Pub sketch

INT. DAY. PUB. STEVE IS DRINKING WHEN HIS FRIEND JIM ARRIVES.

JIM: What time are you in from Stevey?

STEVE: Breakfast time Jimmy boy. I’d a late one last night too.

JIM: I thought we were going to have a bet on the gee-gees. The way you drink, you’ll not be able to pick your nose by the first race.

STEVE: I wouldn’t have picked yours pal, you’re like Pinocchio, he he. (PINCHES NOSE)

JIM: Don’t you be getting lippy?

STEVE: Noses not lips Jim. Are your ears painted on? he he.

JIM: Christ, you smell like a zookeeper's boot. Hygiene’s come a poor second to booze this morning surprise, surprise.

STEVE: Sure mouthwash has alcohol in it, that’s the only reason why I ever used it.

JIM: You look like a bloody tramp. As for me, however, my face is as smooth as velvet. (STROKES FACE).

STEVE: Are you telling me you look like a bog roll? That’ll be handy with the amount of shite you talk, he he.

JIM: Bog roll f**kin’ face is a good lad when your moneys low, eh Steve?

STEVE: Take a joke Jim. Hows your wife keeping by the way?

JIM: Never you worry about my wife.

STEVE: Why not, she worries about me, he he. (ROTATES ARM IN ‘WIND –UP’ GESTURE.)

STEVE HAS A PLASTIC BAG WHICH HE PULLS ONTO HIS LAP.

JIM: What’s in the bag?

STEVE: Nothing much Jim. ( WINKS AT THE BARMAN.)

JIM: There’s something in it will, what?

STEVE BRINGS OUT A BLOWN UP BALLOON WHICH HAS A SAD FACE DREW ON IT WITH FELT TIP.

JIM: Are you hoping to scare some kids? What weird crap are you up to now?

STEVE: I’m nursing a sore head Jim, he he. ( PUTS FINGER ON TONGUE AND WRITES A ‘1’ IN THE AIR )

JIM: (looks at balloon) (looks at Steve) (JIM SHAKES HIS HEAD).

ENDS.

A good start and well written.

Can't wait for the introduction of some humour.

I'm trying to distinguish between the two characters, rather than them being the same. Thats my excuse anyway

Nige,

Are they BOTH drunk?

Steve has been drinking more than Jim. I might have to change the ending.

Be carefull garyd,you nearly said something bad,

I think the dialogue needs a lot of work. It doesn't flow very well and that can immediately turn a reader off.

Also, I didn't get any of the jokes. The balloon bit left me very confused. As did the bit about the picking noses/horse racing bit.

fair comments. storage for this one.

Hi Nigel

This reads more like a scene from a sitcom or possibly a comedy drama. One of the problems is writing dialect that a broader readership can understand.

I am fluent in Norn' Irn' so therefore I had no difficulty in understanding the scene or getting into the flow but as comments show others have. There are quite a few nice lines there and the "banter" between the two is quite natural and well drawn.

I suggest that when writing dialect you water it down a bit and throw in suggestions of it. Full blown colloquial phrases although very funny to those who "get them" can quite often leave the broader readership puzzled.

On the pick you nose / gee gees joke? I thought that it was in no way ambiguous and a good gag that I laughed at it. But maybe that illustrates the point about the dialect having put the readers off by that stage. However for those struggling, and with your indulgence Nigel, I will give a translation.

JIM: If you carry on drinking at your normal rate then you will be so drunk by the time of the first race that not only will your state of inebriation mar your ability to pick a winner from the race-card, but it will also render you unable to pick your own nose. Bearing in mind that picking one's nose is rather an easy task to perform and that you will be unable to perform it successfully due to you being pissed, how then can you reasonably expect to pick a horse to win the race? Something that is not only fraught with difficulty but that under normal circumstances requires a sharp and clear mind even at the best of times. Consequently it is my suggestion that you slow down a bit or indeed desist from the aforementioned drinking altogether.

Though quite honestly Nigel, I thought the way you put it was rather more succinct and a whole heap funnier.