Quote: Charles E. Lawley @ January 11, 2008, 3:06 PMWRONG! I wank in your watertank, I live in your pantry.
LOOOL
Quote: Charles E. Lawley @ January 11, 2008, 3:06 PMWRONG! I wank in your watertank, I live in your pantry.
LOOOL
No, I wasn't conceived by humans, I am made from the failed ambitions of spastic orphans.
Puts an entirely new twist on salt water. Pass me the corned beef will you.
Jerf, re-read it for you.
A question you need to think through. In the opening the car aquaplanes off the road and into a ditch where the tyres can't get a purchase so the protagonist abandons the car, but at the end he returns to the car, gets in, and drives off. His only concern being not how does he get the vehicle back on the road but would it start first time.
You may need to tie this up for it to make sense to the listener.
SlagA The car can't get out the ditch because the tyres can't get purchase because the drainage ditch was fast flowing with rainwater.
When he goes back to the car the following morning, it is sunny and dry. It starts first time because he had turned the lights off before the battery ran flat.
The idea of him getting the phone tone,'unobtainable' is because it's a ghost story.
It is true that the story is in the wrong place.
Somebody asked for Ghost stories, and I mistakenly posted it on this channel in this forum.
Edited by Aaron.
No prob, Jerf, was just trying to be helpful.
What you need to bear in mind is that if you had to explain the mechanics of what happened to the car to me then you'll have to explain it to your other readers / listeners too. Either that, or perhaps make the car 'plot mechanism' a simpler situation that people can grasp without lengthy explanation.
If the phone call to the mother connects first time and then is unobtainable the next, does this mean the mother is a ghost too? This is another question readers / listeners will be asking themselves.
Hope you find this of use. Good luck with the local radio too. Did you read my little PM to you?
Or call the AA
I have edited about the car, but don't all 'ghost' stories leave something unexplained for the reader to consider.
I appreciate your comments.
I like ajp29s "Or call the AA"
Generally enjojed it. I do think it's on the wrong web site but I'm not the decision maker there. I think you should get rid of the live sheep bit. Just didn't pan for me. Anybody make a Welsh sheep shagging joke at this point and I'll come around and move in. Be warned!
No sweat, Jerf.
Yes, agreed that a ghost story needs something of the supernatural to take into the real world after the event is over. In this case, we have the coins and the "Peter's dead" elements. But the car and the phone line being unobtainable the second time around seemed maybe one too many. Maybe. Maybe not.
As writers we have to please ourselves as the first hurdle and if the extra elements work for you then you're halfway there to engaging an audience. Let us know how it goes down at the hospital.
Quote: roscoff @ January 12, 2008, 1:13 PMGenerally enjojed it. I do think it's on the wrong web site but I'm not the decision maker there. I think you should get rid of the live sheep bit. Just didn't pan for me. Anybody make a Welsh sheep shagging joke at this point and I'll come around and move in. Be warned!
With his girlfriend Baabara.
My toothbrush is packed. I hope the wife/partner/family pet is broad minded.
The wife.Her names Baabara.
It was an attempt to describe a person suffering from hypothermia
slumping down in a derelict building that a sheep just happened to be in.
It is in the wrong place, it was intended for someone who wanted Ghost stories, and I did it wrong.
Don't worry about it being in the wrong place. At least you've had a few pair of eyes go through it for you and some excellent crits.