I love racing horses. But they almost always beat me.
When I was little I used to play the fiddle, but we had to keep moving house because the neighbours kept chucking bricks through our windows. I guess people just have a problem with a child fiddler moving in next door.
I tell you what I can' get my head round. Invisible corners.
Some days I get to just curl up all naked in my own slime and lie in the fetal position. People say I don't know I'm born.
People say going to the theatre’s a gay man’s pastime but I think that’s crap, I always go with my straight mate Gary. He really loves ‘les mis’, but I’m more of a Rent boy.
My dad’s a doctor, he loves to help people. He joined that organisation, ‘Medecins Sans Frontieres’, or ‘Doctors without Boundaries’ to translate. And it’s true, he really doesn’t have boundaries in his work; he’s shagged landmine victims, sold heroine to orphans…
Calendars; their days are numbered.
I like talking to Voodoo dolls about my problems. They feel my pain.
Rubber eggs. You can’t beat em.
What does a dominatrix do? Beats me.
Finders keepers, my dad would say. Before he was fired from the missing children centre.
My old dad would call a spade a spade. Before he went blind; now he calls it three dots and a dash.
My mate Peado John is a great midfielder. He loves playing in the middle of the park.
Every man has his price, my dad would say. Before he got arrested for human trafficking.
Some days I wake up thinking I’m a crab. I pinch myself, but it doesn’t help.
Putting two fingers down my own throat? That makes me sick.
All my coat-hangers are gay but nobody knows.
My girlfriend says I’m xena-phobic, but I’ve got nothing against warrior princesses.
Those self-help books about OCD – I can’t stop buying them but I think I’m getting better.
I’ve met some crazy women in my time. That queen of hearts? She’s a card
