Comedy Drama Script - Scenes 1-3

1. INT: A BOOKIES SHOP - DAY

A TYPICAL SELECTION OF PUNTERS DOTTED AROUND INSIDE. ONE OR TWO WATCHING MONITORS, OTHERS DRINKING COFFEE AND STUDYING THE FORM ON THE NEWSPAPER PAGES ATTACHED TO THE WALLS. THE DOOR OPENS AND BILLY MCALLISTER ENTERS. HE HAS THE LOOK OF A MUSICIAN, DRESSED IN DENIMS WITH HIS HAIR TIED BACK IN A PONY TAIL. HE GOES TO THE SMALL LEDGE THAT RUNS ROUND THE ENTIRE SHOP, TAKES A DOCKET FROM THE DISPENSER AND FILLS IN A BET. HE CROSSES TO THE COUNTER AND PASSES THE SLIP THROUGH THE WINDOW TO EUGENE THE CLERK.

BILLY:
Twenty on Lucky Jo Jo, three thirty at Kempton

EUGENE
I'll need to see the colour of your money Billy

BILLY
No worries Eugene. Fire it on the slate

EUGENE
Sorry Billy but your slate's right out of chalk

BILLY
What are you on about? Sure Mister Hamilton knows that I'm good for it. I'll settle the lot when this comes in.

EUGENE:
Let's see. Twenty at ten to one is two hundred.

BILLY
Aye Dead on

EUGENE
I'm afraid that your slate's chalked up three hundred and fifty. I've orders from Mister Hamilton that there's to be no more credit for you 'til he's had a wee word.

BILLY
Ah go on Eugene. He'll never know and when it wins I'll be able to pay off the balance won't I?

ISAAC HAMILTON ENTERS FROM THE OFFICE BEHIND EUGENE. HE IS IN HIS LATE FORTIES AND VERY SMARTLY DRESSED. HE STARTS TO ADDRESS EUGENE BUT THEN SEES BILLY WHO HAS TRIED TO LOOK INCONSPICUOUS STOOPING BELOW THE COUNTER.

HAMILTON
See those invoices there Eugene...

HE SPOTS BILLY

...Oh McAllister the very man I wanted to see. What are you doing crawling about on the floor there?

BILLY:
Ah what about ye Mister Hamilton. I was just tyin' my laces there.

HAMILTON COMES ROUND THE COUNTER AND LOOKS MEANINGFULLY AT BILLY'S BOOTS. BLACK LEATHER WITH BUCKLES. NO LACES

HAMILTON:
Great stuff McAllister you've saved me a journey. I was going out to look for you later on. Couldn't find you earlier.

HAMILTON LIFTS THE COUNTER FLAP AND GESTURES FOR BILLY TO JOIN HIM BEHIND IT.

BILLY:
Sorry Mister Hamilton I'm in a bit of a hurry. Gotta scoot. Rehearsing with the band y'know. I'll pop back later if that's ok.

BILLY GOES TO LEAVE THE SHOP. HAMILTON NODS TO A LARGE MAN STANDING BY THE WALL.

HAMILTON
Barry!!

BARRY
I think Mister Hamilton wants a wee chat son.

BARRY BLOCKS BILLY'S PATH HAMILTON GRABS BILLY'S SHOULDER

HAMILTON:
You've the cheek of the devil McAllister. Get into that office there I'd like a word in your shell-like, and mind you don't trip on those laces

2.INT: A DINGY REHEARSAL ROOM - DAY

THREE MEMBERS OF A BAND ARE WAITING. DAVEY IS WEARING A GUITAR; SAMMY HAS A BASS GUITAR AND IS FIDDLING WITH HIS AMPLIFIER. THE THIRD PADRAIG, IS SITTING BEHIND A BANK OF KEYBOARDS PRESSING BUTTONS AND DOODLING ON THE KEYS. THERE IS ALSO A DRUM-KIT SET UP WITH NOBODY BEHIND IT. A FOURTH PERSON JONTY IS WITH THEM.

DAVEY
I wonder where he's got to. It's not like him to be late.

SAMMY
I wouldn't worry. He's bound to turn up. Probably doin' a bet

DAVEY
Let's go over to the pub for a quick one. Kill a bit of time. Eh?

JONTY
Here Padraig give's a pen an' I'll leave him a note.

JONTY WRITES THE NOTE AND PINS IT TO THE DOOR AS THEY LEAVE

3. INT: THE BACK OFFICE OF THE BOOKIES SHOP.

HAMILTON IS SITTING BEHIND THE DESK AND BILLY IS IN THE CLIENT'S CHAIR IN FRONT OF HIM.

BILLY
Here Mister Hamilton is this gonna take long? I've the boys in the band waiting for me in the studio

HAMILTON
That depends on you Ringo.

BILLY
If it's about the slate I was gonna come and see you about that.

HAMILTON:
Aye I bet you were.

BILLY
Honest. I was really.

HAMILTON OPENS THE DESK DRAWER AND LIFTS OUT A CIGAR FROM A BOX INSIDE. HE LIGHTS THE CIGAR WITH A GOLD LIGHTER AND TAKES A LONG PUFF, LEANING BACK IN THE SEAT, BLOWING THE SMOKE TOWARDS THE CEILING

HAMILTON:
Now this slate thing Ringo let me refresh your memory about the way it works. Last month you came in here and had twenty on a horse that won at seven to one

BILLY
Yeah I remember

HAMILTON
So do I. I got Eugene to pay you a hundred and forty notes despite the fact that you never handed him the twenty in the first place. Never mind the hundred you owed me already

BILLY
So you did

HAMILTON:
You see son the slate system's all about being honourable isn't it?

BILLY:
Well yeah like....

HAMILTON:
Well now. You've not had a winner since then. But it hasn't stopped you placing bets though has it?

BILLY:
No

HAMILTON:
That's because I'm a man of honour. But now son, you're taking the piss. I've had a look at the books and you owe me over a grand and there seems no way that I'm gonna get it back. Well not unless I keep on subbing you until you get a big winner. Then you can pay me back the money that you never had in the first place. Have I got it right?

BILLY:
It's not a grand! Eugene just told me its three fifty

HAMILTON:
Eugene hasn't added the interest

BILLY:
What interest?

HAMILTON:
The interest that's in my interest to add. I'm not a charity here

BILLY:
What's the rate then... the APR?

HAMILTON:
The rate's whatever rate I fancy and as I said your bill's over the grand and I want it settled. So cough up drummer boy

BILLY LOOKS CORNERED. HE STARES AT HAMILTON THEN THE FLOOR, FIDDLING RESTLESSLY WITH THE BUTTONS OF HIS JACKET

BILLY:
I don't have it at the minute mister Hamilton

THERE IS A SILENCE IN THE ROOM. HAMILTON PUFFS HIS CIGAR AND BILLY LOOKS SULLEN.

HAMILTON:
You haven't got it but you had no bother trying to get another twenty outta Eugene until I stepped in just now

BILLY
I thought that if I stuck it on the horse I woulda been back in funds again an' I woulda been able to pay you back some of the debt

HAMILTON
You know Ringo. I should get Barry in here, let him try a wee bit of his gentle persuasion techniques on you. He's a Bhuddist you know?

BILLY:
Come on Mister Hamilton just give's a week to come up with the dough. I'll get it so I will. Honest

HAMILTON
If I gave you a week I'd still be a grand down and we'd be back to square one. I've a better idea. There's a way that'll get you off the hook and wipe the slate clean into the bargain. It'll also preserve your boyish good looks for that wee girl of yours.

BILLY (perking up)
Just name it Isaac. . .I mean Mr hamilton. Anything

HAMILTON
Well as a matter of fact it involves that band of yours. I hear you are off on a tour down south. ( pauses ) Away you go off to your rehearsal and when you're finished go up to the Viking for a pint and I'll join you all for a word up there, say about six or so

BILLY GETS UP QUICKLY AND MAKES FOR THE DOOR TRIPPING OVER THE CHAIR AS HE GOES

HAMILTON:
Watch those laces there Ringo. I need you in good shape.

BILLY (laughing nervously)
Aye sure thing mister Hamilton. See you in a bit

HE OPENS THE DOOR AND GOES BACK OUT THROUGH THE SHOP PAST A BEWILDERED BARRY WHO MAKES TO STOP HIM. HAMILTON COMES OUT OF HIS OFFICE AND NODS TO BARRY TO INDICATE THAT IT OK TO LET BILLY LEAVE.

4.INT VIKING PUB - Evening.

THE BAND SITTING AT A TABLE EXCEPT FOR BILLY WHO IS AT THE BAR GETTING THE DRINKS IN. IAN THE BARMAN COMES OVER TO SERVE HIM

IAN
Yes Billy what'll it be?

BILLY
Five pints Ian

IAN GOES TO PULL THE PINTS AND WHEN HE HAS LINED THEM UP HE GESTURES TO BILLY TO BEND DOWN CLOSE TO HIM IN A CONSPIRATORIAL MANNER

IAN:
It's none of my business Billy, but what have you been up to recently? I had Isaac Hamilton and two of his goons in here lookin' for you earlier on

BILLY
I know he caught up with me in the bookies

IAN:
Looks as if he's caught up with you again

HAMILTON ENTERS THE PUB. HE IS WEARING A DIFFERENT EXPENSIVE SUIT. THERE IS GOLD ROLEX ON HIS WRIST AND HIS TIE IS SPORTING A TIE PIN WITH SOME KIND OF GEMSTONE IN IT. IT LOOKS AS IF HE IS GOING OUT ON SOME BUSINESS. HE IS ACCOMPANIED BY BARRY AND ANOTHER THICK SET MAN. SEEING BILLY TALKING TO IAN HE GESTURES FOR HIS MINDERS TO TAKE A SEAT BY THE DOOR AND HE STRIDES TOWARDS THE BAR.

HAMILTON
Ah! ... The man himself ... we meet again Ringo.

BILLY
Mr Hamilton how goes it ... Ian here was just tellin' me that you'd been in earlier lookin' to see me and I was tellin' him we met up earlier.

BILLY TRIES TO BE NONCHALANT BUT IS OBVIOUSLY VERY NERVOUS, SO MUCH SO, THAT HE KNOCKS ONE OF THE PINTS THAT IAN HAS JUST POURED, ALL OVER THE BAR

HAMILTON
We're a wee bit jumpy tonight aren't we?

BILLY
Not at all ... (to Ian) Give's another pint of Harp there Ian ...just clumsy ... always been my problem that.

HAMILTON
Is that a fact?... I'd a thought clumsiness was no attribute for a drummer to have. Cool co-ordination's the thing surely?

BILLY IS UNDER PRESSURE.

HAMILTON
Right down to business. I said earlier I want a word with you all.

HE INDICATES THE OTHER BAND MEMBERS SITTING AT A TABLE IN THE CORNER

HAMILTON
Away and have a seat with the other Beatles and I'll be with you in a minute ... I'm away for a pee first. A large Jameson Ian.

IAN:
Sure thing mister Hamilton ... on the house.

BILLY:
That's very kind of you Ian cheers.

IAN
Never mind cheers you! That'll be eleven pound forty if you don't mind.

HAMILTON GOES OFF TO THE GENTS. BILLY PAYS IAN AND CARRIES THE DRINKS OVER TO THE OTHERS. HE SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE LOOKING WORRIED.

JONTY
You look like you've just seen a ghost?

BILLY
I meant to tell you at rehearsal but it slipped my mind. Isaac Hamilton wants a word with us. He's gonna be joining us in a minute.

JONTY
What have you been up to Billy?

BILLY
Nothin'

JONTY
Hamilton doesn't want you for nothin' ... there must be some kind of reason now. Do you owe him? I'm outta here

JONTY GETS UP TO GO, NOT NOTICING THAT HAMILTON HAS COME UP BEHIND HIM ON HIS WAY BACK FROM THE GENTS. HAMILTON PLACES A HAND ON JONTY'S SHOULDER

HAMILTON
Freeze Jonty! Don't you be headin' off anywhere. You're involved in this ... as a matter of fact you're all involved in it.

HE SITS DOWN WITH THEM

JONTY
Och Mr Hamilton how goes it? I didn't see you there

HAMILTON:
Obviously! Right lads there's a wee favour that I want doin' and you're the very boys that can do it.

HE KNOCKS BACK THE WHISKY AND LOOKS AT THEM ALL

HAMILTON
Same again Ian and what ever the Beatles are havin' ...on my tab.

IAN
Right ye be mister Hamilton.

THERE IS A SILENCE ROUND THE TABLE. HAMILTON CAN SEE THAT THEY ARE ALL VERY NERVOUS. HE FLASHES A SMILE AT THEM

HAMILTON
Relax lads ... you're not in trouble ... not yet anyway.

BILLY
What do you want us for? How can we help you?

HAMILTON:
Help's the very word I'd use. Well Ringo it's like this. My sources tell me that you fellas are all off for a wee jaunt round the South with your group ... right?

BILLY
Yes that's true Mr Hamilton no law against that though is there?.

HAMILTON
Indeed there's not. Matter of fact I'm all for cross border relations. It's the very reason that you're in a position to help me.

BILLY
I don't follow you there.

IAN ARRIVES AT THE TABLE WITH THE DRINKS. THE CONVERSATION IS TEMPORARILY SUSPENDED UNTIL HE HAS OFF-LOADED THE TRAY. THEY WATCH HIM MAKE HIS WAY BACK TO THE BAR.

HAMILTON
Now where were we?. Oh yes you don't follow me isn't that it

BILLY:
Well then?

HAMILTON:
I believe that one of the gigs you're to do is in Cork. In a club called the Shabeen isn't that right?

BILLY:
How do you know that?

HAMILTON:
There's very little that I don't know round these parts. Anyhow that's how you can help. There's this package that'll be passed on to you when you're at the Shabeen. All you have to do is hold onto it, put it away in your van and bring it back to little old me. Easy as peein' down a drain but not half as dirty. What do you say?

BILLY:
I don't think so Mr Hamilton. I don't like the sound of it. I mean we've such a busy schedule that we'd have no time for all that.

HAMILTON
Nonsense Ringo. You lot don't have to do a thing. My contacts are doin' all the work. All you have to do is put it with your gear on the van and bring it back

JONTY
Couldn't you get a few of your lads to go and get it instead?

HAMILTON
You guys aren't listening are you? My mind's made up you're the ones doing it.

HAMILTON'S MOBILE RINGS

HAMILTON
Yes right... I'll be right there. (to Billy) Look I've gotta go. I've made up my mind and I'll be in touch soon. I suggest that you explain your predicament to these lads

HE LEAVES

JONTY
What does he mean your predicament Billy? Jesus you owe him a money don't you?

BILLY
Sort of

JONTY
Sort of how much?

BILLY
A grand plus

JONTY:
Shit.

CUT TO:

5.INT: THE FOYER OF A LUXURY HOTEL - NIGHT

HAMILTON IS IN CONVERSATION WITH A MAN WITH A SWARTHY COMPLEXION. THEY ARE SITTING AT A TABLE HAVING A DRINK AND ARE SPEAKING QUIETLY

HAMILTON
Yes mister Du Pre I've just left them earlier. They've just been hired so to speak.

Du PRE:
You are sure that they've no idea?

HAMILTON:
None whatsoever.

Du PRE:
I have invested a lot of time and effort in this. It had better not go wrong.

HAMILTON:
It won't go wrong. Holy Thomas is as good as back home. Believe me the plan is fool proof. They'll have no idea what it is. I've not gone into details. All they know is that it's a package and that it's not to be opened.

Du PRE
And you say that they are a group of musicians?

HAMILTON:
Yes that's right It's the perfect cover.

DU PRE PRESSES HIS HAND EITHER SIDE OF HIS NOSE AS IF IN DEEP THOUGHT. HE SMILES AS IF HE IS CONVINCED

Du PRE
Very good mister Hamilton. Shall we eat?

HAMILTON:
I think we will. The food here is wonderful just like home from home for you. The chef, Henri, is a personal friend of mine. His Poulet avec champignons et les truffles is to die for.

BOTH MEN GET UP AND MAKE THEIR WAY TOWARDS THE HOTEL RESTAURANT:

CUT TO:

I enjoyed it, I suspect if I caught it on TV I'd stick with it. i found it very easy to visualise, which i guess - if i were a production guru - would be an enormous plus point.

Maybe you could have one less joke about his non-existent laces. Also, his band could be utter shite rather than 'having one or two numbers that need tightening'. i've read that when you're writing comedy you should take stuff to the extreme as there's more riding on everyone's actions. on second thoughts, they could be brilliant and on the brink of a deal so Billy's absence threatens their progress..?

I'm probably overthinking it, but there you go. i'm curious to know what happens in the rest of the script, which can only be a good thing.

I liked it. If it's weapons that Hamilton wants them to smuggle, that could be a bit dated with the New Peace. If it's drugs, could I have some?
Post some more, please.

Thanks for the positive feedback on this Scott and Job:

It was the first thing I ever wrote and I still like the story very much. I have gone back to it over the years but have never really made any major changes because of that.

Good to see that you both would like to see more so I will get another section up over the next week.

Cheers B

This really held my attention. This extract was very fluent and not cliché which I found very refreshing. This has all the hallmarks of becoming something very special and I hope you’ll be able to get another production company to take it on. By the way, is there any chance of you posting another couple of scenes?

Hi Baumski

Thanks for your comments and glad you like this.

I am currently doing a little bit of a tidy up and minor rewrites and will have the next few scenes up in a day or so.

It's encouraging to have positive feedback on something and these comments have made me think seriously about trying to punt this around again.

Thanks again B

Normally when reading a sitcom script I give it a scene 2 max, I didnt even have to try and read this I enjoyed it, I understand this is a comedy drama but I feel there could be more funny stuff in this but this could be brought out by billy's tripping over things and generally been nervous.

Hi Blenkinsop

Thumbs up from me too. I didn't really want to read it as you'd put it was comedy drama and, like you said, it was a light feel rather than out-and-out sitcom but it was still easy to read, funny and kept the story going by getting to the point quickly in each scene.

Excellent.

Dan

Thanks Paul and Swerytd for the comments.

I'm heavily involved in re-writes with this, as the positive reaction has rekindled my belief in the project.

I'm at a tricky bit at the moment that needs heavy editing and condensing down - from like about 12 pages to 3-4. (Serious overwriting has been going on in the past) I think that a year or so writing sketches has taught me brevity but I don't want to lose a key element of the story so it's proving tricky.

Will post more soon

Cheers B.

Hey Blenkinsop

Just found this on Writers' Room which sounds like the perfect thing for this script! Set in Ireland by writers new to the medium!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/writersroom/opportunity/tonydoyle.shtml

Go on! You know you want to!

Dan

Blenkinsop, I will be very disappointed if you find reasons not to check out the link. I imagine all that's needed is a synopsis/treatment which, in this case at least, shouldn't be too difficult as your style is very fluid. Personally, it would be a shame to let this opportunity slide.

Hi Swerytd & Baumski

Thanks for thinking of me on this and I've PM'd you both on the situation.

Cheers again. B

Hi Blenkinsop, sorry haven't had a chance to read this until now. Pretty much agree with what's been said already but would add that, and I'm not sure why, I didn't really think it would be my cup of tea from the first few paragraphs. Having said that, I kept going, partly because I enjoyed the writing, and, once I realised Mr Hamilton didn't want them to play at his daughters wedding, I was being drawn in and wanted to know what happened next. Good stuff.

Just recently stumbled across this forum and I had a read of the scenes you posted - it was good, I enjoyed it. The only thing that I would say is it would work better if Billy who's claiming to be skint had to borrow money off a bandmate to pay for the drinks instead of seemingly have the £12.40. Easily as good opening scenes as anything on TV currently. I would also try and make the package to be something NOT as obvious as weapons or drugs. You want to put something in there that creates a bigger mystery. Like for instance when someone takes a look inside it, expecting it to be the obvious, they go, "What the f---?"
Just a thought or two that's all....

Quote: Enzo @ January 17, 2007, 12:46 PM

I would also try and make the package to be something NOT as obvious as weapons or drugs.
Just a thought or two that's all....

View original

Now that's a very good suggestion. A bit like Pulp Fiction where the package was a briefcase and the contents remained a mystery. All we knew about it was a strange golden glow that emanated from it whenever it was opened.