Back in 2001 when I was mostly 18 and then 19 for a bit, I used to get bored at work and write up bizarre little stories. Here is one that I wrote back in the day and just found. I apologise for the poor layout, but I was not too bothered about formatting when I was a teenager. I don't intend this to be judged as a serious piece of work. It just made me laugh to read the strange things that I used to write.
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Over the past 40 years Heffa had certainly seen many people come and go through the doors of Allied Refrigeration, and now he would be joining them. As he did up his flies and moved away from the urinal he sighed a sigh of contentment. But then something caught his eye. On the wall of one of the cubicles someone had drawn a rather rude daubing entitled "Watch out kids! Heffa could be watching". Heffa was soooooooo angry! He stomped, like an angry gorilla with rickets, over to the cubicle and locked the door. Why would someone do this to him, he'd been here for 40 years. Heffa started scrubbing away at the picture with some spit and his jumper, which carried the beloved Allied logo, which he almost worshipped. His scrubbing came to no avail and he sat down defeated on the toilet seat trying to make sense of it all. A few moments later he heard Dave and Johnno enter the toilets, these two lads had been taken under Heffa's parental wings about 2 years ago. He had taught them everything they knew. Their conversation soon turned to the imminent departure of Heffa, whom they didn't realise was hiding in the cubicles.
"THANK God! That freak Heffa is finally going" said Johnno
"I know! At last! We won't have to hear him droning on and on. ! He's not
really retiring you know either" replied Dave
"Really?" asked Johnno inquisitively
Heffa, still sat in the toilet, couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"No, he's being fired because the directors had a vote of who they hated
the most and everyone voted for him, so they decided to fire him." Answered
Dave
It can't be true thought Heffa, but then what were all those pieces of paper with his name on doing in the meeting room the other day. No no it
must be some mistake he reasoned.
"Lets go smash his crisps up for one last time!" Said Johnno
“Yeah!" squealed Dave.
So then, it was those two little ungrateful good for nothing zombies who had been smashing his 'Tomato Crunchies' up for the last two years. This on top of everything else made Heffa decide that he had no point in living anymore. He plunged his head into the toilet and began to flush and flush and flush. After a few seconds he pulled his head out gasping for air.
“I can't even kill myself can I!” thought Heffa. It seemed like a good idea to go back to the office and dry off. As he emerged from the mens he saw Sue the secretary.
"Heffa? Why are you soaking wet?" exclaimed Sue
Mumbling incoherently Heffa replied " I. Um.. um.. um. I.. Dropped my
pen in. um.umm. The..ummm.toilet"
"Well anyway Heffa, theres someone in the front office who wants to see
you" said Sue.
Heffa went marching off to the front office, but what was the
point?
How could he face his so-called 'friends'. As he entered, lots of people jumped out of cupboards and from under desks singing " Heffa We'll miss you! You crazeeeeeeee Cat". Dave and Johnno walked up to Heffa with a cake.
"You don't think we didn't know you were hiding in the cubicle did you!"
said Johnno
"Oh my boys! Thank you!" said Heffa "but wait a minute this is raisin cake. I hate raisins. You know I do!"
"Ha Ha Grandad! Course we knew and we meant everything we said in the
bogs. " Shouted Johnno
Heffa couldn't comprehend what was going on and he collapsed face first into the dreaded raisin cake. Everyone else in the office then began emptying their waste paper bins on top of him. Heffa waited till everyone had gone home and then crawled out from underneath the rubbish. As he walked through the once golden gates he looked up at the neon 'Allied' logo and then at the logo on his jumper and ripped it off, stamping it into the ground with his big size 11 feet. No more would the halls echo with cries of "Quick quick he'll be back in a minute, smash it harder" and "Heffa I hate you". This lonely soul was going to walk forever, never forgetting how he gave his life so much and got nothing back. Some employees still say to this day that they can hear Heffa sitting alone in the cubicles at Allied, crying his heart out and scrubbing away at the graffiti. It is however a faulty cistern and WILL be fixed or there WILL be hell to pay, Mr Frank Butley the caretaker.
