Waiter: A little wine, madame?
Woman: Yes, the parking here is terrible.
Waiter: Very good.
Quickie!!!
Waiter: Would you like to see the wine list, madame?
Woman: Yes, I'd like to complain about the decor, the Lobster Thermodore was undercooked and that man isn't wearing a tie.
Waiter: I'm sorry madam. The tie's off.
Woman: Well, tell him to put it back on again.
MAN:
Waiter, have you got a good wine?
WAITER:
Well, the chef is a twat.
MAN:
Waiter, what is the house wine?
WAITER:
The pay here is terrible.
MAN
How much is this 1974 claret?
WAITER
£600 Sir.
MAN
And what about corkage?
WAITER
Probably 1974 as well.
First person to come up with something original involving House wine and Winehouse wins an autographed crack pipe or summat...
WAITER
Can I interest you in the house wine madam
AMY WINEHOUSE
No thankyou,I'd like a nice cup of tea and a scone please
Can I have the crack pipe? Please? Please?
WOMAN: Waiter, do you have a house wine?
WAITER: Yes! My f**king roof leeks!
Waiter
The Chef's special Madame?
Woman
*Claps* So the f**k am I
MAN: Waiter, what's the soup of the day?
WAITER: DUCK!
A PLATE HITS THE GUY ON THE HEAD.
WAITER: Sorry about that sir, chef's having a tantrum...err, it's chicken.
WAITER: Can I interest you in a good whine, sir?
MAN: Yes, I'd like some wine. Can I have some red wine please.
Gimme that crack pipe this one's dead original 
MAN: Waiter, have you seen my wife?
WAITER: I have indeed sir! Dear, dear. You're a braver man than me.
MAN: Waiter, i seem to have lost my wallet.
WAITER: Not a problem sir, here take mine.
MAN: That's jolly decent of you.
WAITER: Not really, there's f**k all in it and you're still doing the washing up.
MAN:
Waiter! What's this fly doing in my soup?
WAITER:
I'm not sure sir but it might be gathering material for a dissertation on surreal restaurant-based waiter / customer jokes. Or then again - it might be doing something completely different.
MAN:
Can I have the house red please?
WAITER:
Paint it yourself you lazy Bastard!
MAN:
Waiter, wine for my friends.
PULL BACK AND REVEAL THE CAST OF FRIENDS
CAST OF FRIENDS:
Cheers.
PULL BACK AND REVEAL CAST OF CHEERS
WAITER:
Moronorm.
CAST OF CHEERS:
Moron Norm!
MAN(to camera):
I think we've blown the budget on the cast.
WAITER:
Certainly not on the script.
VOICEOVER:
This sketch was conceived in front of a live studio audience. They're dead now.