The Challenge

Does this work? How long until it becomes obvious what the challenge is? I'm not sure if it'll work as a one-off, but it is meant as a follow on to a previous sketch I posted on here about "song titles", which is somewhere in this critique section....the characters might have different names from then because I couldn't remember what I called them!...anyway, any thoughts would be appreciated as I don't know what to think about this. Cheers.

INT. BAR OF A CLUB - NIGHT

PETER
OK, do you understand what your challenge is? You’ve got two minutes to try and get 10 of them into the conversation.

JOHN
Right! Who’s my victim?

PETER PICKS A CHUBBY GIRL SAT IN THE CORNER BY HERSELF.

PETER
Her!

JOHN
Oh I see, don’t make it too hard! You pick an expert!

PETER
Good luck.

JOHN WALKS UP TO THE CHUBBY GIRL AND TAKES A SEAT NEXT TO HER, FOLLOWED BY PETER, WHO SITS ON A CHAIR WITH HIS BACK TO THE CONVERSATION SO HE CAN LISTEN IN. JOHN LOOKS AT PETER, WHO, AFTER INSPECTING HIS WATCH, NODS AT JOHN TO INDICATE THE START OF THE 2 MINUTES.

JOHN
Hi, I’m John.

LISA
I’m Lisa.

JOHN
Sorry, what was that? The music is quite loud, I can’t hear you if you wispa.

LISA
(LOUDER) Lisa.

JOHN
Cool. Have you got the time?

LISA
(LOOKS AT WATCH) Ten past nine.

JOHN
Ah dammit, it’s after eight.

LISA
Why? What’s happening at eight?

JOHN
Oh, nothing interesting. Let’s change the topic from me – what course are you doing?

LISA
Maths. How about you?

JOHN
Oh wow, me too! Aren’t we a pair of smarties?!

LISA
I guess so.

JOHN
Hmm...So how come you’re sat here on your toblerone?

LISA
On my what?

JOHN
On your own.

LISA
Oh right, just waiting for someone to come back from the toilet. How come you’re here?

JOHN
Oh, I’m just trying to meet as many people as I can – I’m a bit of a drifter. I love your hair, by the way.

LISA
Yeah?

JOHN
Yeah! It’s all curlywurly, I love it.

LISA
Are you taking the piss?

JOHN
Woah, time out. I wasn’t malteasing you, I do really like it.

LISA DOESN’T LOOK CONVINCED.

JOHN (CONT’D)
Oh god, I’ve made a right fudge of this. I’m sorry. I’ll see you around.

JOHN LEAVES, FOLLOWED BY PETER, BOTH LAUGHING.

It was at the Smarties bit actually, but then again I'm a bit slow so never mind me.

The sketch itself wasn't bad either, didn't find it massively funny, but it worked I found and it was a perfect length.

I got it straight from the wispa bit, but that's only because of the spelling. I like these ideas... keep them coming.

Quote: Griff @ January 18, 2008, 1:53 PM

(BTW I'm not accusing you of copying here!)

View original

We're accusing you of watching Little Britain though.

Yeah, the wipsa spelling was a massive cue! but spoken it might not be as obvious! Did you spot all 10 of them as well?

"Topic" and "Time Out"!

I definitely saw topic in there.

Oh yeah, what I meant to ask for this sketch....imagine you were watching it, would it be better to know in advance that he is trying to name as many chocolate bars in the conversation (like in the first chat between Peter and John, mention it in there), or to work out what he has to do by yourself? (Hope that question makes sense)

"Oh, nothing interesting. Let’s change the topic from me – what course are you doing?"

This line is a little out of place. How do we know that she's doing a course at all. Is it a student bar they're in?

The piece was well paced and the dialogue well set out, but didn't make me laugh.

Quote: Winterlight @ January 18, 2008, 2:52 PM

"Oh, nothing interesting. Let’s change the topic from me – what course are you doing?"

This line is a little out of place. How do we know that she's doing a course at all. Is it a student bar they're in?

View original

Oh yeah, I forgot to change that...like I said, it was written as a follow on from something else, where I had said they were in a student bar, but I tried to make it generalisable (and obviously forgot to change that).

As for no laughs, that's fair enough - there aren't really any 'jokes' in it, but I think that as a collection of pieces, for example, a sub-plot, mess-around style of scenes to ease tension in an episode of a drama, it might work well. That's just my thoughts anyway.