A few One Liners

I'm very very hit and miss with my jokes, anyone who's met me will know.

Here are some that haven't made my stand up routine but I'm considering letting in:

* I tell pretty traditional jokes, Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side, because the poor bastard can’t fly so stop rubbing it in and give it a f**king rest.

* Gentlemen the only pick up line you'll ever need, excuse me love; do these tablets taste like Rohypnol to you?

* I have a dream… but much like 80% of the population it’ll be forgotten within 10 minutes of waking up.

* A man comes up to me as asking questions out of the blue I’m thinking I don’t want this! He eventually leaves… he comes back a while later giving me a piece of paper and expecting me to give him money, I went on to punch this gentlemen… The police say the waiter was only doing his job.

I do have more but I'm more reluctant to post stand up material, as I don't churn it out as much as sketches and I'm more protective of it then sketches as well.

Just want to know what you think... Cheers

Hey Paul

The rohypnol one is a good one as is the chicken one.

The waiter one works in principle, but a bit clunky and doesn't flow so well. Needs rewording to work.

Dan

Quote: swerytd @ January 18, 2008, 11:26 AM

Hey Paul

The rohypnol one is a good one as is the chicken one.

The waiter one works in principle, but a bit clunky and doesn't flow so well. Needs rewording to work.

Dan

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Cheers Dan, I generally don't read what's written down on the paper I change it a bit during rehearsal or even while on stage... but I saw some potential in all of these (and more).

Thanks for the feedback

Paul. Stand-up comedy must be the hardest job in show-biz.
When a singer, say Tom Jones says, "I'm now going to sing that lovely ballard, The Green Green Grass of Home, look you isn't it" The audience always shout approval, things like, Go on Tom, and Make us have it Jonesy. They never shout, Sit down you fat ugly bastard, we've heard it.

* Gentlemen the only pick up line you'll ever need, excuse me love; do these tablets taste like Rohypnol to you?

Doctor.
Sorry Mr Oaten, but you've got Aids.

MR Oaten
Jesus, I must have caught it off a toilet seat

Doctor
Well you must have been sucking it, beacause the disease is in your gums

I love the rohypnol joke and am blatantly going to steal it for myself! Only in conversation with mates like, not in writing! Top stuff mate.

Hi Paul. I too like the Rohypnol joke but you should know I've seen a comic (I forget which one) do a very similar one with chloroform. "Does this smell like chloroform to you?"

Quote: David Bussell @ January 18, 2008, 2:29 PM

Hi Paul. I too like the Rohypnol joke but you should know I've seen a comic (I forget which one) do a very similar one with chloroform. "Does this smell like chloroform to you?"

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Balls, I'll leave it out then, now I think about it I think I've heard something along those lines before to.

I imagine chicken one done in a pschitso fashion and yes waiter does probably need tightening but it's all in the delivery mate as you know.

I think these would have made me laugh if I was in the audience. Maybe the waiter one is the weakest of the bunch if I have to choose.

Quote: SlagA @ January 18, 2008, 4:35 PM

I think these would have made me laugh if I was in the audience. Maybe the waiter one is the weakest of the bunch if I have to choose.

View original

A pity, I see some potential in the waiter joke as well.

Thanks for the feedback guys.

I thought the rohypnol one was a bit cliché. I mean, eveyone's churning out rohypnol jokes in a similar vein. You can't go to the pub without one of your 'funny' mates making a similar crack about rohypnol. The absolute pick of the bunch for me was the "I have a dream" joke. I thought that was very funny.

Be carefull James,

I may be old with Parkinson's Disease, but still work part-time in a local restaurant. I sit in the sink with the dishes.

I don't think any of them work, cold - but they've all got potential. Maybe with context.

What about

martin luther king had a remarkable dream. But what's even more remarkable is that he remembered it... he must have written it down...80% blah blah... notepad by the bed... etc.