Sitcom Pilot Scene

Spent the last few years thinking a) i could better than many shows on TV and b) there's enough funny things I've seen in the last 34 years to fill a show

So i wrote this scene, for a single camera sitcom, about a guy called John. He takes a sales manager job at the firm he worked at before he left to set up his own company. He made, then lost a fortune. He's now back with the same guys he left there 8 years before and really just feels the whole thing is a step backwards but too pissed off at life to bother going for something better.

Although since he left Sarah has joined.....and John is single as his wife walked when his business collapsed.

In a way i am hopping to be told its rubbish so i can get on with my life and drop my Larry David aspirations!

This is very early on in the pilot, just setting everyone (mainly the relationship between Gary/Ian and Tony)up really.

TWO MEN SAT AT A BOARDROOM TABLE. A TYPICAL SALES MEETING SETUP WITH FLIP CHART IN THE CORNER AND NOTE PADS ON THE TABLE. IAN EARLY 30’s, TONY, IN HIS 50’s

JOHN ENTERS AND SITS AT THE HEAD OF THE TABLE

JOHN
Ok folks, ten past nine so let’s crack on without them.

DOOR OPENS AND GIRL, LATE 20’S, HURRIES IN AND SITS AT THE TABLE

SARAH
Sorry guys, traffic was grim.

TONY
We all drove through the same traffic Sarah.

SARAH
Yes Tony, I’m sorry…..I live a lot further away than you though.

TONY
Leave home sooner perhaps? I don’t think you’ll find Richard Branson flies all the way round the world for a meeting and then arrives late with “sorry, traffic problems”

IAN
Wouldn’t go all the way round the world would he. Pointless, just end up where he started. Unless he was just showing off.

JOHN
Sarah, its fine. We’ve only just started. I’ve just sat down myself.

IAN
Time for a funny email first?

JOHN
Can it wait?

IAN
Come on. Be a nice boss.

JOHN
Quickly. Not the one about the blind kid you sent me though.

SARAH
Yeah, cause that was sick. And I told you not to forward me stuff anyway.

IAN
It was funny. Classic slapstick never fails.

SARAH
Right, the ghosts of Morecombe and Wise kicking are kicking themselves for missing out sick kid gags.

JOHN
Not sure they are both dead.

SARAH
Whatever. It wasn’t funny.

IAN TAKES A SHEET OF A4 FROM HIS LEATHER FOLDER IN FRONT OF HIM

IAN
Ok,ten actual transcripts from calls to an IT call centre.

Right, caller goes, “my screen is frozen”. IT bloke says, “no problem, click on Start in the bottom right hand corner”. She goes, “how can you see what’s on my screen?”

JOHN RESTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS AND IS STARTING TO LOOK FRUSTRATED

IAN (cont)
Hang on, they get better

TONY
Those things are never true.

IAN
Err. Ten actual transcripts. So I think you’ll find they are. Bloke calls up...

TONY
(Interrupting)
No they aren’t. The Data Protection Act wouldn’t allow recorded conversations to be released like that. They are just made up rubbish.

IAN
Whatever Mr Gag Expert, it’s funny. Number two.

TONY
I’m not an expert in...

IAN
(Interrupting)
Brave to admit it, well done.

TONY
I am not an expert on this rubbish, but anyone knows it’s made up. You said it was true, its not. Therefore it’s not as funny as you seem to think.

IAN
Whatever. You think it’s made up and I think its funny. Onward.

TONY
(Interrupting)
No. I know they are made up and therefore they aren’t funny.

JOHN
Guys. Who cares? Let’s just get on.

IAN
Jesus Tony, so what they aren’t true. If it’s funny it’s funny it’s funny. Doesn’t matter if it’s not real. It humour porn.we know it’s not real, it still entertains.

SARAH
Humour porn?

IAN
(Turning to Sarah and winking)
Oh yes, and you luvs it.

JOHN CHECKS HIS WATCH

JOHN
Let’s leave the funnies, do them on your lunch time.

MAN BURSTS IN, CLEARLY BEEN RUNNING

GARY
Ok, lets rock and roll. The G Man is here.

TONY
The G Man is late.

GARY
Whatever Tonester. So what did I miss.

SARAH
We’ve been discussing the joys of humour porn.

GARY
Yep, with you there. Seen some stuff with animals and other shit and its disgusting. Girl on girl over that any day.

JOHN
Humour Gary. Humour.

GARY SETTLES TO HIS SEAT, OBLIVIOUS

JOHN (cont)
Forget it. Let’s get on.

JOHN (cont)
Ok, Peter’s given me the figures from you lot for last month. I just need your projections for this month and to go through some memos you should already have seen anyway.
(beat)
Tony, you have the three sales of mine I gave you last Wednesday. That’s £8,000. I assume your closing those this month?

TONY
Absolutely.

JOHN
Ok, what else?

TONY OPENS THE LAPTOP IN FRONT OF HIM AND HITS THE POWER BUTTON

JOHN
Just rough idea will do.

TONY
I’ve got it all here on a spreadsheet.

EVERYONE WAITS.

JOHN
More than £15,000? £20,000?

TONY
She’s coming, almost there.

GARY
Oh er.

SARAH ROLLS HER EYES.

JOHN
I’ll come back to you. Ian?

IAN
Twenty one big ones

JOHN
£21,000? Good stuff

IAN AND GARRY GIVE EACH OTHER A CASUAL HIGH FIVE ACROSS THE TABLE. SARAH HAS TO GRAB HER COFFEE WHICH THEY ALMOST SEND FLYING

JOHN
Gary?

GARRY
£20,000 for me too.

IAN
I was £21,000. But close.

JOHN
You have £20,000 to close in the next month?

GARRY
Rack ‘em and stack ‘em.

JOHN
(Sceptical)
Indeed…so you’re confident of that then?

GARY
(Offended at the question)
Yes I’m confident. Is Ian confident?

IAN
Born confident my friend.

JOHN
Ian, somehow, often does over 20. I can’t see on these figures that you’ve been over 6 all year.

GARY
Times is a changing then.

TONY
We’ll believe that when we see it

JOHN TURNS TO TONY WHO REACTS BY PRODDING AT HIS LAPTOP FOR SIGNS OF LIFE

JOHN
Figures Tony?

TONY
Nearly there.

GARY
I met this lass and her dad owns some property company and needed some advice on investments. All going to plan so far.

JOHN
Ok, fair play then.

IAN
Mixing business with pleasure…the only way to go. She hot?

GARY
My philosophy, if I get this biz does it even matter?

IAN
Rough then.

GARY
The dad's loaded. She’s got her own place and everything.

IAN
Rough it is.

GARY
(Dejected)
Minging. If it falls through I’m jumping of a bridge.

SARAH
Wow, she’s hit the love jackpot with you.

IAN
Still, 21,000. Poke it, close it and move on.

JOHN
Sarah. Common sense and some numbers please?

SARAH
£14,000.

JOHN
Thank you Sarah. I need a team of Sarah’s.

IAN
Dam right you do. and I’m coming to that Christmas party.

JOHN IS LOOKING WORN OUT AND SARAH THROWS HER PEN AT IAN

JOHN
Tony?

TONY
ok, nearly there.

JOHN
(Getting wound up now)
Tony, just give me some rough numbers. It doesn’t need to be spot on. Just some numbers, any numbers, today.

TONY IS STILL JABBING AT HIS LAPTOP POWER BUTTON

TONY
I think my battery is flat.

JOHN COVERS HIS FACE WITH HIS HANDS TO CALM HIMSELF

TONY (cont)
I can go and grab the spare charger

JOHN
(From behind his hands)
No. Just give me numbers. Please.

TONY
Ok, about, 38 give or take.

IAN
(Coughing into his fist)
Bullshit.

JOHN
You’re going to do £38,000 this month? That’s the eight from me and another 30 on top?

TONY
Some of it may be long term, but theoretically there’s the potential for about 38.

JOHN
Ok.Though last month you said 29 and did 5. Is the spreadsheet a bit more accurate this time?

TONY
I can grab the spare charger, I keep two spares just in case.

JOHN
No no no, that fine, as long as you are fairly confident that’s what you’ll close in the month.

TONY
Yes. Although like I say, some is long term.

IAN
Uh oh. Engine one on fire.

TONY
Idiot.

JOHN
Ian, shut up. What’s long term Tony? I need to know what will close this month. Is it 38?

TONY
Well maybe some of it will drag over into next month.

IAN
Houston. We have a problem.

GARY
Tom Hanks. Nice.

GARY AND IAN EXCHANGE ANOTHER HIGH FIVE

JOHN
Give me strength. Tony…how much are you SURE you will close this month. Forget the rest.

TONY
Between um. Maybe, something like between (pause) Maybe 15 and (pause) maybe about 7. But obviously there’s lots of potential.

IAN
Mayday Mayday.

GARY
(cupping his hands to his mouth and shouting)
Wilson. (Pause as evryone looks at him) Tom Hanks again.

JOHN
(frustrated)
Right, somewhere between 7 and 15 is definite.

TONY
Well 7 is definite as in 100%. The rest is probable.

JOHN
Fine…7, and the 8 from me.

TONY
That’s included

JOHN
You have 8 from the three clients I gave you. That’s included in the 7?

IAN
Sorry, what were you an expert in Tony? Not numbers up to 10 I assume?

TONY
I spoke to one of those leads on Friday though and I think they are more of a probable.

JOHN
They weren’t leads, they were done deals.

TONY
I think one may now be more a probable

IAN
This is the coast guard…..launch the rescue chopper, we are down 30k

GARY
Chopper launched…..radar on, switching to bullshit vision.

TONY
You’re idiots, both of you.

JOHN
(Standing up)
Give up, You’re all idiots. Have you read these memos?
(Throws them on the table and doesn’t wait for an answer)
Good, meeting over. I’ll be in my office. Go do some work.

EVERYONE BAR TONY GETS UP AND STARTS TO LEAVE

JOHN (cont)
Um, Sarah. I didn’t mean you’re an idiot.

SARAH
(Smiling)
I should hope not.

TONY’S BEEN FIDDLING WITH HIS LAPTOP WHICH SPRINGS TO LIFE

TONY
Here we go. I knew I’d get there in the end.

EVERYONE STOPS AS TONY SCANS HIS SPREADSHEET

TONY (Cont)
Yeah…yeah. Thought so. Its about 38 probable.

JOHN
And definite?

TONY
Um. 7. (beat) 6 or 7. At worst it may be 5.

IAN AND GARY WALK OUT LAUGHING

IAN
Return to base. Rescue mission aborted on the grounds the pilot was a retard.

GARY
(Whispering to Ian as they walk out)
So what’s this I missed about the animal porn?

This reads really well and is pretty good i think. Ian and Tony sort of appear to be one siamese character, but that may not be a problem. Sarah is a bit isolated, but presumably you have other female characters.

You spelt 'damn' wrong.

The premise is interesting.

I'm only not sure about the Gary/porn joke or the coughing/bullshit joke. Feels too unoriginal.

At no time whilst reading did I go 'oh jesus...' Not that I'm jaded or anything.

Good work. Post some more.

I agree. Thought it read really, really nicely.

To be critical:

1. I thought it was too long. Maybe split it into too with a short breather scene in between.
2. There weren't enough laughs for me. 3 per page is the rough rule of thumb, isn't it?
3. Not sure if a sitcom set in an office where jaded-with-life characters sarcastially barrack eachother will be though of as original enough.
4. I think you could do more wth the trascripts stuff, it's got real potential. Could two of them do a role-play?

Loved the Branson gag, incidentally. Oh and I really like Sarah, a good actress would make her a great character.

Screw life, write sitcom.

The Branson gag was the only time I laughed out loud. There were a couple of other nice light touches that I found funny. IMO it is too long and needs to be condensed somewhat. And you're right, it is better than a lot of stuff on TV. Do you have a plot outline? This scene seems a bit aimless, as you say. That's fine, but obviously the whole thing can't be like that.

doh.....you were all supposed to say "rubbish" so i could put this fantasy to bed!

Its a pity that The Office exists as it sort of screws up any comedy in an office for ever! I remember watching People Like Us and thinking it would make a great sitcom.....now i'm old enough to have stuff to write about and i've been beaten to it.

I suppose i need to move the location and go from there.....i worked in gym before an office so maybe there?

Gym sounds better than an office to me. The setting of an office is of course very generic... but it could be an office in any number of different industries to impart a different spin on it. But some situations just work and get re-done all the time. I suppose if it's truthful it should work.

I don't think the office setting necessarily needs to be changed; I'm sure if you really thought about what you wanted to do with it you could make it different enough. I do like your heavy 'sales' slant.

It's just that it did have a similar feel in terms of character/mood.

On the gym thing, I think you'd have to change it quite significantly to do that. People who work in gyms are idiots though, so it does have potential.

The setting doesn't matter. Most shows are set in in offices - no-one compares them to 'The office' because they're not like The Office.

Hi there Mr / Ms / Mrs Lewis or may I call you M?

I read it through and my first thoughts were it was well presented and I liked some of it. Particularly the sales guys with their rather ambitious predictions.

My main criticism is that there is not enough differentiation between some of the characters. There are too many cocky rep types. The girl is a welcome change but she's a bit two dimensional in this extract, a bit of a token female.

I think it has promise and as I read on the site somewhere else today. It's not so much the situation that's important but the relationship between your characters that counts. Define that well and you have something of worth on your hands. the situation IMO is neither here nor there.Also on the Gym thing - then you invite comments about similarities to Brittas Empire.

Decent start though and I'd crack on if I were you. If we're all tortured souls on here then I don't see why you should be able to get off scott free

I'm not exactly an expert (well, I'm not an expert at all... In fact the closest I've been to an expert is I saw the word written on the back of a receipt in biro) But I laughtd...