I’m waiting for my friend Audrey, she’s always late. Wait till you see her new jowls and neck-lift. Four grand that cost……four grand! Well, I were gob smacked when she told me. I said yer must be mad, and are you happy with yer nose?
She said, ‘what do you mean?’
Well, I told her straight. You can’t be two faced, can yer?
I said your nose would have been a better investment. Mind you, I said, once you’ve had your bags done and crows feet sorted, it might not look as long and pointed.
Between you and me, she sneezed at her wedding and cut the cake in half with it. She daren’t use a cup.
Her husband said the money’d have been better spent on renovating the front of the house. It’d look better, last longer, and wouldn’t sag like her breast implants did.
I never did understand why she wanted a 44inch bust. I told her, I said, but Marilyn Monroe had the charisma and she just said she couldn’t afford that as well.
I wonder where she’s got to. I bet she’s having her bikini line waxed. She’s going on a cruise for her hols. Imagine that, all 13 stone of her in a bikini. I mean, why does she bother at her age? She retires next year. I said why do constantly stuff your face with food and she said, because I’m addicted to it, just like you’re addicted to nicotine. Not a lot I could say to that.
I hope she’s in a better mood today. She broke two finger nails on Monday while she were typing. It cost her 30 quid to have them repaired. She goes to a beauty salon where she has her hair extensions and botox injections done. She were furious.
Eh, I forgot to tell you. It cost her ten grand to have her mouth fixed. Honest…..ten grand. She had them titanium rods drilled into her jaws with teeth screwed on top. It doesn’t shut her up though and she looks like a contender for the Grand National.
She’s having that laser treatment done on her eyes next. I think that were my fault though, I told her that she didn’t suit contact lens’. Blind as a bat, she is. Well, I suspect she must be if she thinks she looks any better after spending all that money.
Oh, she’s here now……. Hello Audrey love. Yer looking good.
I know, that was my attempt at humour 
whoops.