Phone box sketch

A BLOKE IS WONDERING AROUND TOWN HAVING CAME FROM A PUB AND IS LOOKING FOR A PHONE BOX TO PHONE A TAXI TO GET HOME. THEN HE SEES STROBE LIGHTING COMING FROM BEHIND A CHIP SHOP, SO HE GOES TO INVESTIGATE TO SEE IF SOME ONE CAN POINT HIM THE WAY TO A PHONE BOX. WHEN HE GETS THERE HE SEES A PHONE BOX WITH A BOUNCER STANDING OUTSIDE.

MAN: Excuse me mate!

BOUNCER: (GREAT BIG BLOKE ABOUT 6'5 LOOKS DOWN AT THE MAN) Yes?

MAN: Erm.... can i get past please mate to use the phone?

BOUNCER: (Looks down at the man again) No sorry mate not with trainers on, smart casual only!

MAN: But i need to use the phone (looking desperate)

BOUNCER: Smart casual, now f@#k off!

SO THE MAN WALKS AROUND THE CORNER TO SEE A HOMELESS MAN WITH NICE SHOES ON AND A BAG OF SMART CLOTHES NEXT TO HIM IN A BAG, SO HE TAKES THE BAG AND PUTS THE CLOTHES AND THE SHOES ON.

THE MAN GOES BACK TO THE PHONE BOX AND THE SAME BOUNCER IS THERE.

MAN: Ok can i come in now?

BOUNCER LOOKS DOWN AGAIN

BOUNCER: No mate sorry

MAN: (Looking annoyed) Look pal i only want to use the f@#king phone for f@#k sake, i pay my taxes in this country for you to tell me i cant use
a f@#king pay phone. Whats the problem?

BOUNCER: (LOOKS DOWN AGAIN) The phones out of order mate.

Nice one Dave.

Yes nice one Rodney!

Yes, I like that. Good one my friend!

why thanks very much, not on here much but will read all yours when i get a chance. I'm actually writing a pilot for a sketch show and this was just one of them.

good, could have a punchline working on double entendre of out of order phone, and out of order punter?

The premise is good as the man is encountering problems as he tries to get something done., but it relies on the unlikely scenario of a tramp just happening to have some smart shoes and clothes.

I think you need to work on that.

i agree i thought the tramp wasnt the best of things to have put in but i'd thought i'd wait for a responce first, anyway thanks all the same.

I don't think I understand it?

I think this sketch would carry more weight if the public phone box was a private members box, hence the bouncer on the door. That aside, you've covered the set-up and delivery in the opening quite succinctly.

Quote: dave bond @ January 22, 2008, 7:27 PM

MAN: Excuse me mate!

BOUNCER: (GREAT BIG BLOKE ABOUT 6'5 LOOKS DOWN AT THE MAN) Yes?

MAN: Erm.... can i get past please mate to use the phone?

BOUNCER: (Looks down at the man again) No sorry mate not with trainers on, smart casual only!

MAN: But i need to use the phone (looking desperate)

BOUNCER: Smart casual, now f@#k off!

View original

And that's where I think this neat sketch should conclude.

Yeah, the punchline as it stands was a bit weak to me. I prefer Baumski's curtailing of the sketch as it creates a nice sense of bemusement.

As it stands it wasn't really for me. The bouncers & 'no trainers' thing has been explored quite a bit and this doesn't sufficiently take it up a level or impart enough humorous spin IMO.

It could be rescued with a clever punchline though.

The concept of a bouncer on a phone box is genius. But the sketch is crap.

I still don't get it, can someone explain the punchline?? Or is it just that the phone is out of order? Hmmm...but that isn't a joke, is it?