Sketch idea

Hi guys,
An idea me an my mate had a while ago (well mainly him) we shot a mock up, but i dont feel its quite right, thoughts? (i can youtube the mock up if anyones interested)

Tv talking head interview
Interviewee Colin, sitting in a darkened room. His face is covered in shadow to prevent identification. The mood is sombre. Caption appears onscreen, “Colin Hayes - Victim”

COLIN.
“You know, the worst part has come since the attack.. Every morning, it’s a struggle to make myself leave the house. I’ve been up and down a lot lately, my poor wife doesn’t know what to say to me, she’s been so patient, but I cant ask her to continue like this. You know, I’m a grown man and I can’t leave the house at night because I’m so terrified of what might happen to me. What sort of husband can a man like that be? How can I claim to be a man when I cant protect my wife and children? (Starts to falter).”

PRESENTER.
“Its ok John, I understand that this is very tough for you. Tell me, in what practical ways has your life changed since the attack?

JOHN.
“It couldn’t have changed more. I used to be so outgoing, I was into kayaking and rock climbing. I’d play Golf once a week with my friends, now, I go straight from bed to the car, from the car to the office and then back again. I don’t leave the house at all at the weekends. I spend the whole time (pauses, cranes his neck as if to see past the camera) I spend the whole time dreading Monday morning when I….. (Seeing himself in a moniter ) Hang on, I just caught a glimpse of myself in the monitor, you can’t see my face”

PRESENTER.
“What?” (Feebly)

JOHN.
“My face, you cant see my face Its just a shadow "
PRESENTER.
(Still Feebly) “Oh, well ok, would you feel better if we turned the lights up a little?"
JOHN.
"well yes.."
(lights turn up revealing a startled colin)
PRESENTER.
"Is that better?"
JOHN.
“(getting vaguely annoyed) Yes fine, lets just get this done"

PRESENTER.
“OK, (Meekly) Sorry…. Now John, tell me, in what practical ways has your life changed since the attack?

JOHN.
“Like I was saying, my life has changed completely. I have no confidence in myself any more and I no longer do any of the things I used to love, like golf or rock climbing. My life is this sitting room and my office. I can’t remember what it’s like to feel the air on my skin. (Light starts to dim) I would be lying if I said I hadn’t considered ending… (shouts) Are you turning that down??? (Light stops dimming, John continues, but is obviously annoyed). I would be lying if I said I hadn’t considered ending it all, if it wasn’t for my children id have (Light dims very quickly and then goes out. The scene is now in total darkness we end in hearing John shouting) “I’ve done nothing to be ashamed of! (Voice breaks, doubt is audible) Nothing..….”

Hi, mate.

I'd really like the link on this, if poss. I wonder if it needs to be seen and I'd love to see it!

I feel that it's lacking a little something which, may well, become clear in the viewing.

I felt that the dialogue was crisp and well executed.

Please do let me view it, though.

Hi, thanks for the feedback... as i said, this is VERY rough and we just had one go at it....im convinced theres a good idea in there somewhere though (!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GjBdZT16Zjs

I think it's a great idea.
What I'd say:
It's far too long. Think I'd try shooting the lot in under a minute and seeing how that works. The beginning could take a lot of trimming and the end could be shortened too. Maybe move straight from "You're turning it down again, aren't you?" to darkness, to the pause, to "I've done nothing wrong."

The talking head would work better if it was in front of a window so it was a nicely framed silhouette, IMO

Maybe the dialogue could be about how the character sustained horrific facial injuries in a fire, or was born with an horrific facial disorder, or something. Maybe a barely audible "My God that's horrific" or similar from the camera-man when the lights come up would be good.

We don't need to be told that he's seen himself in the monitor twice, I don't think.

Anyway obviously it's just an idea but I think it's a really fine one that could work very well. I laughed out loud in the rough run-through despite its... roughness.

Cheers James, some useful comments there... yeah, its a bit flabby alright (not unlike my chin i now see) the framing of the shot is horrible for sure, easily fixed though... might have another look at it and try again...

I think it's a great idea too and I am sure with work you can pull it off! Good one!

I do remember thinking this had a 'mitchell an webb' feel (david mitchell playing the interviewee) but scoffing at myself for having such delusions of grandeur.. but in light of the series 2 thusfar, hmmmmmmm.....

It's a very good idea, and it's played well. But it's a touch to long.

Also if the guy goes from upset to vain and back again might give it some emphasis

Cheers sooty, so do you mean as in the end, like the guy (me!) goes "ive done nothing to be ashamed of... nothing, sorry can i get make over here again?" or something like that? btw, im astounded by the 'well played' comment... literally my first time of camera, im a cringe-seein-a-photo-of-myself type person... feel like i should buy you a pie (your choice of filling)