A sketch - Christmas Party

Essentially this happened in our house last night. Apart from the last bit, that I made up.

CHRISTMAS PARTY – THE OTHER SIDE.

INT. BEDROOM. - NIGHT.

STEVE ENTERS CARRYING A GLASS OF WATER. HE PASSES IT TO HELEN WHO’S IN BED.

HELEN.
Thanks darling.

STEVE
No problem.

HELEN
Did you trip over a huge pair of shoes?

STEVE
I didn’t. And all the lights are still on….. And his bedroom door’s open.

STEVE GETS INTO BED.

HELEN
Not home?

STEVE
Not home. What time is it?

HELEN
Half one.

STEVE
Well, it’s nearly Christmas.

HELEN
He’s 16. It’s a school night….And he said he’d be back at eleven.

STEVE
He’ll be fine. Go back to sleep.

HELEN
I’m worried.

STEVE
It’s a school party. Honestly, he’ll be fine.

HELEN
What time do these places close?

STEVE
Where was he going?

HELEN
The Dappled Nag?

STEVE SNUGGLES DOWN UNDER THE DUVET.

STEVE
The Grapple and Shag we used to call that. God, I remember this one time….

A PAUSE.

STEVE SITS BOLT UPRIGHT.

STEVE
(frantic)
Pass me the phone.

Hi Steve

Not your usual style and perhaps this is because it's more of a personal observation.

Didn't get the big shoe reference, but maybe it's because I'm dim (not unless it's saying that your son's almost grown up now?)

Didn't really do it for me I'm afraid and did see the end coming.

Cheers B

Hi Steve

Your sketch is too... nice. It's really light-hearted entertainment. Sort of old-fashioned Saturday Night primetime material. I think it either needs more out-and-out funny lines *or* chopping down as it feels a bit drawn out.

Hope this helps

Dan

EDIT: Just realised you used the word 'shag'. So scrub my primetime comments!

Hi Steve,
IMO it should have started with:
HELEN: He’s 16. It’s a school night….And he said he’d be back at eleven.

I agree with job.

And the other thing that's a bit awkward to me is I've never ever heard of a pub called the Dappled Nag (And I've done my research!!) Which makes it sound too made up to fit the punchline.

Steve,
forgive me but what's the joke here? Did the boy's father get up to something so dreadful all those years before that he wanted to stop the boy doing it? In which case, why? Or did the father propose to the mother at that Christmas party? I didn't get it. Put me out of my misery.
As far as the sketches I read in these postings are concerned I'd just say that I was taught a sketch should be written set-up/gag, set-up/gag, set-up/tag. Every line should lead the sketch forward and if it's a page long you need three laughs. Two little ones and a big one at the end.

So many questions..big shoes?? what the hell. Where are the jokes? Once again, i don't really get it. It needs to have more gags in it. Also cut out the first part....big shoes please explain?

Unfortunately the last bit you made up was the only mildly funny bit. Generally real life isn't that funny. There has to me more jokes and it should be more edgy. Call it the Nags Head and then say the Slags Shed or something like that but as its the only joke I wouldn't bother with it anymore.
Also its not a Christmas sketch its a sketch which you happen to have at christmas. I also didn't get the Big Shoes joke, whats that about?

I think teenage boys presence in the house (and the number of visitors they have) can be indicated by the pairs of size 13 trainers left as trip hazards in the hall (or elsewhere).

This debate demonstrates the value of this forum. Loved ones and friends reading a script may understand our 'language', but the gen. pub. may be mystified.

Thanks for all of the feedback. I think the lesson I've learnt here is to come up with it, write it and leave it for a while, then come back to it. Here, I wrote it and posted it. And Charlie, you're probably right, maybe there was no joke.