Let's hope that this isn't too much of a 'lame duck'. I'm writing it as a one off comedy and here are the first couple of scenes.
All advice - and donations - welcome. 
Thanks, folks.
Lame Duck.
SCENE 1. INT. DAY. DARK PIG SHED.
TWO JOURNALISTS, LAURA AND JASON, WANDER ABOUT COVERTLY INSIDE A STINKING PIG SHED. THEY ARE COVERING A STORY ON PIG FARMING AND WERE TAKING PHOTOS AND MAKING NOTES ON THE CONDITIONS. LAURA PICKS UP A TINY PIGLET THAT HAS WANDERED TO THE EDGE OF IT’S PEN. IT IS QUITE WEAK BUT SQUEALS AS SHE HOLDS IT. IT IS COVERED IN EXCREMENT AND SHE HOLDS IT ARMS LENGTH.
LAURA. Jason, get a picture of this.
JASON STARTS TO TAKE PICTURES. HE DIRECTS HER AWAY FROM THE OTHER PIGLETS.
JASON. Move round, over there.
LAURA. Hurry up, it’s minging.
SHE MOVES ACROSS THE SHED AS THE DOOR BEGINS TO OPEN AND THE VOICE OF THE FARMER RINGS OUT.
FARMER. Who’s that?
JASON. Shit.
JASON STUFFS CAMERA INTO HIS BAG. LAURA, WITHOUT THINKING, STICKS PIGLET IN BAG WITH NOTE BOOK AND DICTAPHONE.
FARMER. What you two doing?
THE PAIR MOVE TO THE DOORWAY AND WALK OUTSIDE.
CUT TO ELDERLY FARMER STANDING OUTSIDE AS THE PAIR APPEAR.
FARMER. (cont) What you two up to?
JASON. We were lost and we needed directions and we heard movement in there as we thought it was you, didn’t we (to Laura)? So that’s why we went in.
LAURA. Yes, we did, we were lost.
FARMER. So you thought that you’d ask my pigs, did you?
JASON. Pigs? Were there pigs in there? I didn’t see any pigs, did you?
LAURA FEELS THE PIGLET MOVING ABOUT INSIDE THE BAG. IT BEGINS TO MAKE SQUEALING SOUNDS. LAURA CLUTCHES BAG AND RUNS AROUND IN CIRCLES SQUEALING LOUDLY TO COVER THE SOUND.
LAURA. Weeeeee. Weeeeeeeee. I love pigs, weeeeeeeee.
JASON. She always does that when someone says the p word.
FARMER. You’re townies, aren’t ya? Yer mad. On bloody drugs, I’d like to bet.
FARMER SHAKES HEAD AND WALKS AWAY.
FARMER. I’m just gonna check that you ain’t been nicking stuff. You just wait ‘ere.
THE PAIR RUN TO THE CAR.
FARMER. Come back, you townie, drug taking devils.
FARMER IS TOO SLOW TO GIVE CHASE AND WAVES STICK.
CUT TO INSIDE OF CAR.
JASON STARTS THE ENGINE AND THEY SPEED OFF.
LAURA. That was a close one!
JASON. I liked the moment of madness back there. That threw him. (Trying to look at his shoes) Have you walked in pig shit only it stinks in here?
LAURA. (looks in bag and recoils in horror) Oh, my God!
JASON. What the f**k have you got in there?
SHE PULLS OUT A NOTEBOOK, DICTAPHONE AND VARIOUS ITEMS COVERED IN EXCREMENT AND THEN THE PIGLET.
JASON. What the …… What did you take that shitty little object for?
LAURA. I didn’t mean to.
JASON. How can you not mean to put a pig in your bag? How can you not mean to do that, Laura?
LAURA. I just panicked and when you stuffed the camera away I just bunged my stuff away and I got so confused in the rush that I put the piglet in, too. It was too late then.
HE STOPS THE CAR.
JASON. Put it out.
LAURA. You can’t put it out, it’s a little baby. It’ll die.
JASON. Then you’ll have to get out and walk with it.
LAURA. But it’s all covered in pig shit.
JASON. My point exactly. Can’t you put it on a lead and let it walk? (holds up a tow rope that’s nearly as thick as the piglet) You can use this if you promise not to get pig shit on it.
LAURA. Don’t be ridiculous.
HE LEANS ACROSS, CAREFULLY, AND OPENS THE DOOR.
JASON. (cont) I’ll only drive slow. And don’t touch anything as you get out.
LAURA GETS OUT WITH THE PIGLET.
LAURA. Thanks, mate.
JASON. (holds us the smelly bag) Don’t forget this.
LAURA SNATCHES IT AND BEGINS TO WALK BEHIND THE CAR DOWN THE WINDING COUNTRY LANE.
SCENE 2. EXT. DAY. THE YARD OF AN ANIMAL SANCTUARY.
ROSIE, THE OWNER OF THE SANCTUARY, AND GERALD WEARING ONLY A TURBAN, A WRAP AROUND HIS HIPS AND A PAIR OF WELLINGTON BOOTS ARE STANDING TALKING.
THE CAR DRIVEN BY JASON PULLS ONTO THE DRIVE. THE EXHAUSTED LAURA IS STAGGERING BEHIND.
ROSIE APPROACHES THE CAR.
ROSIE. Morning. Can I help. (looks at Laura) Are you alright, m’dear.
LAURA STAGGERS TOWARDS ROSIE HOLDING OUT THE PIGLET. LAURA IS NOW COVERED IN EXCREMENT HERSELF AND IS SEMI HYSTERICAL AND DELIRIOUS AS IF SHE HAS JUST COME THROUGH A MAJOR ORDEAL.
ROSIE. What’s this, (scoops up a towel and wraps the piglet in it)
JASON. Found it, by the side of the road. Couldn’t just leave it there to die, wouldn’t be right.
LAURA GIVES HIM A LOOK AND GOES TO SPEAK. ROSIE INTERRUPTS HER.
ROSIE. Gerald, take this little baby and put him in the warm and make him up a bottle.
GERALD. Yes, Mem Sab
GERALD TAKES THE PIGLET AND WALKS TOWARDS THE HOUSE WITH IT. JASON LOOKS AT HIM IN SURPRISE. ROSIE STARTS TO LAUGH.
ROSIE. That’s only Gerald. He’s quite mad but completely harmless. Started out as my stalker. Came home one day and found him there playing golf, naked, all his clothes up a tree. Didn’t know him from Adam but I didn’t want to get shot of the bugger when there’s so much to do so I found him a job. Volunteers are very hard to come by, you know. He’s been here ever since. I persuaded him to wear the loin cloth. It’s what you might call a compromise. And the turban, well, he’s going through his Asian phase. It’ll pass.
Anyway, must see to that baby. (she stands and stares at them) Time, like baby milk is money, you know. (stares again at them)
JASON. Oh, yes, of course. (feels in pockets and pulls wallet out and opens it) Sorry, love to but I’ve only got notes.
ROSIE. That’s not a problem. I take notes.
JASON HANDS A £20 NOTE OVER AND ROSIE LOOKS MISERABLY AT IT.
LAURA REACHES ACROSS, SWIPES A FEW NOTES AND GIVES THEM OVER.
ROSIE. Why, thank you.
JASON. No problem, always happy to help the little animals. Must be off and thanks agan. Goodbye.
JASON OPENS THE CAR DOOR, GETS IN, THERE IS A CLUNK OF THE CENTRAL LOCKING AS LAURA GOES TO OPEN THE DOOR. SLOWLY THE CAR PULLS AWAY AS LAURA ATTEMPTS TO OPEN THE DOOR. WE WATCH THE CAR DISAPPEAR WITH LAURA TROTTING BEHIND, PROTESTING.
