Inappropriate Presenter

Just a quick sketch, let me know what you think.

Jake
We've got a packed show today on Blue Peter Extra, were kids get to say what they really think. And here’s what’s coming up. Learn how to "roll up" with Lizzie (CAMERA CUTS TO LIZZIE WHO PUTS HER THUMBS UP TO CAMERA) Learn how to edit your favourite "Happy Slap" videos with Jez. (CAMERA CUTS TO JEZ WHO PUTS HIS THUMBS UP TO CAMERA) But first we learn how to make your very own "Ganja Plant", with me Jake.

(TITLE MUSIC WITH PICTURES TO ILLUSTRATE WHATS COMING UP)

Jake
Now it’s the time of the show to learn how to make your very own weed plantation for that “special one.” Maybe your Mum or Dad or even your own children. If they're in the room tell them to F**k off. (LAUGHS) We don’t want to ruin that special surprise, now do we? If they refuse to leave use that homemade penknife we made last week.

(CAMERA CUTS TO A LIVING ROOM, WERE A MOTHER, FATHER AND CHILD ARE SITTING THEY ARE WATCHING THE TV, MOTHER AND FATHER SIT THEIR OPENED MOUTHED AND CHILD SITS THEIR SMILING AWAY, MOTHER JUMPS UP TO TURN OFF TV)

Mother
I can’t believe that, Blue Peter hasn’t half changed since I was a little Girl.

Father
I know, all we got was a shitting Elephant.

You don't need the explanation at the start.

Also after the Happy Slap I'm sure you can find something more inappropriate than the hoodie. Maybe something about drugs - grow your own etc.

I liked the idea though and the punchline.

I really liked this and enjoyed the last line - a great TV moment replayed in my head, and that's an art as you squeezed a laugh from the line in your sketch AND from the actual real-life incident.

Maybe you can compress the info you're passing over to the viewer more succintly. I'd use more contractions in the dialogue ('We have got' to 'We've got'). I'd drop the show titles as they're not adding anything funny, they just delay getting into the gags. And make the below tighter:

Quote: Paul Carroll @ January 25, 2008, 11:11 AM

Jake
Hello and welcome to the show I am Jake “The ASBO” Davies and this is Blue Peter Extra, were kids get to say what they really think.

(TITLE INTRO AND MUSIC)

Jake
We have got a packed show today and here’s what’s coming up ...

View original

Compress to:

Quote: Paul Carroll @ January 25, 2008, 11:11 AM

Jake:
We've got a packed show today on Blue Peter Extra, were kids get to say what they really think. And here’s what’s coming up.

View original

I think introducing his name at the beginning and the end of his opening post-credit blurb is overkill. I'd leave the reference to his name at the end of that paragraph or even drop it. His name is really unimportant to the gags or the sketch as a total. Yes, sometimes the name is important but it isn't the rule.

You also confused "they're" and "their" throughout the sketch. Be aware that a script editor would not be amused and it is one of THE key mistakes in a script that editors will use as an excuse to drop it. One of the others being who, whose, and who's.

But Paul, I did like this a lot.

You been watchin early 80's shows with Ben Elton ?

I was just about to try to think of something positive to say about the sketch then I read the last line. Brilliant. Me and my stupid pre-judging brain >_< The double meaning makes the punchline even better.

I would cut some bits as all the audience need to know is that the presenter is showing them how to grow/roll ganja. The dad wouldn't really be jealous of happy slapping and hoodies.

Good sketch

Nice sketch.

Needs a little bit of tightening up, but that doesn't detract from it being funny.

Your sketches seem to be pretty good from what I've seen. The fact that you're only 17 makes them even better. You should do well, but just make sure you keep at it!

Good sketch, Paul - well done mate.

I would just like to add (and I can't believe Slag missed it ) that you are spelling 'where' as 'were'. Such a minor point and I'm sorry to seem picky, but these things, as SlagA said, are important when it comes to sending things off to the people that matter.

Anyway, the most important thing right now is that it was a good sketch and very funny.

Quote: ian_w @ January 26, 2008, 2:12 AM

I can't believe Slag missed it

View original

I did too, and I usually have eagle-eyes when it comes to errors in scripts.

That's a hint for any companies looking for an editor ... although if you are, please discount my above error.

Didn't realise you were 17 Paul, kudos.

The fact that you're writing material of this quality at half my age sends me into a pitiful shame spiral. Keep it up, Paul (the writing I mean, not depressing the hell out of us thirty somethings).

Hi Paul

This illustrates a point quite well that some of us on here sometimes bring up.

What if somebody nicks my material? Now I'm not saying you've actually nicked my material as I honestly believe that this is a coincidence. True the sketches are not exactly the same but the tone and basic idea are fairly similar.

If you submit something to somebody like the Beeb they will say that if they have something similar in production then that's the way the cookie crumbles and you can't call foul.

I think that sometimes we can all be a bit paranoid about our material but this kind of thing shows that sometimes great minds do think alike.

No offence intended here btw and I really love your shitting elephant tag-line . I'll paste the link

https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/560#5846

PS I once submitted a sketch to a production company about 4 years ago which was a lot of boys in Eton uniforms talking street talk and being the exact opposite of what you'd expect. Then Armstrong and Miller come along with their brilliant chav pilots. Terribly similar and all that but I bet nobody'd want my sketch now.

There ain't nuthin that's entirely new.

Mm, I thought I recognised the concept.

Yeah, it was ok!