I've found some discarded dialogue from a couple of years ago from my sitcom script.
I've just tweaked it to tighten it up a bit. It may amuse so let me know what you think.
To set the scene, Steven, Frank and Julia have been watching TV and Steven has been slagging off anyone on screen and implying he's better than everyone he sees. Frank has called Steven arrogant which was meant to be derogratory but Steven actually rather likes it.
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STEVEN: You shouldn't knock arrogance - it's a useful quality to have. It's a belief in yourself.
FRANK: Oh really. Let's have a look at the old Taurus shall we...
PICKS UP BOOK FROM A SHELF
STEVEN: Tauraus is an astrological sign. The word you're searching for is Thesaurus.
SNATCHES BOOK OUT OF FRANK'S HANDS AND BEGINS FLICKING THROUGH IT
FRANK: (SINGING) I am the eggman, they are the eggmen, I am Thesaurus...
STEVEN: Here we are: Arrogant...
FRANK: ...Goo-goo-ga-joob!.
STEVEN: Shut up (BEAT) Right, arrogant...aloof, bossy, conceited, disdainful, egotistic, insolent, know-it-all, overbearing, pompous, self-important, smug, (TURNS PAGE) snooty, snotty, stuck up, uppity and vain.
FRANK: ...or as I prefer: A git.
STEVEN: Interesting. That could be Neil Peters CV.
JULIA: Aww, What have you got against Neil? He's lovely.
STEVEN: Lovely? He's shagging my wife!
JULIA: But your separated from Selina now. Life goes on. There's plenty more fish in the sea
JULIA GIVES STEVEN 'A LOOK' IMPLYING AVAILABILITY.
STEVEN: Well, he's just too darn perfect isn't he. He has the money, he has the looks, he's as fit as Linford Christie at his peak with a todger to match, no doubt.
FRANK: Basically, everything you're not (WINKS)
STEVEN: Look, my underpants aren't that roomy I'll have you know.
JULIA: But women want more in a man
STEVEN: Are we still talking in terms of inches here or are we going deeper...actually that sounds worse.
FRANK: Life's one long double entendre to you isn't it?
STEVEN: Long? Double entry? Hark who's talking
FRANK: Innuendo then.
STEVEN: In your end - Oooo! You can't help it can you - you're no better than me.
FRANK: Right, that's it. I'm going home.
THERE'S A PAUSE WHILE STEVEN CONSIDERS IF THE SENTENCE HAS ANOTHER SEXUAL REFERENCE.
STEVEN: You see? You can do it.
FRANK: Bugger off!
STEVEN: Sorry, that was another one.
FRANK EXITS SLAMMING THE DOOR.
