This is the last of the old sketches that I've unearthed and is one I sent to Comic Relief last year.
The sketch features Harry Potter author J.K.Rowling and Little Britain charcter Jeremy Rent played by Matt Lucas. At the time it looked like Harry was going to be killed off which obviously didn't happen in the end but I thought I'd post it here anyway.
In hindsight they could never have used this as it would have revealed what happened in the last of the Potter books.
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AGENT JEREMY RENT'S OFFICE. DAY. JEREMY (MATT LUCAS) IS STANDING BY HIS BOOKCASE TIDYING A SELECTION OF HARRY POTTER BOOKS. HE TREATS THEM WITH REAL CARE AND IS SMILING LOVINGLY. THE INTERCOM BUZZES.
P.A. INTERCOM: J.K.Rowling is here to see you sir.
JEREMY: Thank you Jenny. Can you send her in please.
JEREMY SMARTENS HIMSELF UP AND STANDS READY TO GREET HER. JK ENTERS AND THEY SHAKE HANDS.
JEREMY: It's so good of you to come in JK - I know how busy you are these days.
JK: (LOOKS AT WATCH) Quite.
JEREMY: Now the reason I wanted to speak with you is because I think it's important that we discuss the future. I know you've just finished writing the latest Harry Potter book...
JK: (INTERRUPTING) Sorry. Did you say latest?
JEREMY: (SMILING) That's right.
THERE'S A PAUSE. J.K. LOOKS PUZZLED.
JEREMY: So of course everyone wants to know what's coming next.
JK: Well, I am working on a new book as it happens. It's a psychological thriller set in Prague in 1950s. The cold war is raging and it's an area of history I've always been fascinated by.
JEREMY: Uh-huh
JK: (EXCITED) Yeah. The lead character is called Victoria Lacey and she is embroilled in a bizarre love triangle with a Czechoslovakian diplomat...
JEREMY: OK.
JK: ...and a member of the Russian secret service.
JEREMY: Hmmm...and where does Harry come in?
JK: What?
JEREMY: (LAUGHS) Don't tell me you've forgotten our golden boy? The boy Potter is a time traveller now, right? I like it. Does he rescue this Victoria woman somehow?
JK: Harry has nothing to do with this story. He's not in it.
JEREMY: Not at first obviously - you have to set the scene. Has he taken a year out to go back packing?
JK: No!
JEREMY: (SNIGGERS) Randy little devil!
THERE'S A PAUSE
JK: Look Jeremy, the Harry Potter story is over. Finished.
JEREMY: (CONCERNED) Wh-what?!
JK: He's gone to play in the big Quidditch tournament in the sky.
JEREMY: Y-you're joking, right?
JK: I always said seven books and I've done seven. Story over.
JEREMY: But he's your most popular character. Why get rid of your best asset?
JK: I've told the story - it's finished.
JEREMY: But think of the money...
JK: A-ha! That's what this all about. You're just thinking about the commission you'll be losing!
JEREMY: No, no, no.
JK: Of course you are - it's written all over your face.
CLOSE UP OF JEREMY WITH THE WORDS 'NO COMMISSION' WRITTEN ON HIS FOREHEAD. (DOESN'T SHOW FOR THE REST OF SKETCH)
JEREMY: All right then I am.
JK: (SMUGGLY) Ha! I knew it.
JEREMY: But there's loads more you can do - he's still a young man.
JK: But still rather dead.
JEREMY: Merely a technicality. He's a wizard isn't he? You're supposed to be a creative writer - you can come up with something. You remember what happened to Booby Ewing in Dallas? Just a dream - it fooled everybody.
JK: I don't want to come up with something else. Seven books I said and that's what I've done.
JEREMY: Book 7B?
JK: No!
JEREMY: Book seven part two? How about 7.5?
JK: No!
THERE'S A PAUSE.
JEREMY: I have come up with a few ideas of my own if you're bit stuck. I bet you get a bit of writer's block from time to time.
JK IS SLUMPED IN HER CHAIR LOOKING AWAY FROM JEREMY WITH HER ARMS FOLDED AND IS FUMING.
JEREMY: Harry Potter and the Chariot of Fire?
JK: Eh?
JEREMY: This is great - Harry triumphs against adversity...
JK: i.e. Death.
JEREMY: ...to win the 400m hurdles at the 2012 Olympics...
JK: No!
JEREMY: ...but Hermione drops the baton in the relay.
JK: For God's sake!
JEREMY: You don't like it? How about Harry Potter and the Raiders of the Lost Ark?
JK: You're joking!
JEREMY: We could get Harrison Ford for a supporting role.
JK SLUMPS BACK INTO HER CHAIR AGAIN.
JEREMY: And, of course, we could follow that up with Harry Potter and the Return of the Jedi. We'd really rake up the loot with a Star Wars tie-in.
JK: No, no way and not a chance in that order.
JEREMY: Harry Potter and the Dance of the Seven Veils?
ANOTHER PAUSE.
JEREMY: Y'know, something for the grown-ups (BEAT) No?
JK: (JOKINGLY) What about Harry Potter and the Wizard of Oz.
JEREMY: Y'know, you might have something there - What Harry does at the weekend. He wears a dress, calls himself Dorothy and skips around in ruby slippers.
YET ANOTHER PAUSE AS JK SHAKES HEAD WITH CONTEMPT.
JEREMY: Hmm, maybe not.
ANOTHER PAUSE.
JEREMY: Do you ever want to do something other than writing?
JK: Yeah, sometimes.
JEREMY SPOTS AN OPPORTUNITY. HE OPENS UP A FILE ON HIS DESK.
JEREMY: I bet you wanted to be a pop star as a kid.
JK: Oh yeah! Didn't we all?
JEREMY: Well, I may have something for you then.
JK: (HALF-INTERESTED) Really?
JEREMY: There's a band looking for a new lead singer. They've been very succesful in the past but the singer decided to leave. I think you'd be perfect.
JK STARTS PREENING HERSELF.
JK: Do you really think so? I'd have to have a few singing lessons...
JEREMY: Sure but there's just one other thing you have to do.
JK: What's that?
JEREMY PULLS OUT A FLOPPY HAT AND SLAPS IT ON JK'S HEAD - IT LOOKS RIDICULOUS. DANIEL TURNS ON A CD PLAYER AND JAMIROQUAI'S 'VIRTUAL INSANITY' PLAYS AND FLOOR STARTS MOVING AS PER THE VIDEO.
(see link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJmX1z1NY2c )
JK: (YELLS) STOP!!!
JK TAKES THE HAT OFF - MESSING HER HAIR IN THE PROCESS - AND THROWS IT ON THE FLOOR.
JK: (BEAT) Tell me about this Chariots of Fire idea again.
JEREMY: Well, it's like this...(FADE)
END
