FAMILY TREE

Just some stuff been blowing round my head whilst dog walking, ending is weak but became quiet stuck, suggestions welcome.

INT. LIVING ROOM. DAY.

TERRY IS SITTING AT HIS DINING ROOM TABLE HE HAS AN A0 PIECE OF PAPER ON WHICH HE HAS DRAWN A FAMILY TREE. GARY ENTERS AND NOTICES IT.

GARY
You’ve been busy Tel, what’s that?

TERRY
I’ve been looking for my roots, this is my family tree.

GARY
Let’s have a butchers.
GARY SITS DOWN BESIDE HIM AND STARTS SCANNING THE PAGE.

GARY
Wow, your related to King Juan Carlos of spain. How did you get there?

TERRY
Black permanent marker, see

TERRY HE GOES OVER A LINE WITH HIS MARKER.

GARY
No I mean how did you work it out?

TERRY HOLDS UP A PRINT OUT.

TERRY
Doesn’t he look the spitting image of uncle Terry.

GARY
That IS your uncle Terry.

TERRY
Damn that Wikipedia.

GARY
You did research it properly?

TERRY
Of course, why do you ask?

GARY
According to this your second cousin is Batman.

TERRY
I KNOW he works a night, and he knows an awful lot about caves, I just filled in the blanks.

GARY
He’s a pot holer... What’s this at the top? Cheetah from Tarzan

TERRY
Well documented fact that we all descended from apes. Look at his cheeky face and look at mine.

PULLS A CHEEKY FACE

TERRY
We could be twins.

GARY
And then you have Bingo from the Banana Splits...

TERRY
Well he’s sort of half man – half ape isn’t he, the missing link perhaps. (RAISES EYEBROWS)

GARY
So basically you didn't even go to library?

TERRY
Yes, but only to get the latest Asterix book, ‘Asterix adjusts to a shift in the current political climate’ they’ve gone right down hill.

GARY
You’re such an idiot... Whats the blue squiggle there mean...

TERRY
I slipped when I had to scratch a place.

GARY
Han on I'm on the tree.

TERRY
Yeah I thought why not, I had a space.

GARY
Married to Dierdre Rachid?

TERRY
You always did like a girl with glasses and she must be minted being on the telly.

GARY
Do you mind taking me off of it?

TERRY
Don't be like that... You don't want to be in my family?

GARY
At this point in time, seeing this, I'm not sure I want to admit to knowing you.

TERRY
There's a gap next to Holly Willboughy? I could move you to there...

GARY
Oh sod it go on then.

TERRY
Right where should we stick Han Solo?

END

I liked it, Danny. Nice sketch. I don't agree that the ending was weak either, I think it stood ok.
The only bit that I didn't like was:

TERRY
Your just being silly now... no-one can do them all at once, whats the point of that. Who’s going to marry a new born baby? Duh!

It just struck me that, although terry is clearly an idiot, would anyone really be quite that stupid?

But that's all I can find to say, was a nice piece otherwise.

Yeah I guessed I wanted to ad a line about the REgistry of Births, Deaths and Marriages as that's where you'd go... but you are so right... I will exorcise it...

Alright Danny

It's good, though maybe a bit long. Cut some of the weaker lines and it'll be a lot tighter.

As said before, I didn't think the ending is weak either, though do think it is a bit run-of-the-mill. If you had him *actually* related to somebody ludicrous (Indiana Jones/Jesus/Honey Monster) and that person brought some tea and biscuits in (for 'you and your friend') and left Gary dumbstruck, that might work better.

The Asterix joke is good btw.

Hope this helps

Dan

Quote: swerytd @ January 23, 2008, 1:09 PM

Alright Danny

It's good, though maybe a bit long. Cut some of the weaker lines and it'll be a lot tighter.

As said before, I didn't think the ending is weak either, though do think it is a bit run-of-the-mill. If you had him *actually* related to somebody ludicrous (Indiana Jones/Jesus/Honey Monster) and that person brought some tea and biscuits in (for 'you and your friend') and left Gary dumbstruck, that might work better.

The Asterix joke is good btw.

Hope this helps

Dan

View original

Damn, Original ending had someone walk in as well...

Quote: dannyjb1 @ January 23, 2008, 1:14 PM

Damn, Original ending had someone walk in as well...

View original

Always go with your gut feeling.

As Descarte said. Or Dangermouse. Someone anyway...

Dan

The Wikipedia line I found very funny. I would shorten it aswell.

Great sketch Danny. Not too long for me. I mean a sketch has to cover a certain time frame eh?

Agree with Charley, not too long, it was good. And having someone walk in at the end with the tea would be great (especially the Honey Monster)

TERRY
Right, so where shall we stick the Honey Monster?

GARY
You've gotta be kidding me. The honey monster isn't even a real per-

THE HONEY MONSTER WALKS IN WITH A TRAY OF TEA AND BISCUITS AND PUTS ON THE TABLE NEXT TO TERRY.

HONEY MONSTER
There you go, son(? or just Terry)

TERRY
That's great. (or for added 'cheese', grrrreat)

GARY LOOKS ON IN SHOCK.

Or something like that...love it!

Replace 'GARY LOOKS ON IN SHOCK' with

'GARY: Your Dad. Put him down as your dad.'

Dan

Haha! Yer!

Nice one Danny!

Quote: swerytd @ January 23, 2008, 4:04 PM

Replace 'GARY LOOKS ON IN SHOCK' with

'GARY: Your Dad. Put him down as your dad.'

Dan

View original

Very nice.

nice idea

Nice idea. Maybe a trim here and there, and liked the Honey monster twist. Perhaps as Swertyd says, you should have gone with those instincts.

Did you get my PM?

Quote: SlagA @ January 23, 2008, 8:56 PM

Nice idea. Maybe a trim here and there, and liked the Honey monster twist. Perhaps as Swertyd says, you should have gone with those instincts.

Did you get my PM?

View original

Yeah, have to admit this was one of my favorite to write for a while, it endulges my silliness, think I will tighten it up a bit.

Original ending, bizarrely ended with a spoof of the Han Solo \ Greedo scene. Felt it was a bit too far... maybe not.

And yep got the PM just hadn't had time to write a worthy reply but very much appreciated.