Quote: garyd @ January 29, 2008, 5:47 PMIMHO it appears to be more a comedy-drama rather than a sit-com though missing out on the comedy at the mo.
Does it really matter what you call it, as long as it's good quality scripting, good quality acting and is fun/enjoyable/entertaining to watch?
Well, I am beginning to think I'm flogging a dead horse here, but here's the next bit:
SCENE 8. COURTROOM 1. INT. DAY. (MONDAY)
DAVE IS SAT IN COURT ON THE PRESS BENCH, NEXT TO A YOUNG FEMALE JOURNALIST (JANE). THE COURT IS NOT YET IN SESSION.
JANE:
I don’t think I’ve seen you here before.
DAVE:
No, I’m not really a journalist. (HE TAKES OUT A BUSINESS CARD AND GIVES IT TO HER) I’m a recruitment consultant.
JANE:
Oh, right. It’s a bit of an odd place to recruit people, isn’t it?
DAVE:
Well, erm, obviously we can’t take the guilty ones. No matter how good they are at admin - even if they can do a mail-merge. Out the door - they’ll have to look elsewhere.
DAVE FEELS SURREPTITIOUSLY FOR THE ‘PHONE. HE THEN PATS HIMSELF DOWN MORE THOROUGHLY. HE’S LOST IT.
DAVE:
Left my damn bag in the gents!
DAVE EXITS TO THE GENTS.
SCENE 8b. COURT TOILET. INT. DAY. (MONDAY)
DAVE’S BAG IS IN THE HANDS OF ONE OF THE SECURITY GUARDS. THE ‘PHONE IS INSIDE, RINGING TO THE TUNE OF THE ‘CRAZY FROG’.
SECURITY GUARD:
This yours, is it? I was about to explode it. You need to take more care with your belongings.
DAVE:
Sorry.
THE GUARD LEAVES. DAVE ANSWERS THE ‘PHONE.
JIM:
(OOV, DISTORT) Dave.
DAVE:
Hello? What are you doing, ringing me up here?!
JIM:
(OOV, DISTORT) Is the ‘phone on vibrate?
DAVE:
Well, no, it wasn’t, it was ringing out that crazy frog song. What would’ve happened if that had gone off in court?! I’d have been in the cells before you could say ‘section 39.’
JIM:
(OOV, DISTORT) Put it on vibrate then.
DAVE:
I don’t know how to put it on bloody vibrate, it’s not my ‘phone!
DAVE SEES HIS RAZOR IS STILL ON THE SIDE AND TAKES OUT THE PLASTIC BAG TO PUT IT IN. HE TAKES OUT THE BAG FULL OF MARIJUANA.
DAVE:
I’m not doing it, Jim, it’s a completely hare-brained scheme. I could sent to prison! I knew it - I’ve already crumbled under the pressure.
JIM:
(OOV, DISTORT) Just put the ‘phone on vibrate, Dave.
DAVE:
Ok, ok, well, I think I’ve got it. Ok.
DAVE PRESSES A BUTTON ON THE ‘PHONE.
DAVE:
Well ring me back and I’ll test it.
DAVE LOOKS DOWN AND SEES WHAT’S IN THE PLASTIC BAG. THE ‘PHONE VIBRATES. DAVE ANSWERS.
DAVE:
Jim, this bag’s full of drugs.
JIM:
(OOV, DISTORT) What kind?
DAVE:
Does it matter?! It’s marijuana, isn’t it, it’s obviously Matt’s - cunningly hidden inside a sodding transparent bag. It’s going down the toilet, and I’m out of here. I should have known, he’s like a tramp – he keeps everything in that bloody rucksack.
JIM:
(OOV, DISTORT) Are you still covering the case?
DAVE:
I’ve got a big bag full of drugs! I’m not going to just stroll into court with it!
MATT:
(OOV, DISTORT) Put me on.
DAVE:
No, don’t put Matt on, I don’t want to talk to the bastard!
MATT:
(OOV, DISTORT) Hello.
DAVE:
Oh, for – hi, Matt…
MATT:
(OOV, DISTORT) Don’t worry, it’s not as serious as cocaine or anything.
DAVE:
I’m in a bloody court!
MATT:
(OOV, DISTORT) If they catch you, make sure you say it’s for personal use.
DAVE:
I think that’s out of the question! There’s enough wacky baccy here to space out a rhino. They’ll think I’m the cheekiest bloody drug dealer on the planet - trying to peddle garbage to all the criminals on trial! I’ll be strung up! It’s going – that’s final.
DAVE HANGS UP. HE TRIES THE DOOR OF THE CUBICLE AND FINDS IT OCCUPIED.
DAVE:
Shit.
PANICKING, HE LEAVES.
SCENE 9. LIVING ROOM. INT. DAY. (MONDAY)
MATT HAS JUST HUNG UP.
MATT:
The good news is I think he’s got the ‘phone on vibrate.
JIM:
I should go and get him.
MATT:
Forget it, man. If they find anything on him, you don’t want to be fingered as well, do you?
JIM:
No. Got the day off then.
MATT:
Besides, we need to find my ex and get her to stop. I thought you’d be kind of like a detective, being a reporter.
JIM:
This isn’t ‘Superman’.
MATT:
I think she’s around here, Jim. She’s come to get me. Maybe she started that fire.
JIM:
Are you stoned?
MATT:
It makes perfect sense. When I go to get down to it, I have this burning feeling – and then it’s game over from there. You know, fire, burning.
JIM:
Yes. I understand the link, Matt, but you’re talking bollocks. Go to the doctor’s.
MATT:
I’m clean, I did one of those STD kits at Boots.
JIM:
Maybe it’s an allergy. Latex?
MATT:
I don’t know. But the burning would be all over, and it’s her outfit, anyway, not mine.
JIM:
I meant johnnies. Condoms.
MATT:
I don’t wear ‘em. Don’t believe in ‘em, to tell the truth.
JIM GOES THROUGH TO THE KITCHEN.
JIM:
Yes. Christ, the tooth fairy, and condoms.
MATT:
They only work for a couple of goes.
JIM COMES BACK, HOLDING A BOTTLE OF TABASCO
That’s a joke, Jim. Hey, what’s that for? What are you going to do with that?
JIM:
Just making sure it wasn’t in Abi’s room. Would have explained a lot.
MATT:
I’ve heard of spicing up your sex life, Jim, but I’m not that stupid. I can’t explain it. What can I say?
JIM:
Maybe it will just remain an unsolved mystery.
MATT:
Maybe, like why is it whenever someone’s telling you something down the ‘phone the only pen you can find is a highlighter. What gets me is that it only burns – well, you know, when I want to try the back-door. But before I’ve even done anything! I’m all geared up, and it’s game over before I’ve started. It’s like my own conscience for trying to force it on her.
JIM:
Thanks for that.
SCENE 10a. COURT FOYER. INT. DAY. (MONDAY)
DAVE HEADS TOWARDS THE ENTRANCE, BUT CANNOT GO THROUGH WITH LEAVING COURT AFTER HE SEES THE GUARDS. ONE OF THE GUARDS BEGINS TO APPROACH, AND DAVE DUCKS BACK INTO THE COURTROOM.
SCENE 10b. COURT 1. INT. DAY. (MONDAY)
DAVE FINDS HIS SEAT TAKEN, AND SQUASHES BETWEEN JANE AND AN ELDERLY MALE REPORTER.
THE JURY ARE FILING IN OPPOSITE, WHILE DAVE FIDDLES WITH THE MOBILE TO GET IT TO RECORD. THE MALE REPORTER SHOOTS HIM A LOOK. DAVE SLIPS THE ‘PHONE CAREFULLY INTO HIS TROUSER POCKET.
DAVE:
Modern technology. Ha! Just switching the darned thing off. I don’t know, who needs it? Toasters are too technical for me. I’d rather use the grill. You can keep an eye on your toast that way. Ah, you’re probably one of those granddads that’s into it all, aren’t you? I bet you’ve got one of those Sat Navs too. Your car’s probably done out like the Batmobile, eh?
HACK:
No. It’s just a normal Fiesta. (PUTS FINGER ACROSS MOUTH)
DAVE:
Right. Right.
DAVE FISHES IN THE BAG GUARDEDLY. HE BRINGS OUT SOME PAPER AND A TIN.
DAVE:
Pencil-case.
DAVE OPENS THE TIN. WE SEE PILLS INSIDE, SOME MORE MARIJUANA, AND SOME ROLLING PAPERS. DAVE CLOSES THE TIN HASTILY, BUT NOT BEFORE JANE HAS SEEN ALL.
DAVE:
Stash-box.
JANE SILENTLY PASSES DAVE A PENCIL. THE JURY ARE BEING SWORN IN.
JUROR 1:
I swear by almighty God that I will faithfully try the defendant and give a true verdict according to the evidence.
JUROR 2:
I swear by almighty God that I will faithfully try the defendant and give a true verdict according to the evidence.
THE ‘PHONE STARTS TO BUZZ. DAVE FREEZES. THE TWO REPORTERS ON EITHER SIDE STARE AT DAVE. THE BUZZING STOPS. WHEN IT STARTS AGAIN, DAVE PRETENDS HE IS WATCHING A FLY BUZZING AROUND THE ROOM. WHEN THE BUZZING STOPS AGAIN, DAVE’S EYE AND HEAD MOVEMENT INDICATES THE ‘FLY’ HAS PLUMMETED, DEAD. DESPERATE THAT HIS PATHETIC COVER NOT BE BLOWN, HE JABS AT HIS JEANS TO ‘SWAT’ THE ‘FLY’ AND ATTEMPTS TO SWITCH THE ‘PHONE OFF. PAUSE. DAVE THINKS HE HAS SUCCEEDED. THEN, WE HEAR ABI’S VOICE, ON SPEAKERPHONE.
ABI:
(DISTORT, V/O) Hi, Matt. It’s me, Abi. Hello? I know you’re there. Fine, I was just going to tell you what’s been causing your ‘impotence’.
THE WHOLE COURTROOM SITS UP AND TAKES NOTICE.
So you don’t care, then? It was kind of a joke, but… I filled the lube bottle full of Deep Heat. Matt? Ah, Mattie-Wattie, are you mad at me? Well maybe now you’ll stop waking me up at four in the morning expecting me to give you arse-loving. I’m telling you, Matt, Bourneville Boulevard is a one-way street. See you later.
JUDGE:
‘Bourneville Boulevard’?
THE COURT CLERK WHISPERS IN THE JUDGE’S EAR. THE JUDGE RAISES HIS EYEBROWS AND WAVES THE CLERK AWAY.
Whose mobile ‘phone was that? Come on, identify yourself, you despicable little troll. Stop wasting my time and come forward.
JANE:
I think it’s him, your honour. (POINTS OUT DAVE)
DAVE:
(TAKING OUT ‘PHONE) It’s not my ‘phone! I don’t – I’ve never even wanted to!
JUDGE:
Are you aware that you are in contempt of court?
DAVE:
This is bloody typical, this is.
JUDGE:
I’ve had quite my fill of people coming in here, and disrespecting the justice system. You’ve wasted enough of this court’s time. You can spend a night in the cells to reflect on your behaviour. No bail. I’m also fining you fifty pounds, which you must pay within one week. Take him down.
DAVE IS LED FROM THE COURT ROOM. THE REPORTERS ARE SCRIBBLING FRANTICALLY. JANE LOOKS AT DAVE’S BUSINESS CARD.
DAVE:
Wow, I got a speech and everything. Hang on a minute, am I going to prison?
JUDGE:
Shall we continue?
Great use of farce; the louds-speaker bit made me chuckle.
I don't know if it gets a bit too farcical for the rest of the script though?
It gets worse!
You know what wether it is a sitcom or a comedy drama or a drama with some comedy in it,the main thing is, it is yours. The fact is it has something. Of course it will need tuning. Leave it for a week & then come back to it. You will change things constantly right up until you go "Wow. I am a f**king genius".
You have had some goid advice given James so take it on board but ultimatley it is your baby.
Hi James,
What I find is that some of it is a bit contrived and not apparently natural.
Aid and I have a similar problem I believe. We know full well that it's very difficult to make it seem like it's the spoken word rather than words said from a sheet of paper. Has to be otherwise we would all be writing for the Beeb!
Also, and this is the crux for me, it isn't funny enough!
Yes some of the scenes are mildly amusing owing to the recognition of what you're describing but not actually laughing funny.
And your characterisation needs looking at. For example, Dave is a recruitment consultant therefore he would have a confidence about him that I feel isn't shown in this piece and he certainly wouldn't be so manipulable.
Having said all that I really do appreciate the hard work that has gone into this and as Charley advises you should be proud that it is yours and I'm sure you have the wherewithall to improve it to the required standard.
Keep on with it, you appear to have the ideas, which is hard enough in this game!
All the best.
Quote: James Williams @ January 29, 2008, 4:54 PMI have to say, I don't really think this is fair crit! What jokes seem 'forced'? In what way are the characters not distinct?
James, much as I like some of you stuff on here (your radio sitcom at sea made me laugh a fair few times in a short space, and your youtube teleworking sketch was excellent) this paragraph of yours sums up why I haven't offered up too many opinions on your work to date.
Fact is, it *is* fair crit, offered for free, by someone you probably don't know, and it's their honest opinion. You can't expect them to dissect it line-by-line to say which bits were this or that. What you do with crit like this is up to you - you might take on board all the comments, some, or none - but it's offered for free and (usually) quite genuinely. Though I can't vouch for all posters!
If you mean it's crit you don't agree with, that's another thing, but if you want everyone to agree with you then what's the point in posting? You do tend to come back and try to justify yourself a lot, and that kind of thing puts me off.
BTW, I think setting things in a flat is fine. Steptoe and Son's a flatshare sitcom, and that's getting praised to high heaven on another thread at the moment. I also like the simple double meaning of the title "Flat".
And you are definitely one of the best writers on here, from my perspective. So keep going and good luck.
James,
Even the best of comedies need tweaking. You look at Taxi and after one season they lost a character who didn't work, and included a visiting character who did. Cheers didn't have a bar room bore until John Ratzenburger came up with the idea. You take Cliff away from Norm and the show loses a lot of its dialogue.
In the sitcom I'm writing at the moment, I dropped a character and did a complete makeover on another one, and feel it's got so much more bite to it now. Could the characteristics of one of the men be given to the other two to make them stronger?
Quote: Badge @ January 29, 2008, 11:50 PMJames, much as I like some of you stuff on here (your radio sitcom at sea made me laugh a fair few times in a short space, and your youtube teleworking sketch was excellent) this paragraph of yours sums up why I haven't offered up too many opinions on your work to date.
Fact is, it *is* fair crit, offered for free, by someone you probably don't know, and it's their honest opinion. You can't expect them to dissect it line-by-line to say which bits were this or that. What you do with crit like this is up to you - you might take on board all the comments, some, or none - but it's offered for free and (usually) quite genuinely. Though I can't vouch for all posters!
If you mean it's crit you don't agree with, that's another thing, but if you want everyone to agree with you then what's the point in posting? You do tend to come back and try to justify yourself a lot, and that kind of thing puts me off.
BTW, I think setting things in a flat is fine. Steptoe and Son's a flatshare sitcom, and that's getting praised to high heaven on another thread at the moment. I also like the simple double meaning of the title "Flat".
And you are definitely one of the best writers on here, from my perspective. So keep going and good luck.
I don't see that any statement that isn't backed up with one or more examples is fair crit really. We all do it, but I just wanted to know why the statements were made. As far I can see, the characterisation is spot on, so I wanted to know how people thought they were similar - that's all. If I'm not told what's wrong I can't fix it - otherwise it's just an irresolvable difference of opinion. A lot of the crit has been of the "I just don't like it" ilk, which is a bit harsh really. Obviously I want to make my stuff better. Sorry for sounding the undoubtable arse that I do.
Quote: garyd @ January 29, 2008, 10:49 PMHi James,
What I find is that some of it is a bit contrived and not apparently natural.
Aid and I have a similar problem I believe. We know full well that it's very difficult to make it seem like it's the spoken word rather than words said from a sheet of paper. Has to be otherwise we would all be writing for the Beeb!
Also, and this is the crux for me, it isn't funny enough!
Yes some of the scenes are mildly amusing owing to the recognition of what you're describing but not actually laughing funny.
And your characterisation needs looking at. For example, Dave is a recruitment consultant therefore he would have a confidence about him that I feel isn't shown in this piece and he certainly wouldn't be so manipulable.
Having said all that I really do appreciate the hard work that has gone into this and as Charley advises you should be proud that it is yours and I'm sure you have the wherewithall to improve it to the required standard.Keep on with it, you appear to have the ideas, which is hard enough in this game!
All the best.
This is more constructive. I think most people are finding it "not funny enough." It is a complete departure from my other scripts because I've aimed it at other areas; it's meant to be mildy amusing all the way through, with building farce-action. I didn't intend it to be filled with quick-fire gags; in essence, it's a different genre, so to judge it by the standards of a sitcom like, for instance, Not Going Out is, IMO, pointless. But it clearly doesn't work - so perhaps the laughs need to be stronger in places.
Perhaps the characters haven't been given enough time; I know a producer would only look at the first 10 pages max., but I felt a lot of the crit was jumping in very quickly. So clearly I need to up my game a bit.
As mentioned at the start of the episode, Dave's job is under review precisely because he's useless at it. (This was covered a lot in episode one incidentally.) He looks for a new job in episode 4. This sounds like justification and it is, but what ought I say? Maybe I'm just demonstrating that there is a lot of thought behind the situation and the characters.
As far as I can see the characters act in genuine ways; I understand Charley's advice to sit on it for a while and look at it with fresh eyes, but I've sat on it for several months already - it's not just me investing my ego into the script, it's genuine puzzlement at some of the comments, in particular that the characters speak with the same voice. I'm not discounting it, I'll just have to sit on it a while longer and examine it closely. If one can spare the time, please do be more precise in pointing out more specifically what's wrong.
There's been a lot of food for thought and no doubt I will be able to improve it - so thanks for all the constructive comments.
****
The conclusion:
SCENE 11. LIVING ROOM. INT. DAY. (MONDAY)
MATT:
I know you’re trying to help, but I still think it could be my ex. The fact is, I can’t find the dildo. And she was a total witch. She was into all that spells and stuff – maybe I should try a counter-curse. It’s got to be worth a try.
JIM:
You know how to do that, do you?
MATT:
I was thinking maybe I’d Google it. How do you get into witchcraft? Old books, isn’t it? I’ve never, ever seen one of those big creepy books like off the telly. I reckon it’s a load of nonsense.
JIM:
Really. My advice comes in two parts: Firstly, stop banging on about it, and secondly, wear a condom.
MATT:
I don’t have any.
JIM:
Dave’s got loads. In his bedside table.
MATT:
All right. Why?
JIM:
In case he ever meets a girl.
MATT:
No, why do I have to wear it?
JIM:
If you are allergic to anything, it won’t touch your skin. I wonder if Dave’s got a story.
MATT:
I doubt it. He was crapping himself when he talked to me.
JIM:
He’s not back though, is he?
MATT:
He’d better still have my drugs. He said he was going to flush ‘em! What a waste. That guy really doesn’t know how to behave, does he?
SCENE 12. POLICE STATION. INT. DAY. (MONDAY)
DAVE IS BEING LED INTO THE POLICE STATION BY TWO POLICE OFFICERS.
PC SILK:
You have been a naughty boy, haven’t you? You shouldn’t have been taking your ‘phone into court.
PC LACE:
Judge Quentin sent someone down for that last year.
PC SILK:
And they didn’t even mention anal sex.
DAVE:
Ah yes, very funny, I don’t, err – I mean, I know it’s supposed to be binding and everything, but do I have to spend the night in the cells?
PC LACE:
Law’s the law, sir.
PC SILK:
But it sounds to me like you were already having problems with the fuzz.
PC LACE:
Yeah, was the heat getting too much?
THE POLICEMEN LAUGH.
DAVE:
That wasn’t me! It’s not my ‘phone!
PC SILK:
Nicked it, did you?
DAVE:
I borrowed it, it’s not mine, why does nobody believe me!? I’m totally normal. I haven’t even had sex for a year, yet alone any – anyway, come on, let’s just get this over with.
PC LACE:
Right then, let’s have a look in the bag.
PC SILK STARTS PATTING DAVE DOWN AND HANDS PC LACE MATT’S BAG
DAVE:
Ok.
REACTION FROM DAVE AS HE REMEMBERS THE MARIJUANA’S IN THERE.
SCENE 13. LIVING ROOM. INT. DAY. (MONDAY)
MATT IS WAVING THE LAPTOP AROUND. JIM IS ON THE HOUSE ‘PHONE.
JIM:
Slow news day. I’ll file what I have. Not much. Ok, I’ll get it in first thing. (HANGS UP) Easy. I’ll just make up a couple of crap stories. They won’t even use them.
MATT:
That bastard next door keeps fiddling with his internet connection.
JIM:
What are you doing? Cup of tea? No, wait, it’s late enough for whisky.
MATT:
Ooh, I’ll have one.
JIM ENTERS KITCHEN AREA
JIM:
I offered you tea, you’re not drinking my whisky.
MATT:
Maybe I’ll have a tea then.
JIM:
Get your own.
MATT:
You offered to make me one!
JIM:
I’m not going out of my way to do it. (RE-ENTERS, HOLDING EMPTY BOTTLE) Who drank my bloody whisky? Vultures.
MATT:
No, I don’t think that’s very likely. Oh, I remember, it was me. I don’t even really like whisky either. Here we are, something’s come up.
JIM:
More than your knob can manage.
MATT:
Don’t be so bitter, I’ll buy you another bottle.
JIM:
This whisky was 12 year-old, barrel-aged, Islay single malt. We’re not talking about bloody Jack Daniels here.
MATT:
It gets you drunk, who cares? Right. My options are: make some sort of sacrifice-
JIM:
Make a sacrifice?
MATT:
I thought it might be, like, giving up sugar in your tea for a while but they mean kill a cat or something.
JIM:
Perfect, we’ll do next-door’s. It’ll stop shitting on our wall, your penis will come back to life and I’ll get a story.
MATT:
Yeah, kill two birds in one day.
JIM:
Yes.
MATT:
Do cats shit on walls Jim?
JIM:
What?
MATT:
I’ve never seen a cat shit on a wall.
JIM:
They’re not floating up there.
MATT:
I reckon someone’s putting them there.
JIM:
Yes: the perfect crime.
MATT:
Or I burn a lock of her hair.
JIM:
What?
MATT:
My ex-girlfriend. It breaks the spell, apparently.
JIM:
I’m going for a walk. I don’t want to see any pentagrams on the wall when I get back.
SCENE 14. POLICE STATION. INT. DAY. (MONDAY)
IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING SCENE 12.
DAVE:
No, wait! I feel sick. Where’s the toilet?
PC SILK:
Just you hang on there-
DAVE GRABS HIS BAG AND DIVES INTO THE TOILET. HE ROOTS THROUGH THE BAG.
DAVE:
Shit, bollocks -
DAVE FINDS THE BAG OF MARIJUANA AND TRIES TO FLUSH IT AWAY. HE SPRAYS THE BUDS EVERYWHERE.
Oh, for-
PC LACE:
Come on, can you come out please?
DAVE:
I need a vacuum cleaner.
DAVE FRANTICALLY SCOOPS UP THE MARIJUANA AND GETS IT ALL IN THE TOILET. HE FLUSHES. WE SEE, OUTSIDE, PC LACE BYPASSING THE LOCK WITH A COIN. THE DOOR STARTS TO OPEN. DAVE REMEMBERS THE STASH TIN. HE PLACES IT IN THE CISTERN, JUST IN TIME.
PC SILK:
Oi you, this isn’t a bloody hotel. Come on.
DAVE:
I’m sorry, I just feel really sick. It came over me like a wave. I suppose it’s the thought of being in prison.
PC SILK TAKES THE BAG AND LEADS DAVE OUT. PC LACE SPOTS SOMETHING IN THE DOOR JAMB: A MARIJUANA BUD. HE LOOKS AROUND AND POCKETS IT.
PC LACE:
What have we got here then? Connect four, hmm. Die Hard trilogy. Good choice. I haven’t seen the new one. I don’t think there are any weapons in here, you’re all right.
DAVE:
No, check it over, go through it, do your job.
PC SILK:
Yeah, there’s another compartment there.
DAVE:
Is there? Hmm. Well, check away! No weapons in there. Definitely no drugs. There might be a knife, or something, I can’t remember.
PC LACE:
You’re fine, there’s… hang on, I can feel something hard.
PC LACE DRAWS OUT MATT’S COPYCOCK. IT REALLY IS QUITE A FINE EXHIBIT, IF A LITTLE ODDLY SHAPED.
Good grief.
HE READS THE BASE.
‘CopyCock – a perfect replica of your lover’s loverman. Now you can take him anywhere. Three speeds.’
THE OFFICERS LOOK FROM THE DILDO TO DAVE’S GROIN WITH DISGUST.
Now I’m feeling sick.
DAVE:
No! No, no, don’t be silly, it’s not a copy of- it’s not mine.
PC LACE THROWS THE DILDO DOWN IN DISGUST.
PC LACE:
You haven’t been using it, have you?
DAVE:
I haven’t even seen it before!
PC SILK:
You sick bastard!
PC LACE:
All that time in the toilet.
DAVE:
Look, I’m not gay, and I don’t carry my lover’s dildo around with me. I know it looks pretty bad. Anyway, even if I did, there’s nothing wrong with it.
PC LACE:
‘Nothing wrong with it’? What planet are you on? So you’re admitting it? My God, I’m glad you’ll be locked up tonight.
DAVE:
You know, I – I don’t even see why I should be apologising for this.
THE MOBILE PHONE BUZZES.
PC SILK:
Go on, you’d better answer that. Tell your friend where you are.
DAVE:
It’s Abi. Hello?
ABI:
(OOV, DISTORT) Matt?
DAVE:
(SWITCHING OFF SPEAKERPHONE) No, this isn’t Matt. And it wasn’t Matt you were talking to when you rang earlier and poured your heart out. In fact you were talking to a whole courtroom.
ABI:
(OOV, DISTORT) Really? Wow, cool! Thank God. What was I doing? For some, like, weird reason I thought I should come clean.
DAVE:
Which is what you want him to do, in a manner of speaking.
ABI:
(OOV, DISTORT) Look, you tell Matt what I said and I’ll get you, ok? I mean, seriously. You will regret it.
DAVE:
My lips are sealed.
ABI:
(OOV, DISTORT) Ok. In a while, crocodile.
DAVE:
Hang on-
THE LINE GOES DEAD.
PC SILK:
I’ll take that.
DAVE:
Well, just a minute, I need to tell someone, and that’s got all the numbers in it – ah no, I know my home number. Do you have a telephone here?
PC SILK:
Of course we do. But you’ve already had your one call.
DAVE:
She rang me!
PC LACE:
It still counts.
DAVE:
I can’t believe this, this is nonsense!
DAVE IS LED TO THE CELLS.
I don’t even have a toothbrush!
SCENE 15. LIVING ROOM. INT. NIGHT. (MONDAY)
MATT AND ABI ARE FINISHING BOWLS OF CHILLI.
MATT:
It’s alright, this chilli.
ABI:
Tesco’s finest. Nice and hot.
MATT:
Dave had better bring my stuff back.
JIM ENTERS, CARRYING AN EVENING NEWSPAPER, AND TAKES OFF HIS COAT.
JIM:
Good evening.
JIM SITS AND BEGINS READING THE PAPER.
MATT:
Ah, sorry Jim, there was some left but we threw it away.
JIM:
That’s fine. I wouldn’t eat anything you’ve touched anyway.
MATT:
Did he try ringing you, Abi?
ABI:
Who - Dave? Why would he ring me? I haven’t talked to him. If anyone wants me, I’ll be in my room.
ABI LEAVES.
MATT:
Lucky bastard. I bet he’s out there somewhere, lights off, having the time of his life. It’s making me horny now. Right, I think I might pay Abi a little visit. ‘Night Jim.
JIM:
Mm, don’t have nightmares. Ha! Spelling mistake in that headline. “Courtroom crime goes down in annals of history.” There are two 'n's in annals.
REACTION FROM JIM AS HE LOOKS CLOSER, PRESUMABLY SEEING THE STORY IS ABOUT DAVE.
SCENE 16. ABI’S ROOM. INT. NIGHT. (MONDAY)
END CREDITS CRAWLER.
ABI AND MATT ARE ON THE BED.
ABI:
Oh, I am so not in the mood!
MATT:
Do you think I could try – you know?
ABI:
Yeah – why not?!
ABI TURNS ONTO HER FRONT AND HANDS MATT THE LUBE. PAUSE.
ABI:
What’s taking you so long? I can’t wait forever, ‘honey’.
MATT:
Jim said I should try wearing a condom, they’re a right bugger to put on. Excuse the pun!
THE PENNY DROPS. REACTION FROM ABI.
ABI:
Just a sec-
TOO LATE. ABI IS TRANSFIXED IN AGONY. BLACKOUT.
MATT:
There we are, that’s just right.
MIX TO – END CREDITS CARD.
ENDS.
My main criticism is that you keep putting 'PHONE. Don't worry, we understand that PHONE is short for TELEPHONE.
On a serious note - for me, it didn't jump off the page and I lost interest very quickly.
I just felt the dialogue was too indistinct and seemed a bit aimless.
Quote: James Williams @ January 30, 2008, 3:28 PMThis is more constructive. I think most people are finding it "not funny enough." It is a complete departure from my other scripts because I've aimed it at other areas; it's meant to be mildy amusing all the way through, with building farce-action. I didn't intend it to be filled with quick-fire gags; in essence, it's a different genre, so to judge it by the standards of a sitcom like, for instance, Not Going Out is, IMO, pointless. But it clearly doesn't work - so perhaps the laughs need to be stronger in places.
As I said before, it really shouldn't matter whether it is constantly funny - the genre that one calls it shouldn't decide whether you enjoy a programme. If it's entertaining, thats all that matters - and theres more to entertainment than just laughs, like (as you've gone for in this piece) building stories and putting a lot of thought into the characters and storylines.
Quote: James Williams @ January 30, 2008, 3:28 PMin particular that the characters speak with the same voice.
Obviously in your head, they speak with different voices, and if it was produced then it would be clear from watching on TV that they had different voices. Perhaps, however, to someone reading from a script, they do sound the same (although of course in reality they are not). The problem there is that the people who are going to produce your series are only going to be reading the script, so if it doesn't become clear to them, then they will have the same problem.
It's just the same problem as always with these unsolicited scripts, you *know* in your head that something is REALLY funny and if only you were given a chance to film it, it would show it to be so (for example, The Royal Family...script, not funny, and as such wouldn't look good when read but it is very funny). But unfortunately, we don't have the chance to do this, so things need to be overexaggerated, overemphasised etc. so that everyone who reads it gets it.
Quote: Charisma @ January 30, 2008, 4:22 PMAs I said before, it really shouldn't matter whether it is constantly funny - the genre that one calls it shouldn't decide whether you enjoy a programme.
-------- Yeah but he's billed it as a sitcom. It's like a sitcom being pitched as a costume drama. The sitcom could be good, but it's not good if it's pitched as something it isn't.
Obviously in your head, they speak with different voices, and if it was produced then it would be clear from watching on TV that they had different voices. Perhaps, however, to someone reading from a script, they do sound the same (although of course in reality they are not). The problem there is that the people who are going to produce your series are only going to be reading the script, so if it doesn't become clear to them, then they will have the same problem.
It's just the same problem as always with these unsolicited scripts, you *know* in your head that something is REALLY funny and if only you were given a chance to film it, it would show it to be so (for example, The Royal Family...script, not funny, and as such wouldn't look good when read but it is very funny). But unfortunately, we don't have the chance to do this, so things need to be overexaggerated, overemphasised etc. so that everyone who reads it gets it.
------------------ I don't believe the Royle Family scripts wouldn't be funny either. It did have jokes in it.
(1) That is true...if James had just said what do you think of this script then perhaps people would've been kinder. I just think that you shouldn't need to give something a category though, enjoy it for what it is, no the "brand" it's being labelled as.
(2)I believe those scripts were rejected until she managed to get the actors in and perform it for producers. To reiterate my idea, here is the script (that I've created, so not the 'official' script) for my favourite scene from the critically successful Extras Christmas Special:
INT. DARREN'S OFFICE
BARRY IS IN DARREN'S OFFICE AS HE RETURNS FROM LUNCH. DARREN IS SINGING 'MISTLETOE AND WINE', AND BARRY JOINS IN. BARRY HELPS DARREN REMOVE HIS JACKET.
DARREN
Any messages mate?
BARRY
A couple. BT called.
DARREN
What? British Telecom?
BARRY
Oh yeah.
DARREN
What were they after?
BARRY
They wanted to know if you were happy with the service.
DARREN
Very happy to be honest.
BARRY
That's what I told them because I thought you were, but they wanted to talk to you specifically.
DARREN
Well, they would because my name is on the bill.
BARRY
Yes it is. And apparently you could have free evening and weekend calls.
DARREN
Could I really? That's very generous of them. Do they want me to call back?
BARRY
No, they said they'd call.
DARREN
Well, I don't mind calling them.
BARRY
I said you'd be back at two, it's ten to now, so just wait for the call.
DARREN
I'll wait till just after two, then if they haven't called, I'll give them a bell.
That to me really doesn't read very funny...hopefully, people won't remember the scene too well and can read that as a script. It doesn't look that hilarious, but when filmed it really is. So if James wrote that in his script, on here people would say its not funny enough, a producer wouldn't think it was funny enough and it wouldn't get made. That's my view on it anyway. (Sorry James for filling your thread with this when you want critique)
Quote: Charisma @ January 30, 2008, 4:39 PM(1) That is true...if James had just said what do you think of this script then perhaps people would've been kinder. I just think that you shouldn't need to give something a category though, enjoy it for what it is, no the "brand" it's being labelled as.
(2)I believe those scripts were rejected until she managed to get the actors in and perform it for producers. To reiterate my idea, here is the script (that I've created, so not the 'official' script) for my favourite scene from the critically successful Extras Christmas Special:
INT. DARREN'S OFFICE
BARRY IS IN DARREN'S OFFICE AS HE RETURNS FROM LUNCH. DARREN IS SINGING 'MISTLETOE AND WINE', AND BARRY JOINS IN. BARRY HELPS DARREN REMOVE HIS JACKET.
DARREN
Any messages mate?BARRY
A couple. BT called.DARREN
What? British Telecom?BARRY
Oh yeah.DARREN
What were they after?BARRY
They wanted to know if you were happy with the service.DARREN
Very happy to be honest.BARRY
That's what I told them because I thought you were, but they wanted to talk to you specifically.DARREN
Well, they would because my name is on the bill.BARRY
Yes it is. And apparently you could have free evening and weekend calls.DARREN
Could I really? That's very generous of them. Do they want me to call back?BARRY
No, they said they'd call.DARREN
Well, I don't mind calling them.BARRY
I said you'd be back at two, it's ten to now, so just wait for the call.DARREN
I'll wait till just after two, then if they haven't called, I'll give them a bell.That to me really doesn't read very funny...hopefully, people won't remember the scene too well and can read that as a script. It doesn't look that hilarious, but when filmed it really is. So if James wrote that in his script, on here people would say its not funny enough, a producer wouldn't think it was funny enough and it wouldn't get made. That's my view on it anyway. (Sorry James for filling your thread with this when you want critique)
Yes but James isn't Gervais & Merchant. Lets be realistic there is no way that a sitcom with long periods without gags is going to get made unless James dresses up like Jennifer friggin Saunders. He's cutting his odds from .1% to 0% doing this imho. Crap, but the way of the world. I think most hear would say James is a very good writer, and I for one would say he's pretty good at gags
to boot, so why tie himself to a 30 minutes format reserved for existing BBC harpies that he has nop chance of breaking into. Fine turn it into a comedy drama, but that would mean dropping the sitcom and 30 minute plot.
Any seemingly negative critics here I think are more aimed at his choice of the wrong type of writing direction, rather than the writing, characters or plot.
But then again I know jack.
Quote: Charisma @ January 30, 2008, 4:39 PM(1) That is true...if James had just said what do you think of this script then perhaps people would've been kinder. I just think that you shouldn't need to give something a category though, enjoy it for what it is, no the "brand" it's being labelled as.
(2)I believe those scripts were rejected until she managed to get the actors in and perform it for producers. To reiterate my idea, here is the script (that I've created, so not the 'official' script) for my favourite scene from the critically successful Extras Christmas Special:
INT. DARREN'S OFFICE
BARRY IS IN DARREN'S OFFICE AS HE RETURNS FROM LUNCH. DARREN IS SINGING 'MISTLETOE AND WINE', AND BARRY JOINS IN. BARRY HELPS DARREN REMOVE HIS JACKET.
DARREN
Any messages mate?BARRY
A couple. BT called.DARREN
What? British Telecom?BARRY
Oh yeah.DARREN
What were they after?BARRY
They wanted to know if you were happy with the service.DARREN
Very happy to be honest.BARRY
That's what I told them because I thought you were, but they wanted to talk to you specifically.DARREN
Well, they would because my name is on the bill.BARRY
Yes it is. And apparently you could have free evening and weekend calls.DARREN
Could I really? That's very generous of them. Do they want me to call back?BARRY
No, they said they'd call.DARREN
Well, I don't mind calling them.BARRY
I said you'd be back at two, it's ten to now, so just wait for the call.DARREN
I'll wait till just after two, then if they haven't called, I'll give them a bell.That to me really doesn't read very funny...hopefully, people won't remember the scene too well and can read that as a script. It doesn't look that hilarious, but when filmed it really is. So if James wrote that in his script, on here people would say its not funny enough, a producer wouldn't think it was funny enough and it wouldn't get made. That's my view on it anyway. (Sorry James for filling your thread with this when you want critique)
I think that DID read funny. The Darren/Barry stuff has loads of trad gags in it.
Quote: Rob B @ January 30, 2008, 5:46 PMYes but James isn't Gervais & Merchant. Lets be realistic there is no way that a sitcom with long periods without gags is going to get made unless James dresses up like Jennifer friggin Saunders. He's cutting his odds from .1% to 0% doing this imho. Crap, but the way of the world. I think most hear would say James is a very good writer, and I for one would say he's pretty good at gags
to boot, so why tie himself to a 30 minutes format reserved for existing BBC harpies that he has nop chance of breaking into. Fine turn it into a comedy drama, but that would mean dropping the sitcom and 30 minute plot.Any seemingly negative critics here I think are more aimed at his choice of the wrong type of writing direction, rather than the writing, characters or plot.
But then again I know jack.
I've said before - doing good gags will get you noticed, get you meetings, get producers interested in your stuff. The good character stuff just means it will get further.