Okay, so I didn't win (well done WJFK!), so time for some honest opinions.
Cheers
Dan
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TRIBE: UMBONGO
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F/X: DRUM EFFECTS THAT DENOTE THE END OF THE MUSIC OF BBC2'S 'TRIBE'
BRUCE
(V/O) Hi, I'm Bruce Parry. This week I've used the BBC budget to transport back through time to stay with the Umbongo tribe of Stone-Age Stevenage.
INT. BRUCE SITS DOWN AROUND A FIRE OPPOSITE A MAN FROM THE 1950S. HE HAS A RECEEDING HAIRLINE AND LUDICROUS COMBOVER, MILK-BOTTLE THICK GLASSES AND A LAVISH, CURED PIPE HANGS PERMANENTLY FROM ONE CORNER OF HIS MOUTH.
BRUCE
(V/O) I've been invited to meet the new tribe leader, Fred Prudhoe. He was recently elected by a complicated system of putting stones in a bowl constructed of straw. It is a great honour for me to meet this leader. He tells me he is very pleased to see me.
FRED
(EAST MIDLANDS ACCENT)
Hi Bruce. I'm very pleased to meet you.
(SUBTITLES APPEAR ON SCREEN: 'Hi Bruce. I'm very pleased to meet you.')
BRUCE
(V/O) I ask Fred what changes he is planning to his new tribe.
BRUCE (TO TRANSLATER O/S)
What changes is he planning?
TRANSLATER (O/S)
(EAST MIDLANDS ACCENT) Eyup, what changes are you planning?
FRED
Well, first I hope to instil a strict dress code. Out go the loincloths, to be replaced by bri-nylon suits and tank-tops.
SHOT OF NEANDERTHAL WITH DIRTY FACE AND STRAGGLY HAIR IN A SMART SUIT AND UNMATCHED GREEN TANK-TOP. HE LOOKS DOWN AND UP CONFUSED.
FRED (CONT'D)
After we've harvested the nylon we're growing in the south-facing field. Also, I'm looking to have a weekly discotheque to bring a little 'rock and roll' to the area. This will have to be in moderation as I don't want us to indulge in too much 'free love'.
BRUCE
Don't you have seven wives already?
FRED
Yes, of course. That's one of the benefits of being tribal leader; they're here to assist a man with his primal needs.
A LONG LINE OF NEANDERTHAL WOMAN LOOK AT THE CAMERA, UNSURE OF WHAT IS HAPPENING. ONE OF THEM WEARS AN ANIMAL-SKIN APRON.
FRED
(V/O) Basic urges, if you know what I mean. (PAUSE) They cook, clean and look after the children while I listen to the news on the wireless.
CUT TO:
BRUCE AND SOME OF THE TRIBE LEAVING AN OLD-FASHIONED NUCLEAR BUNKER AND WALKING TOWARDS A FIELD.
BRUCE
(V/O) The following day, I'm led outside to help harvest the nylon. I'm quite surprised to see it has actually grown, as I always believed it was a man-made fibre. Nakalula, a village elder, is harvesting it at the instruction of Fred.
NAKALULA SWINGS A STONE-MADE SCYTHE AT NYLON CROPS. THERE IS A LARGE ELECTRICAL DISCHARGE AS WE SEE NAKALULA'S SKELETON THROUGH A SILHOUETTE OF HIS BODY AND A HUGE BANG. HE WRIGGLES ABOUT ON THE FLOOR BEING ELECTROCUTED. FRED REMOVES HIS PIPE PENSIVELY
FRED
Obviously, there is a large problem with static during reaping. We'll have to look into that.
BRUCE
(V/O) I'm inside looking at some of the Umbongo's artwork.
BRUCE IS BEWITCHED BY PRIMITIVE PICTURES OF STICK MEN AND WOMEN THROWING SPEARS.
BRUCE
(ENCHANTED) Wo-ow! These are *amazing*! I can't believe that they use their own blood to colour these drawings in. Although primitive, to be able to scribe stuff into the walls is *amazing*.
BRUCE WALKS FURTHER ALONG THE WALL TO WHERE THE STICK FIGURES ARE BOWING DOWN TO A STICK FIGURE WITH GLASSES, A PIPE AND A DIAMOND-PATTERNED TANK TOP.
BRUCE
(STILL ENCHANTED) And this must be where Fred takes over the leadership of the tribe. It's *amazing*!
BRUCE WALKS ALONG A BIT FURTHER WHERE INTRICATE DIAGRAMS OF PRE-FAB HOUSES HAVE BEEN DRAWN NEXT TO A DETAILED PROJECT PLAN/GANTT CHART
BRUCE
(STILL ENCHANTED) And this must be Fred's vision for the future. It's *amazing*!
TWO NEANDERTHALS STAND NEXT TO EACH OTHER TAKING IN THE SPECTACLE. TRANSLATION OF WHAT THEY'RE SAYING APPEARS BELOW THEM ON-SCREEN.
NEANDERTHAL 1
Ug ug oog.
(TRANSLATION ON-SCREEN: Is he criticising my project plan?)
NEANDERTHAL 2
Um Uh Ugg oo
(TRANSLATION: I think he's saying you've omitted any time for contingency)
NEANDERTHAL 1
Gigga Bombo
(TRANSLATION: Who does he think he is? The software didn't account for it)
BRUCE
(V/O) I'm genuinely disappointed to be leaving the Umbongo tribe after staying for an entire bank holiday weekend. In that time, I've learnt much: never wear a striped shirt with checked trousers, a woman's true place in the home and that Cliff Richard is one to watch in the future.
BRUCE HUGS MANY OF THE TRIBE MEMBERS WHO STILL LOOKED A BIT CONFUSED AS TO WHO HE IS. HE WALKS AWAY FROM THE TRIBE INTO THE DISTANCE WHERE A DELOREAN AWAITS. ITS DOORS OPEN IN A DELUGE OF DRY ICE.
ENDS
