Provisional licence to kill

PROVISIONAL LICENCE TO KILL JOEL SOETENDORP

JAMES BOND IS STANDING OVER A CORPSE, AND HAS A SHOVEL

JAMES
Like a dry martini martinis, you've been shaken, and now will be interred.
A police man walks on set.
POLICE
Allo allo, what's going on here, how did this man die?
JAMES
I killed him, my names James Bond….
POLICE
Hang on a mo sonny Jim, you murdered him?
JAMES
Well not murdered, I'm James Bond I have a licence to kill
POLICE
Licence to kill, how does that work then?
JAMES
Well as a 00 agent, I'm licenced by HM government to kill.
POLICE
I see, so the paper boy brings the Mirror, instead of the Mail you blow him off of his BMX. Sorry Mrs Jones but, Mr Bond shot Timmy, nothing we can do about it, he's got a licence.
JAMES
Look this is ridiculous, I keep this country safe from terrifying villains you couldn’t even imagine, SMERSH, Blofeld.
POLICE
Could I get one of those licences, pop down the post office, with 5 signed passport photographs from responsible citizens, and £25, and bobs your uncle killing spree here I come.
JAMES
Here it is officer I have a country to defend. So clear off.
JAMES SHOWS POLICE HIS LICENCE.
POLICE
I see sir this is a provisional licence to kill, it's only for dead legs, and Chinese burns.
JAMES
Damn, my full licence is in the post, and ...
POLICE
Right sir, you don’t even have L plates on your gun, you're coming with me.

Very good indeed.

A really good idea and as both characters are charctures it becomes even more silly. If the policeman olayed it straight I don't think it would've been quite so funny.

Very good, I enjoyed this.

But it is "licence" not license. *Smiles the smug pedantic grin of the nit-picking twat*

Quote: James Williams @ January 28, 2008, 10:07 PM

Very good, I enjoyed this.

But it is "licence" not license. *Smiles the smug pedantic grin of the nit-picking twat*

View original

*smiles the smug pedantic grin of someone who's just been through and edited the whole post having noticed so himself*

Yes agreed. Very good!

I really liked this idea, well done. Although I still see plenty of room for improvement, it's still a top sketch.

POLICE
I see sir this is a provisional licence to kill

That's a very satisfying twist, again, well done. James Bond spoofing is not an original idea, but this sketch, as far as I'm aware is.

Nice idea, Joel. You have some great ideas in there. The shooting the paperboy bit was a highlight.

As has been said above, there's plenty of room for improvement. Your formatting and punctuation (or lack of) is a big obstacle for the reader right now. Have a look at some other people's sketches to see how it's done and your sketches will improve tenfold.

I have a licence to sell alcohol.

I really liked this.

I liked the twist with the provisional licence too, but the "it's only for dead legs and Chinese burns" bit didn't quite fit the context for me. Felt something else could go there instead, like "you need an accompanying bimbo" or whatever, not sure exactly, sorry.

Excellent sketch though.

It's quite nice and I especially like the line about dead-legs and Chines burns.

Too much unnecessary dialogue, though.

I'd trim it to:

JAMES BOND IS STANDING OVER A DEAD BODY

A UNIFORMED POLICEMAN ENTERS

POLICE
'Ello 'ello 'ello. What's going on here?

JAMES
I killed him. My name's James Bond.

POLICE
You murdered him?????

JAMES
No, I'm James Bond. I have a licence to kill.

POLICE
What . . . ANYbody?

JAMES
Anybody.

POLICE
I see, so the paper boy delivers the Telegraph instead of the Sporting Life and you come running out of your front door and blow him off of his BMX? Sorry Mrs Jones. Mr Bond here's just shot little Timmy. But don't worry. He's got a licence.

JAMES
An unlikely scenario.

POLICE
Maybe I could get one of those licences? Pop down the post office with a couple of passport photographs and £4.95 and Bob's your uncle - everybody in town's a potential bullet magnet?

JAMES
Here's my licence, Officer. Now, if you wouldn't mind, I have a country to defend.

JAMES SHOWS POLICE HIS LICENCE.

POLICE
Hang on, Sir. This is a PROVISIONAL licence to kill. It's only for dead legs and Chinese burns.

JAMES
Damn! My full licence is in the post, and ...

POLICE
You haven't even got L plates on your gun. You're coming with me, mate.

Top stuff.

Hope no one minds me bumping my old Bond skits.

I like this one. Great concept and top ending that I didn't see coming. Very clever.

Dan

Best of the Bond sketches so far.

Great stuff from a guy who has a provisional License To Spell.