Scene from Pantomuse

(Part of a court scene from Pantomuse a theatre Pantomime for adults)
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

MUSE 3
(Barrister)
Now, you are here in this court today to answer to the charges brought by one Ivor Nurve of 999 Letsby Avenue that you did on the 4th July extort from him the sum of twenty pence. What say you?

DEIRDRE
I didn’t do anything. I am innocent mi’lud.

MUSE 3
You deny that you tricked the plaintive into loaning you this money?

DEIRDRE
I do. It was a present.

MUSE 3
A present? Now who in their right mind would give away such an amount?
(Then to the jury) She expects us to believe her. (Jury fall about laughing)
Is it not true to say that not satisfied with stealing Ivor Nurve’s twenty pence, you then squandered it by gaining access to the Ladies lavatories without so much as one thought in your head for the suffering caused to the plaintive?

DEIRDRE
I want to go home.

MUSE 3
No further questions. Next witness…Rick O’Shay.

MUSE 1
Place your right hand on the bible.

RICK (Irish accent)
Rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb.

MUSE 3
You are one Rick O’Shay, are you not?

RICK
Aye sir, just the one, to be sure, so I am sir, Hoi are you?

MUSE 3
Fine thank you, except for a bit of hay fever but one mustn’t grumble, it’s the weather wot does it, you know? And you, are you well?

RICK
Aye sir, I am sir, so I am.

MUSE 3
Now Rick, can you say definitely and beyond reasonable doubt where you where on the fourth of July and do you have evidence to support that?

RICK
I have sir, to be sure, thank you.
(Pause)

MUSE 3
Well?

RICK
Oh. I was soliciting outside the men’s lavatories in Canal Street all the day sir. So I was.

MUSE 3
And during that day, you were standing outside the lavatories all the time?

RICK
I loitered most of the day sir.

MUSE 3
And did you see anything untoward?

RICK
I did sir, I did. Business was poor all the day long.

MUSE 3
Whilst you were soliciting did you notice anything suspicious?

RICK
I did sir, so I did, so I did.

MUSE 3
Will you tell the court what that was?

RICK
Aye, I will, I will, I will. I saw a pair of spectacles coming round the corner sir. Then I saw they belonged to Deirdre Rashid (Jury gasp) Then she took a twenty pence coin from out her knicker leg sir and then put it in the slot machine of the ladies lav.

DEIRDRE
I didn’t do anything.

MUSE 3
No further questions. You may step down O’Shay. Here rests the case for the prosecution. Jury you have heard all the evidence before you. Now will you give us your verdict? Do you find the defendant guilty or not guilty?
(One by one the jurors say guilty)

JUDGE
Deirdre Rashid, please stand.

DEIRDRE
I am standing.

JUDGE
Splendid, splendid. Now, you have been brought to this court today and have been found guilty of the charges raised. I have no choice, therefore, but to pass the maximum sentence…..but I have decided to set you free.

DEIRDRE
Oh why me, why me, I didn’t do anything….what? What did you say?

JUDGE
I’ve decided to set you free.

DEIRDRE
Oh, thank you, thank you, and thank you.

JUDGE
Only kidding!...April fool!

DEIRDRE
(OTT crying as in Lucille Ball)
Ah ah ahhh ha ha aaaaaaaaaagggghhh

JUDGE
But-

DEIRDRE
Yes, yes..

JUDGE
I will allow you a choice of sentence. I can either commit you to watching two weeks of Celebrity Big Brother or you can be taken this day from the court and hanged by the neck until you are stone cold, absolutely without a shadow of a doubt, I swear on my mother’s death bed, dead. What say you?

DEIRDRE
Oh, hanged by the neck mi’lud. I can’t stand Big Brother.

JUDGE
Yes, I think you speak for us all. Take her away…..Have a nice funeral.

MUSE (supporter)
Deirdre, have no fear. We’ll start a campaign. We’ll find sponsors. We’ll do marches. We’ll sit up trees. After all, tomorrow is another day.
(All the cast take a bow)

Love the Lucille Ball ref! Just lovely!

Nicely written bushbaby.

Hi BB

This seems very well written and as such I could imagine the parts being played out. I like the use of language to demonstrate accents and the spectacle joke made me smile. I get the impression you know what you're doing. There was a lot of action in such a short piece of dialogue and I think you've made it easy for actors to play out the parts.

Sorry BB - as MB said, nicely written - but I think it needs more jokes (I hate that criticism, but it's always valid), don't want to be lowbrow, but isn't every other line in panto usually a cringeworthy double entendre - might be worth slipping a couple in (nudge, nudge, wink, wink ).

I liked this
Not exactly 'helpful critisism' but I did.Nice one bushbaby

I agree with Simon. It has potential but I do think you need to fill a bit. Just an idea, but every time Rick O'Shea names mentioned you could have a sound effect of a bullet pinging around and everybody ducks. That kind of knockabout panto stuff. Or I could be talking bollocks. It happens!

I've got a feeling that it was the old Thunderbirds puppet show that did exactly as you just described with a character called Rick O'Shea. I seem to recall he was supposed to be a DJ and everytime he said his own name there would be a sound of a bullet.
It was an awfully long time ago, though.

Though I don't suppose it matters a jot but I thought I'd mention it.

Thanks all. I should have said that the storyline is about the nine muses that have just returned from earth after checking up on the arts. Each one reports to Cleo the oldest of their findings. The part scene of the court is a spoof on Coro Streets Deidre Rashid when she was done for extortion and is what one of the muses reported as the type of tragedy that humans class as tragedy these days.
All the muses get to act out what their findings are too according to which art they preside over.
They have returned from earth with bad habits such as using the F word and all wear panto outfits they picked up at a theatre in Liverpool. Their father Zeus has asked them for the report

I liked it too Bushbaby, it flowed well. I liked the way O'shay's (O'Shea? A Pedant) dialogue resembled Mrs. Doyle of Father Ted (I will, I will, I will) nice touch.

Yes it should be O'Shea, Nigel but I was wanting any editor that read it, to get the ricochet and not read it as O'Shee......not that I have sent it anywhere. I wrote it some years back and only recently updated some words...i.e. Celebrity Big brother.

I like the idea of adult panto and there are some nice lines in it!
Fx

Very good pantomime, liked the above ricochet sound suggestion. And yes, to a few more typical cringeworthy word-plays.

Only crit would be NINE muses? Now I may be reading it wrong but unless you're focussing on one or two muses, then you're going to need the population of London for the cast.

Yes it is the nine muses. It was an idea that came to me and I had to write it down. Once I had, I thought it maybe do for a drama school's end of year production. It's just been shelved since.
It's too big a cast for fringe and too difficult for amatuers as the cast need to be able to dance/sing/act.

The only problem is that such a large cast seriously limits the piece's accessibility and chances of being performed; plus it may dilute the essential core of the tale. And your audience may find it hard keeping track of so many characters.

Personally (this is personally mind), I'd look for a way to cut down on the parts to give it a chance of being picked up by amateur dramatics around the UK.