Gym Sketch

I went to a sketch writing course today (more about that later) and this is a sketch I came up with there.

Int. Gym - Day

Gavin (23) is leaning against an exercise bike. He is red faced, wheezing heavily and overweight. Danny (21) enters – He is the epitome of physical perfection. Danny walks over to Gavin.

Danny: Excuse me, are you Gavin? I’m here for the workout.

Gavin heaves himself off the side of the bike.

Gavin: (COUGHS HEAVILY) Hello young man. Right, so, you’d like to get fat?

Gavin looks Danny up and down.

Gavin: (SIGHS) Yeah, I used to be like you once. Fit and handsome.

Danny: Oh really?

Gavin: Well, not exactly handsome. Gargoyle Gavin they used to call me.

Gavin Prods at Danny’s stomach.

Gavin: Dear oh dear. 6 pack is it?

Danny: I’m afraid so.

Gavin: Well, I think it’s best we push on to an 8 pack (BEAT) of lager. Let me get some.

Gavin pulls a lavish dinner trolley over. It’s piled high with junk food.

Gavin: Hmmm, looks like I had the last coupla lagers for breakfast. (HICCUPS) Here, try one of these milkshakes.

Gavin hands Danny a milkshake from the trolley. Danny starts drinking it.

Danny: Is this protein based?

Gavin: No. Lard. (POINTS AT TROLLEY) It’s ALL lard based.

Danny finishes the milkshake off and is handed another 3 which he downs messily. He starts clutching at his chest and groaning.

Danny: Oh God! I can't go on, I think I'm having a cardiac arrest.

Gavin grabs hold of Danny and starts pouring a milkshake down his throat.

Gavin: FEEL THE BURN!

Gavin lets go of Danny once the milkshake is gone. Danny collapses, lifeless, to the floor.

Gavin: Now that’s what I’m talking about – No pain, no gain!

ENDS

I liked the premise of this a lot. Could be a little shorter perhaps but you're not far away so good work.

I wanted to end with 'No pain, no weight gain'

Echo Tuumble - I'm seeing the edit I think? I loved the line, Feel the burn, brilliant.

Very minor point indeed, here. Re: the lard section. In Gavin's response I'd change it from "Lard based" to just "No, lard."

As it is, the word 'based' occurs 3 times in a row very rapidly and can be jarring. The word 'based' is infered (as a response to the question) and is then reinforced then by repeating it in the second part of that response. So it can dropped without any loss of meaning.

Enjoyed.

Oh I didn't notice 'based'. I'll get rid of that. I don't like jarring dialogue either!

Nice sketch, I like it as there's plenty of funny jokes throughout, as a sketch should be.

I thought the Gargoyle Gavin joke was a bit out of place though. I imagined the trainer as quite confident and sure of himself so I thought it out of character for him to be self-deprecating like that.

Otherwise me like!

Yeah, good point Shoe.

I liked it, kinda reminded me of a Harry Enfield style of sketch, not sure if that's an insult to you or not, it's not meant to be though.

I endorse the points already made but it was well constructed and of course funny!

I liked this too. Needs a bit of polishing but, as said, the 'Feel the burn!' line is quality.

Dan

OK...
But two sketches on this forum in quick succession that use the ooooold 'six-pack' beer/muscles joke? That ruined the whole thing for me. I assume they told you in the workshop to take a common conceit/scenario and turn it on its head...? I think this worked reasonably well, but I'd've liked more of a twist at the end. I was waiting for something more.

I enjoyed 'so you'd like to get fat' line. Nice work.

Great premise but needs to be cleverer to actually make sense, for me.

Maybe at first we assume they're at a gym, a sign maybe or some piece of equipment, but then something makes us realise we're not (and the actual use of what we thought was a piece of excercise equipment is something that'll help him get fat).

RE: James, I HATE the six-pack muscle/beer joke and think that it should only be made by nerdy little characters who think they're being funny, but get no reaction.

Otherwise, good, I did like the premise a lot.

I emailed this sketch over to the chap who took my course on Sunday and he made a few suggestions which I've incorporated into this edit. The 6-pack line stays! It's a cheap laugh, I agree, but that's what audiences want unfortunately. Let me know what you think!

Int. Gym - Day

Gavin (23) is lazing on a sofa and eating chips. He is red faced and overweight. Danny (21) enters - He is the epitome of physical perfection. Danny walks over to Gavin.

Danny: Excuse me, are you Gavin? I'm here for the workout.

Gavin heaves himself up off the sofa

Gavin: (COUGHS HEAVILY) Hello and welcome to 'Fat Gym'.

Gavin presents 'Fat Gym' to Danny with a flourish of his hands.

Gavin: So, you'd like to get fat?

Danny: Well, yes. It seems that, these days, fat is where it's at.

Gavin: Too true, son. Now, as you can see, we're equipped with the finest cholesterol inducing kit available. We've got lazy boy chairs, flat screen tv's, the lot!

Danny: And what's that over there?

Gavin: Ah, now that's the most important piece we have - The restaurant.

Danny: Well, I was hoping to get work as a Radio 1 DJ. Do you think it's a size I can reach?

Gavin looks Danny up and down and then prods at his stomach.

Gavin: Dear oh dear. 6 pack is it?

Danny: I'm afraid so.

Gavin: Well, I think it's best we concentrate on an 8 pack.

Gavin pulls a lavish dinner trolley over. It's piled high with junk food.

Gavin: Hmmm, looks like I had the last 8 pack for breakfast. (HICCUPS) Here, try one of these milkshakes.

Gavin hands Danny a milkshake from the trolley. Danny starts drinking it.

Danny: Is this protein based?

Gavin: No. Lard. (POINTS AT TROLLEY) It's ALL lard based.

Danny finishes the milkshake off and is handed another 3 which he downs messily. He starts clutching at his chest and groaning.

Danny: I don't think I can go on.

Gavin: You can! You CAN! Just think of all the benefits it'll bring you.

Danny: I know, but.....

Gavin: Just imagine it! Never having to worry about dressing fashionably! Never having to share a seat on the bus!

Danny: Oh God! I think I'm having a cardiac arrest.

Gavin grabs hold of Danny and starts pouring a milkshake down his throat.

Gavin: FEEL THE BURN!

Danny collapses to the floor.

ENDS

In homage to your sketch and fast food, all I can say is:
mmm...i'm loving it.

Its OK but the 6-pack joke does cheapen it for me. If thats what the audience want then f**k em.