Blind Date skit

I found the following (2 year old) sketch a couple of days ago and thought it was pretty dreadful overall with a couple of OK lines.

After personally lambasting it I was encouraged to post it...so I did.

Surprisingly, Mannikin Bird seemed to like it so I thought I'd post it again and put it in its proper place to read and crit.

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RESTAURANT TOILET. INT. EVENING.

SHEILA IS IN THE LOO IN THE MIDST OF A BAD BLIND DATE AND IS PLOTTING AN ESCAPE.

Sheila:
Oh why did I agree to this blind date? 'Tall, dark and handsome with a tasty six pack' is what the advert said. I was all ready to introduce the owner of that description to the underside of my duvet. Bronzed Adonis? That's a laugh - no wonder he said he wanted someone with a sense of humour.

FX: TOILET FLUSHING, FOOTSTEPS, HAND DRYER BLOWING

Sheila:
It's no good, I can't hide in the loo all night waiting to see if he develops a personality. Where's the phone?

WE CAN HEAR THE BLEEPS OF THE PHONE AS SHE TAPS IN THE NUMBER.

Sheila:
Hello? It's Sheila - I need rescuing. (BEAT) Yeah, blind date with a blind drunk. Newspaper ad implied Brad Pitt but reality has dealt me a Johnny Vegas minus the sophistication. Can you come over? Cheers.

Woman:
Excuse me - is everything all right? I couldn't help overhearing...

Sheila:
Hmmm? Oh, yeah I'm fine. It's just that I've been, shall we say, misinformed as to what my date looks like this evening. (BEAT) Take a look at his picture.

Woman:
(SURPRISE) Ooo! Very nice!

Sheila:
Oh, but this isn't him - not strictly speaking anyway. He's had the photo doctored hasn't he. Those teeth aren't his for starters - they‘re not even the right colour.

Sheila:
(SIGHS) Better get back out there. At least I know the escape party is on its way.

SHEILA LEAVES THE TOILET AND RETURNS TO THE RESTAURANT. WE CAN HEAR SOUNDS OF DINERS TALKING AND THE TINKLING OF CUTTLERY AND CROCKERY.

Sheila (VO):
Right, where is he? Can't see him...

Sheila (VO):
(EXCITED)...but I can see an open door which looks way more attractive!

Paul:
(IN THE DISTANCE) Oi Sheila! Sheila! Over 'ere darlin‘!

Sheila (VO):
(DESPONDENT) Uuuuhhh!

Paul:
Our table's ready now - come and park yer bum.

Sheila:
(SARCASTIC) Oh, you’re too kind.

Sheila:
Tell me, where does this place keep its fire escapes?

PAUL SLURPS A DRINK AS HE TALKS

Paul:
Dunno - Why?

Sheila:
I’m very safety conscious. I like to know that I can make a quick exit should I need to.

Paul:
Don't you worry sweetheart - I'm here to protect you. The only fire you need worry about is the one burning in my pants! Woof!

Sheila:
(UNIMPRESSED) Hmmm, I hope you won't be offended if I don't warm my hands around 'your fire' will you?

Paul:
Shame. (BEAT) Still, the night is young - heh heh.

Paul:
I've taken the liberty of ordering for you. I've just asked for a few nibbles and a glass of tap water. We don't want you getting any fatter do we?

Sheila (VO):
Fatter?! You obnoxious git!

Sheila:
Oh, how thoughtful! What are you having?

Paul:
Steak.

Sheila (VO):
What?! Kind, considerate and generous your ad said! Pah!

Paul:
I must say Sheila that you are looking HOT tonight!

Sheila:
Er, thanks.

Paul:
Yeah, that’s quite a sweat problem you have there. I like it though - makes you look kinda ‘earthy’.

Sheila:
Earthy.

Paul:
Yeah. A free spirit. A woman of the world. Someone who’s been around a bit.

Sheila:
Tell me, has anyone ever told you that you have a poetic way with words?

Paul:
Nah.

Sheila:
I thought not.

WE HEAR A RAISED VOICE IN THE BACKGROUND BUT CAN”T HEAR WHAT IS BEING SAID.

Rachel:
(OUT OF BREATH) Sheila, I got here as fast as I could.

Paul:
(IN THE VOICE OF LESLIE PHILIPS) Hello-o!

Sheila:
Shut up! This is Rachel Tomms from Trading Standards. She’d like a word about the content of your Lonely Hearts advert.

Paul:
Eh?

Rachel:
Paul Spencer, I am acting on behalf of Sheila Andrews who claims that your advert in ‘Sado Singles’ in last Thursday’s Chorlton Advertiser contravenes the Trades Descriptions Act 1968 and the Malicious Communications Act 1988 which prohibits the sending or delivering of letters or other articles with the purpose of causing distress or anxiety.

Paul:
You what?

WE HEAR A RUSTLE OF PAPER

Rachel:
For instance, you describe yourself as ‘A bronzed Adonis’. Tell me, is that your body you‘re sitting in?

Paul:
Of course it is!

Rachel:
Well, it’s not good enough. If you had presented yourself as dirty instead of bronzed we would’ve found that acceptable.

Paul:
Dirty?!

Rachel:
We also suggest you replace the term ‘Adonis’ with ‘A donkey’.

Paul:
You want me to describe myself as (BEAT) ‘a dirty donkey’?

Rachel:
Correct. Your whole advert is littered with inaccuracies....

Paul:
This is rich - what about her ad then? You’re not telling me she's a a size 12 - not unless she's referring to the size of her feet.

Rachel:
(UNBELIEVING) You said you were a size 12?

Sheila:
Er...

Rachel:
Weights and Measures Act 1985 - that's a CLEAR contravention.

Sheila:
Now just a minute...

Rachel:
You could also do her under the Misrepresentation Act 1967...

Paul:
Good!

Rachel:
No, sorry - that's only in Northern Ireland

Paul:
Oh…

Sheila:
You…you fart!

Paul:
Don’t you call me a fart!

Sheila:
No, I mean, YOU fart…

Rachel:
Ah, the Explosive Acts, 1875 and 1923...

Paul:
EVERBODY farts - it’s a normal bodily function

Sheila:
Yeah, but it would’ve been nice if you made more of an effort to, well…contain it.

Rachel:
Hmmm, that would come under the 1974 Control of Pollution Act.

Paul:
Ha! If we’re gonna talks about pollution what about that fragrance you wear! I didn't realise Sellafield had a perfume counter.

Rachel:
(COUGHS) Poisons Act 1972

Sheila:
Look, I’ve had enough of this - I’m leaving!

Paul:
Good! I just about to ask the waiter if I could order an oxygen tent!

Sheila:
Before I go there’s just one last thing I must ask.

Paul:
What’s that?

Sheila:
Some people are deluded - like yourself - and think that they are better looking than they really are but how on earth could you claim to have ‘a tasty six pack’? There’s enough blubber on you to keep an Eskimo family going all winter.

Paul:
Tasty six pack?

Sheila:
Yeah.

Paul:
I wasn’t talking about my physique you silly woman, I was talking about beer!

THERE”S A CLUNK AS SIX TINS OF BEER HIT THE TABLE. WE HEAR TWO RING PULLS GO

Paul:
Get yer laughing gear round that!

END

Loved the Rachel character popping up with legislation, that was the highlight of the piece for me; took a bit too long to pick up to that though for me...maybe you could trim it down a little bit? The ending, for me, was a bit weak though...maybe because at the first mention of 6-pack in toilets I was waiting for the beers joke, and then was relieved when it didn't come because it seems "too easy".

But overall I thought it was a decent effort, I was getting into it and hoping I wouldn't be disappointed...the Acts of Parliament didn't disappoint, and maybe your big finish could be related to that in some way?

You could pop that in an envelope, as is, and sell it mate. On this site we are expected to write in sketch format, which is nessessary for the 'actors' but detracts from the 'read' ( if you are not a pro') It would be hilarious,both as a chapter in a book, and a sketch on TV. I see you are a new boy , but you can go top of the class.

Well, many thanks my friend!

I sent this off to Bearded Ladies a couple of years ago but heard nothing.

Reading it again the other day I felt the start was too long winded with some dodgy dialogue and felt it was pretty crap overall. However, I did quite like the trades descriptions stuff towards the end so maybe all it needs is a re-write.

I am a newby on here but I started writing comedy (sporadically) with the BBC Last Laugh comp in 2005. I have a sitcom pilot I'm handing around and I today submitted a sketch to News Revue.

I've just got the bug again so it's all very exciting.

Yep Racheal is a fantabulous character. I really like her. Thumbs up Mate.

I've edited this as it was wa-ay too long.

Would be interested if you think if it works better now.

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BLIND DATE LEGISLATION

THERE IS TABLE SET FOR A CANDLELIGHT DINNER WITH A SLOVENLY GUY (PAUL) SAT SLOUCHED IN ONE OF THE CHAIRS. ELEGANTLY DRESSED SHEILA APPROACHES WHISPERING AGGITATEDLY INTO A MOBILE PHONE. AS SHE REACHES THE TABLE SHE HANGS UP AND SMILES WEAKLY. SHE SITS AND TAKES A SIP FROM A GLASS OF WINE.

PAUL:
You took your time. Didn’t realise powdering your nose could take so long. Just how much have you snorted?

SHEILA NEARLY CHOKES.

SHEILA:
Not enough, clearly.

WE HEAR A RAISED VOICE IN THE BACKGROUND BUT CAN”T HEAR WHAT IS BEING SAID.

RACHEL:
(OUT OF BREATH) Sheila, I got here as fast as I could.

SHEILA:
Thank god! Paul? This is Rachel Tomms from Trading Standards. She’d like a word about the content of your Lonely Hearts advert.

PAUL:
Eh?

RACHEL:
Paul Spencer, I am acting on behalf of Sheila Andrews who claims that your advert in ‘Sado Singles’ in last Thursday’s Chorlton Advertiser contravenes the Trades Descriptions Act 1968 and the Malicious Communications Act 1988 which prohibits the sending or delivering of letters or other articles with the purpose of causing distress or anxiety.

PAUL:
You what?

RACHEL READS FROM THE NEWSPAPER.

RACHEL:
For instance, you describe yourself as ‘A bronzed Adonis’. Tell me, is that your body you‘re sitting in?

PAUL:
Of course it is!

RACHEL:
Well, it’s not good enough. If you had presented yourself as dirty instead of bronzed we would’ve found that acceptable.

PAUL:
Dirty?!

RACHEL:
We also suggest you replace the term ‘Adonis’ with ‘A donkey’.

PAUL:
You want me to describe myself as ‘a dirty donkey’?

RACHEL:
If you want to avoid prosecution, yes. Your whole advert is littered with inaccuracies....

PAUL:
This is rich - what about her ad then? You’re not telling me she’s a a size 12 - not unless she’s referring to the size of her feet.

RACHEL:
(UNBELIEVING) You said you were a size 12?

SHEILA:
Er...

RACHEL:
Weights and Measures Act 1985 - that’s a CLEAR contravention.

SHEILA:
Now just a minute...

RACHEL:
You could also do her under the Misrepresentation Act 1967...

SHEILA:
You...you fart!

PAUL:
Don’t you call me a fart!

SHEILA:
No, I mean, YOU fart...

RACHEL:
Ah, the Explosive Acts, 1875 and 1923...

PAUL:
EVERBODY farts - it’s a normal bodily function.

SHEILA:
Yeah, but you don’t have to let rip every two minutes.

RACHEL:
Hmmm, that would come under the 1974 Control of Pollution Act.

PAUL:
Ha! If we’re gonna talks about pollution what about that f**king fragrance you wear! I didn’t realise Sellafield had a perfume counter.

RACHEL:
(COUGHS) Poisons Act 1972

SHEILA:
Look, I’ve had enough of this - I’m leaving!

PAUL:
Good! I was about to ask the waiter if I could order an oxygen tent!

SHEILA:
Before I go there’s just one last thing I must ask.

PAUL:
What’s that?

SHEILA:
Some people like to think that they are better looking than they really are but how on earth could you claim to have ‘a tasty six pack’? There’s enough blubber on you to keep an Eskimo family going all winter.

PAUL:
Tasty six pack? You daft cow - I was talking about beer!

PAUL PULLS OUT SIX TINS OF BEER AND SLAMS THEM ON THE TABLE. HE PULLS THE RING PULL ON ONE AND IT SPRAYS EVERYWHERE.

END

it's a really good idea for a sketch, and very original. it's just too long, and the punch is to weak, I always think a punch should be a change of pace to surprise the audience.

Yeah, ditch that punchline for sure. It seems clever but I think everybody had that idea before they were 10! It is a very good idea, and very clever, just needs a better punchline. I also thought the "You're so X you make Y look like Z"-style jokes a bit forced.

Think the redraft is better as it's shorter, but it still has bits of dead wood in it. I like it though.