Some more one liners

In their own thread...

Ok - my first foray into posting some material. Just a few one-liners I thought of on the tube the other day...

At long last they’re making a sequel to white men can’t jump. It’s called black men can’t ski

What do blind people call it when they go on a date with someone they don’t know?

My wife’s had a hard time of it of late, so I got her one of those red letter days. Nothing too fancy, just a final demand from BT

A friend offered me tickets for the Beta Band for £20. I said f—k that, I’m not paying to see a band that’s still in testing

I told my dad I was going to quit my job to try comedy. He said ‘son, are you trying to be funny?’

I don’t know if you can tell, but I used to be gay. I paid £200 which got me a rent boy for 20 minutes. In hindsight, it sounds like a bum deal.

I went to the school disco in Hammersmith the other day. Great fun, loads of fit girls, but sadly I’m on the sex offenders list now

There are 6 million bicycles in Beijing. There were 8 million, but Ryanair recently stared flying there from Liverpool

Sharp lines here. I'm getting deja vu today.

Sorry to come down on you Bard, but thanks for starting a new thread.

You have some good one liners there... "I told my dad I was going to quit my job to try comedy. He said ‘son, are you trying to be funny?’" - Bob Monkhouse has a similar one liner: When I told people I was going to be a comedian they laughed, well look who's laughing now.

The rest were good, didn't quite get the last one about bikes, but hey I've only been up 30 minutes.

And your Beta Band joke might be more for geeks like myself, but all in all, I liked them.

Are you going to be trying them out on stage?

I got the bikes one but I had to think twice. Maybe rewording is called for.

I might perform some, but I tend to write for Lurkio (who has just joined here as well). He's my safety net...

My favourite, which I didn't add first time and would be part of a wider segment, is:

As a kid I hated my privileged middle class upbringing so much that I started to self harm. Sometimes I’d go a whole week without moisturising.

I got the bike one straight away, they were all very good Barbs.
Somebody on the site will always say that somebody else said something similar, The irony that their critique is unoriginal, falls on stoney ground.

Quote: Jerf Roberwitz @ January 24, 2008, 1:11 PM

I got the bike one straight away, they were all very good Barbs.
Somebody on the site will always say that somebody else said something similar, The irony that their critique is unoriginal, falls on stoney ground.

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nope

(c) Godot Taxis

Quote: Barbs @ January 24, 2008, 12:37 PM

As a kid I hated my privileged middle class upbringing so much that I started to self harm. Sometimes I’d go a whole week without moisturising.

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The Middle Class one killed, by the way.

I love the others, but they don't fit with the rest of my act.

I don't think I'd heard the Beijing one, but that's my favourite.

In fact that might work with my Madeline McCann stuff!

Lord help me, but I liked the blind date joke.

Quote: Barbs @ January 24, 2008, 12:37 PM

As a kid I hated my privileged middle class upbringing so much that I started to self harm. Sometimes I’d go a whole week without moisturising.

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Now thats a f**king funny joke

You're first lot lacked a bit in their execution. The material was good, it just has to be reworked except the Beta Band joke which made me smile (which is rare).

Quote: Jerf Roberwitz @ January 24, 2008, 1:11 PM

The irony

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Are you Colonel Walter E. Kurtz?

Quote: David Bussell @ January 24, 2008, 2:28 PM

Lord help me, but I liked the blind date joke.

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Hmm - writing a less funny joke to order: What do dumb people get struck when shocked? And how would they tell us?

Thanks for all the feedback - nice to know that, on the whole, they're along the right lines.

Quote: Lurkio @ January 24, 2008, 1:35 PM

The Middle Class one killed, by the way.

I love the others, but they don't fit with the rest of my act.

I don't think I'd heard the Beijing one, but that's my favourite.

In fact that might work with my Madeline McCann stuff!

View original

You'll love the rest of Barbs' stuff then. He hates the disableds for some reason.

Are you having a schizophrenic conversation on a forum?

Thats what I was thinking