETWEEN JANE AND AN ELDERLY MALE REPORTER.
THE JURY ARE FILING IN OPPOSITE, WHILE DAVE FIDDLES WITH THE MOBILE TO GET IT TO RECORD. THE MALE REPORTER SHOOTS HIM A LOOK. DAVE SLIPS THE ‘PHONE CAREFULLY INTO HIS TROUSER POCKET.
DAVE:
Modern technology. Ha! Just switching the darned thing off. I don’t know, who needs it? Toasters are too technical for me. I’d rather use the grill. You can keep an eye on your toast that way. Ah, you’re probably one of those granddads that’s into it all, aren’t you? I bet you’ve got one of those Sat Navs too. Your car’s probably done out like the Batmobile, eh?
HACK:
No. It’s just a normal Fiesta. (PUTS FINGER ACROSS MOUTH)
DAVE:
Right. Right.
DAVE FISHES IN THE BAG GUARDEDLY. HE BRINGS OUT SOME PAPER AND A TIN.
DAVE:
Pencil-case.
DAVE OPENS THE TIN. WE SEE PILLS INSIDE, SOME MORE MARIJUANA, AND SOME ROLLING PAPERS. DAVE CLOSES THE TIN HASTILY, BUT NOT BEFORE JANE HAS SEEN ALL.
DAVE:
Stash-box.
JANE SILENTLY PASSES DAVE A PENCIL. THE JURY ARE BEING SWORN IN. OVER THIS,
THE ‘PHONE STARTS TO BUZZ. DAVE FREEZES. THE TWO REPORTERS ON EITHER SIDE STARE AT DAVE. THE BUZZING STOPS MOMENTARILY.
WHEN IT STARTS AGAIN, DAVE PRETENDS HE IS WATCHING A FLY BUZZING AROUND THE ROOM. THE BUZZING STOPS AGAIN AND DAVE’S EYE AND HEAD MOVEMENT INDICATES THE ‘FLY’ HAS PLUMMETED.
DESPERATE THAT HIS PATHETIC COVER NOT BE BLOWN, DAVE JABS AT HIS JEANS TO ‘SWAT’ THE ‘FLY’ AND TRIES TO SWITCH THE ‘PHONE OFF.
PAUSE. DAVE THINKS HE HAS SUCCEEDED. THEN, WE HEAR ABI’S VOICE, ON SPEAKERPHONE.
ABI:
(DISTORT, V/O) Hi, Matt. It’s me, Abi. Hello? I know you’re there. Fine, I was just going to tell you what’s been causing your ‘impotence’.
THE WHOLE COURTROOM SITS UP AND TAKES NOTICE.
So you don’t care, then? It was kind of a joke, but… I filled the lube bottle full of Deep Heat. Matt? Ah, Mattie-Wattie, are you mad at me? Well maybe now you’ll stop waking me up at four in the morning expecting me to give you arse-loving. I’m telling you, Matt, Bourneville Boulevard is a one-way street. See you later.
PAUSE. MURMERINGS.
JUDGE:
Whose mobile ‘phone was that? Come on, step forward, you despicable little troll. Stop wasting my time and identify yourself.
JANE:
I think it’s him, your honour. (POINTS OUT DAVE)
DAVE:
(TAKING OUT ‘PHONE) It’s not my ‘phone! I don’t – I’ve never even wanted to!
JUDGE:
Are you aware that you are in contempt of court?
DAVE:
This is bloody typical, this is.
JUDGE:
I’ve had quite my fill of people coming in here, and disrespecting the justice system. You’ve wasted enough of this court’s time. You can spend a night in the cells to reflect on your behaviour. No bail. I’m also fining you fifty pounds, which you must pay within one week. Take him down.
DAVE IS LED FROM THE COURT ROOM. THE REPORTERS ARE SCRIBBLING FRANTICALLY. JANE LOOKS AT DAVE’S BUSINESS CARD.
DAVE:
Wow, I got a speech and everything. Hang on a minute, am I going to prison?
JUDGE:
Shall we continue?
SCENE 12. LIVING ROOM. INT. DAY. (MONDAY)
IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING SCENE 10.
MATT:
I know you’re trying to help, but I still think it could be my ex. The fact is, I can’t find the dildo. And she was always saying how she was a witch - you know, into all that spells and stuff - so I reckon I should try a counter-curse. It’s got to be worth a try.
JIM:
You know how to do that, do you?
MATT:
I was thinking maybe I’d Google it. How do you get into witchcraft? Old books, isn’t it? I’ve never, ever seen one of those big creepy books like off the telly. I reckon it’s a load of nonsense.
JIM:
Really. My advice comes in two parts: Firstly, stop banging on about it, and secondly, wear a condom.
MATT:
I don’t have any.
JIM:
Dave’s got loads. In his bedside table.
MATT:
All right. Why?
JIM:
In case he ever meets a girl.
MATT:
No, why do I have to wear it?
JIM:
If you are allergic to anything, it won’t touch your skin. I wonder if Dave’s got a story.
MATT:
I doubt it. He was crapping himself when he talked to me.
JIM:
He’s not back though, is he?
MATT:
He’d better still have my drugs. He said he was going to flush ‘em! What a waste. That guy really doesn’t know how to behave, does he?
SCENE 13. POLICE STATION. INT. DAY. (MONDAY)
DAVE IS BEING LED INTO THE POLICE STATION BY TWO POLICE OFFICERS.
PC SILK:
You have been a naughty boy, haven’t you? You shouldn’t have been taking your ‘phone into court.
PC LACE:
Judge Quentin sent someone down for that last year too.
PC SILK:
And they didn’t even mention anal sex.
THE POLICEMAN LAUGH.
DAVE:
Ah yes, very funny, I don’t, err – I mean, I know it’s supposed to be binding and everything, but do I have to spend the night in the cells?
PC LACE:
Law’s the law, sir.
PC SILK:
But it sounds to me like you were already having problems with the fuzz.
PC LACE:
Yeah, was the heat getting too much?
THE POLICEMEN LAUGH AGAIN.
DAVE:
That wasn’t me! It’s not my ‘phone!
PC SILK:
Nicked it, did you?
DAVE:
I borrowed it, it’s not mine, why does nobody believe me!? I’m totally normal. I haven’t even had sex for a year, yet alone any – anyway, come on, let’s just get this over with.
PC LACE:
Right then, let’s have a look in the bag.
PC SILK STARTS PATTING DAVE DOWN AND HANDS PC LACE MATT’S BAG
DAVE:
Ok.
REACTION FROM DAVE AS HE REMEMBERS THE MARIJUANA’S IN THERE.
SCENE 14. LIVING ROOM. INT. DAY. (MONDAY)
MATT IS WAVING THE LAPTOP AROUND. JIM IS ON THE HOUSE ‘PHONE.
JIM:
Slow news day. I’ll file what I have. Not much. Ok, I’ll get it in first thing. (HANGS UP) Easy. I’ll just make up a couple of crap stories. They won’t even use them.
MATT:
That bastard next door keeps fiddling with his internet connection.
JIM:
What are you doing? Cup of tea? No, wait, it’s late enough for whisky.
MATT:
Ooh, I’ll have one.
JIM ENTERS KITCHEN AREA
JIM:
I offered you tea, you’re not drinking my whisky.
MATT:
Maybe I’ll have a tea then.
JIM:
Get your own.
MATT:
You offered to make me one!
JIM:
I’m not going out of my way to do it. (RE-ENTERS, HOLDING EMPTY BOTTLE) Who drank my bloody whisky? Vultures.
MATT:
No, I don’t think that’s very likely. Oh, I remember, it was me. I don’t even really like whisky either. Here we are, something’s come up.
JIM:
More than your knob can manage.
MATT:
Don’t be so bitter, I’ll buy you another bottle.
JIM:
This whisky was 12 year-old, barrel-aged, Islay single malt. We’re not talking about bloody Jack Daniels here.
MATT:
It gets you drunk, who cares? Right. My options are: make some sort of sacrifice-
JIM:
Make a sacrifice?
MATT:
I thought it might be, like, giving up sugar in your tea for a while but they mean kill a cat or something.
JIM:
Perfect, we’ll do next-door’s. It’ll stop shitting on our wall, your penis will come back to life and I’ll get a story.
MATT:
Yeah, kill two birds in one day.
JIM:
Yes.
MATT:
Do cats shit on walls Jim?
JIM:
I’m not entering into this, Matt.
MATT:
I reckon someone’s putting them there. Ah, look – or, I burn a lock of her hair.
JIM:
What?
MATT:
My ex-girlfriend. It breaks the spell, apparently.
JIM:
I’m going for a walk. I don’t want to see any pentagrams on the wall when I get back.
SCENE 15. POLICE STATION. INT. DAY. (MONDAY)
IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING SCENE 13.
DAVE:
No, wait! I feel sick. Where’s the toilet?
PC SILK:
Just you hang on there-
DAVE GRABS HIS BAG AND DIVES INTO THE TOILET. HE ROOTS THROUGH THE BAG.
DAVE:
Shit, bollocks -
DAVE FINDS THE BAG OF MARIJUANA AND TRIES TO FLUSH IT AWAY. HE SPRAYS THE BUDS EVERYWHERE.
Oh, for-
PC LACE:
Come on, can you come out please?
DAVE:
I need a vacuum cleaner.
DAVE FRANTICALLY SCOOPS UP THE MARIJUANA AND GETS IT ALL IN THE TOILET. HE FLUSHES. WE SEE, OUTSIDE, PC LACE BYPASSING THE LOCK WITH A COIN. THE DOOR STARTS TO OPEN. DAVE REMEMBERS THE STASH TIN. HE PLACES IT IN THE CISTERN, JUST IN TIME.
PC SILK:
Oi you, this isn’t a bloody hotel. Come on.
DAVE:
I’m sorry, I just feel really sick. It came over me like a wave. I suppose it’s the thought of being in prison.
PC SILK TAKES THE BAG AND LEADS DAVE OUT. PC LACE SPOTS SOMETHING IN THE DOOR JAMB: A MARIJUANA BUD. HE LOOKS AROUND AND POCKETS IT.
PC LACE:
What have we got here then? Connect four, hmm. Die Hard trilogy. Good choice. I haven’t seen the new one. I don’t think there are any weapons in here, you’re all right.
DAVE:
No, check it over, go through it, do your job.
PC SILK:
Yeah, there’s another compartment there.
DAVE:
Is there? Hmm. Well, check away! No weapons in there. Definitely no drugs. There might be a knife, or something, I can’t remember.
PC LACE:
You’re fine, there’s… hang on, I can feel something hard.
PC LACE DRAWS OUT MATT’S COPYCOCK. IT REALLY IS QUITE A FINE EXHIBIT, IF A LITTLE ODDLY SHAPED.
Good grief.
HE READS THE BASE.
‘CopyCock – a perfect replica of your lover’s loverman. Now you can take him anywhere. Three speeds.’
THE OFFICERS LOOK FROM THE DILDO TO DAVE’S GROIN WITH DISGUST.
Now I’m feeling sick.
DAVE:
No! No, no, don’t be silly, it’s not a copy of- it’s not mine.
PC LACE THROWS THE DILDO DOWN IN DISGUST.
PC LACE:
You haven’t been using it, have you?
DAVE:
I haven’t even seen it before!
PC SILK:
You sick bastard!
PC LACE:
All that time in the toilet. I knew there was something wrong with you.
DAVE:
Look, I’m not gay, and I don’t carry my lover’s dildo around with me. I know it looks pretty bad. Anyway, even if I did, there’s nothing wrong with it.
PC LACE:
‘Nothing wrong with it’? What planet are you on? So you’re admitting it? My God, I’m glad you’ll be locked up tonight.
DAVE:
You know, I – I don’t even see why I should be apologising for this.
THE MOBILE PHONE BUZZES.
PC SILK:
Go on, you’d better answer that. Tell your friend where you are.
DAVE:
It’s Abi. Hello?
ABI:
(OOV, DISTORT) Matt?
DAVE:
(SWITCHING OFF SPEAKERPHONE) No, this isn’t Matt. And it wasn’t Matt you were talking to when you rang earlier and poured your heart out. In fact you were talking to a whole courtroom.
ABI:
(OOV, DISTORT) Really? Wow, cool! Thank God. What was I doing? For some, like, weird reason I thought I should come clean.
DAVE:
Which is what you want him to do, in a manner of speaking.
ABI:
(OOV, DISTORT) Look, you tell Matt what I said and I’ll get you, ok? I mean, seriously. You will regret it.
DAVE:
My lips are sealed.
ABI:
(OOV, DISTORT) Ok. In a while, crocodile.
DAVE:
Hang on-
THE LINE GOES DEAD.
PC SILK:
I’ll take that.
DAVE:
Well, just a minute, I need to tell someone where I am, and that’s got all the numbers in it – ah no, I know my home number. Do you have a telephone here?
PC SILK:
Of course we do. But you’ve already had your one call.
DAVE:
She rang me!
PC LACE:
It still counts.
DAVE:
I can’t believe this, this is nonsense!
DAVE IS LED TO THE CELLS.
I don’t even have a toothbrush!
SCENE 16. LIVING ROOM. INT. NIGHT. (MONDAY)
MATT AND ABI ARE FINISHING BOWLS OF CHILLI.
MATT:
It’s alright, this chilli.
ABI:
Tesco’s finest. Nice and hot.
MATT:
Dave had better bring my stuff back.
JIM ENTERS, CARRYING AN EVENING NEWSPAPER, AND TAKES OFF HIS COAT.
JIM:
Good evening.
JIM SITS AND BEGINS READING THE PAPER.
MATT:
Ah, sorry Jim, there was some left but we threw it away.
JIM:
That’s fine. I don’t want to eat anything you’ve touched.
MATT:
Did he try ringing you, Abi?
ABI:
Who - Dave? Why would he ring me? I haven’t talked to him. If anyone wants me, I’ll be in my room.
ABI LEAVES.
MATT:
Lucky bastard. I bet he’s out there somewhere, lights off, having the time of his life. It’s making me horny now. Right, I think I might pay Abi a little visit. ‘Night Jim.
JIM:
Mm, don’t have nightmares. Ha! Spelling mistake in that headline. “Courtroom crime goes down in annals of history.” There are two “n”s in annals.
REACTION FROM JIM AS HE LOOKS CLOSER, PRESUMABLY SEEING THE STORY IS ABOUT DAVE.
SCENE 17. ABI’S ROOM. INT. NIGHT. (MONDAY)
END CREDITS CRAWLER.
BLACKOUT.
ABI:
Oh, I am so not in the mood!
MATT:
Do you think I could try – you know?
ABI:
Yeah – why not?! Here’s the lube.
PAUSE.
What’s taking you so long? I can’t wait forever, ‘honey’.
MATT:
Jim said I should try wearing a condom - they’re a right bugger to put on. Excuse the pun!
ABI:
Ah. Oh - no! Don’t-!
MATT:
There we are, that’s just right.
MIX TO – END CREDITS CARD.
ENDS.
As anyone who cares to read it will see, I've made a few minor alterations but the main thing is I've switched some scenes around for immediacy, impact and ease of "getting to know" the characters.
'Phone . . . I ask you! 
Actually it started off nicely - two definable characters and a neat inviting dynamic. Maybe it's an obvious one at that, but I was happy to keep reading on the strength of the opening exchanges.
Some nice jokes there too.
Then some more people appeared and I got confused, things got blurred again.
I'd really be looking to pair characters off to set out their personalities and let them breathe. It's just too cramped having them all set out their stalls in one area.
I think the plot a is a bit linear too. Stuff just happens in a nice line.
Quote: Seefacts @ February 3, 2008, 3:21 PM'Phone . . . I ask you!
Actually it started off nicely - two definable characters and a neat inviting dynamic. Maybe it's an obvious one at that, but I was happy to keep reading on the strength of the opening exchanges.
Some nice jokes there too.
Then some more people appeared and I got confused, things got blurred again.
I'd really be looking to pair characters off to set out their personalities and let them breathe. It's just too cramped having them all set out their stalls in one area.
I think the plot a is a bit linear too. Stuff just happens in a nice line.
Haven't read it yet, but in my random sitcom scene I posted, it was described as to blurry and all the characters sounded the same. I instantly eliminated two and then reposted and got great reviews on my dialogue. So I hope it's worked for you too. I shall read later and see if it does work.
Hmm interesting story, and story, but I have to be honest I couldn't see the jokes.
In the last course I did on sit com the joke ratio suggested was one in 30 seconds, e.g. every half a page, and they need to stand out. Witty banter is good but in a sitcom doesn't always hold.
n.b. 3 flatmates one of whoms a slacker, doesn't scream originality, does something fun happen at court?
Quote: sootyj @ February 3, 2008, 5:21 PMHmm interesting story, and story, but I have to be honest I couldn't see the jokes.
In the last course I did on sit com the joke ratio suggested was one in 30 seconds, e.g. every half a page, and they need to stand out. Witty banter is good but in a sitcom doesn't always hold.
n.b. 3 flatmates one of whoms a slacker, doesn't scream originality, does something fun happen at court?
Wasn't going to post but can't resist grabbing post 100. I mean.
I don't think laughs always equal "jokes". For me, the quotient of laughs is more than filled. Compare with the scripts for 'Extras' - full of tired tropes/similes/turns of phrase and often apparently devoid of jokes. It works though.
I think I may need to have a lot of friends in high places to ever make this, but that is something I am prepared to work towards!
Havig said that I'm going to try and keep sowing the script's tilled and fertile lexical field with the seeds of more jokes...
The slacker, just like the flat, has been done before - and there's a reason for it; it's true and it works.
And court is fun IMO but my opinion is not shared by a lot of people on the forum it seems .
Quote: James Williams @ February 3, 2008, 5:49 PMThe slacker, just like the flat, has been done before - and there's a reason for it; it's true and it works.
It's been done and it's being done, Not Going Out? And it got the commission down to 5 words: Tim Vine And Lee Mack.
I personally think you should take this script as an exercise, much like my own which is three guys sharing a... wait for it... a house!
Not saying you shouldn't try but you're kind of fighting the tide with this script a bit...
Have now found the rest of the script?
Structurally it's pretty good, with nicely built up jokes, and pacing (the continual finding of worse and worse stuff in the bag especially)
And it does have some pretty good jokes, the copy cock one stands out. The running jokes are good, and it's rare to see them done well.
How ever you are pushing the watershed button pretty hard, and limiting the slots it could play from the get go. I mean dildo, and anal humor is gonna' push you after 22.00
Also there's a lot of to and fro banter, that can be pretty tiring to read, every one seems to be a comic character, and every one seems to be agitated most of the time.
A couple of more "straight" characters to have stuff bounced off might help.
n.b. also format could be better, e.g. don't write scenes for sitcoms, jsut fond this out myself!
And a flatshare sitcom with a person has embarrassing thing in friends bag, is already widely down, you do need an unexpected twist some where, to break the format.
Quote: sootyj @ February 3, 2008, 7:43 PMn.b. also format could be better, e.g. don't write scenes for sitcoms, jsut fond this out myself!
Not strictly true, as I was asked to include scene 1, scene 2 , etc headings at the start of each scene by one particular company; though I never had done before. So really it depends on whos reading.
Quote: Matthew Stott @ February 3, 2008, 7:48 PMNot strictly true, as I was asked to include scene 1, scene 2 , etc headings at the start of each scene by one particular company; though I never had done before. So really it depends on whos reading.
I'd always put SCENE 1 or whatever, it looks better.
You won't get shot for doing it, so just do it.