I lost two cousins on the Herald Free Enterprise disaster.
Their father does up old cars & shortly after they died he was doing up an old post van. He took a picture afterwards & you could clearly make out the shape of 2 girls sitting in the back of the van.
I went to the Tower of London and thought I saw a spectre.
Turned out to be a sceptre though
It was Christmas night and all was dark, when suddenly the Ghost of Christmas past turned up... So I invited him into my bed...2 more turned up and it turned out to be a spectre-ular night!
*shakes head*
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
Alright - I can't write sex jokes... you should see me perform though! 
Ghost: the writing talent of this board's members.
Quote: Charley @ January 8, 2008, 3:27 PMI lost two cousins on the Herald Free Enterprise disaster.
Their father does up old cars & shortly after they died he was doing up an old post van. He took a picture afterwards & you could clearly make out the shape of 2 girls sitting in the back of the van.
Oh, Charlie, that's fab. Can we see the pic? 
I'm dead (sorry for the pun!) into this and love it. Saw my first 'ghost' when I was a kid and have been into it ever since.
Tell all everyone. I love it. 
David, what happened to you, then?
Ah, just reread. Thought it was a bit too good to be true! 
Sam Wheat (Patrick Swayze) and Molly Jensen (Demi Moore) are a happy and loving couple living in New York City. The only problem in their relationship is Sam's apparent discomfort with saying "I love you" to his girlfriend, only responding to her saying it with "ditto." This bothers Molly, who feels she needs to hear him say "I love you" in return.
One night, while walking back to their new apartment after going to the theatre, they encounter a thief named Willy Lopez (Rick Aviles). He pulls a gun, and Sam is injured. Sam chases Willy, but loses him; when he returns to Molly, he sees her cradling his own corpse, and realizes that he is now a ghost, trapped between worlds. Lights descend (presumably from Heaven) to take him away, but he flees.
Sam realizes that the robbery was planned when Willy sneaks into the house and rifles through his belongings. Sam follows Willy home and learns that his close friend and co-worker, Carl Bruner (Tony Goldwyn), hired Willy to rob Sam in order to get his office computer password; Carl is involved in a money laundering deal at the bank where he and Sam worked. Sam had recently changed his computer password, locking Carl out of the phony accounts where Carl had stashed the money. Sam lashes out in frustration at his supposed best friend, but realizes that, as a ghost, he can do little.
Sam fears that Molly is in danger but is helpless, unable to communicate with her. He tracks down Oda Mae Brown (Whoopi Goldberg), a con artist posing as a medium who discovers (through hearing Sam say that her business is a "crock of shit") that she really does have her family's power to hear ghosts, though she cannot see them. She eventually agrees to help Sam, but only after he tortures her by singing "I'm Henery the Eighth, I Am" in a bad English accent over and over again.
Oda Mae reluctantly calls Molly and tells her she is communicating with Sam, but Molly is understandably skeptical. Molly is convinced only when Oda Mae tells her several private things that only Sam could know, most importantly Sam's use of the word "ditto."
Sam encounters a troubled ghost (Vincent Schiavelli) haunting the Subway, who teaches him how to touch and move objects by focusing his emotions on his intended target. He also learns that Oda Mae is now being plagued by ghosts coming from as far away as New Jersey to speak to their living relatives. One briefly possesses her, but it is seen that this greatly saps a ghost's energy. He promises that she will no longer be bothered if she helps him.
Sam and Oda Mae move to thwart Carl's plan. Carl had stolen $4 million and put it in a fraudulent account. Under Sam's instructions, Oda Mae poses as 'Rita Miller' - the name on the account - to withdraw the money, and grudgingly gives the large cheque to two nuns collecting for charity. Carl panics when he realises the account has been closed, and is tormented by Sam, who behaves like a poltergeist and types the word "MURDERER" on his computer.
Carl traces the missing money and ends up at Molly's door, asking about Oda Mae. Molly reveals too much. Carl realizes that Sam's ghost is present and tells him he will be back to kill Molly if he doesn't get the money back. Sam runs off to warn Oda Mae, but Willy arrives soon after. Oda Mae and her sisters escape as Sam terrorizes Willy, prompting Willy to run out into the street in a panic. Willy is hit by a truck, but only realises he is dead when he sees his own corpse. As he does so, the shadows around him rise from the ground and take the shape of demons, which drag him into darkness (presumably Hell) as he screams for mercy.
Molly is still unsure about Oda Mae, but she is convinced after Oda Mae slides a penny under the door and Sam uses his powers to place the penny in Molly's hand (earlier, we see that Sam and Molly save pennies "for luck"). Sam then uses Oda Mae's body to share a passionate moment with Molly, but an outraged Carl storms in and threatens to kill Molly and Oda Mae if he does not get his money. Sam is forcefully ejected from Oda Mae's body and tries to stop Carl, but, as seen before, the possession has left him drained.
Molly and Oda Mae escape to a loft above the apartment, with Carl in pursuit. He tries desperately to catch up with the women and finally gets to Oda Mae, pulling out a gun. Sam's energy is restored and he forces Carl to throw the gun away, but Carl foolishly swings a hanging hook at Sam. The hook passes through Sam's ghostly body, swings back and shatters an open window, which falls on and kills Carl while he is trying to escape. Sam expresses regret as the demons take Carl's terrified spirit away.
When Sam returns to Oda Mae and Molly, Molly can see and hear him, as he has assumed a partly visible form. After saying a final goodbye to Oda Mae, he shares a final kiss with Molly and tells her he loves her, to which she responds with "ditto." Sam then walks off into the bright light (presumably to Heaven).
Quote: Charles E. Lawley @ January 9, 2008, 4:56 PMSam Wheat (Patrick Swayze) and Molly Jensen (Demi Moore) are a happy and loving couple living in New York City. The only problem in their relationship is Sam's apparent discomfort with saying "I love you" to his girlfriend, only responding to her saying it with "ditto." This bothers Molly, who feels she needs to hear him say "I love you" in return.
One night, while walking back to their new apartment after going to the theatre, they encounter a thief named Willy Lopez (Rick Aviles). He pulls a gun, and Sam is injured. Sam chases Willy, but loses him; when he returns to Molly, he sees her cradling his own corpse, and realizes that he is now a ghost, trapped between worlds. Lights descend (presumably from Heaven) to take him away, but he flees.
Sam realizes that the robbery was planned when Willy sneaks into the house and rifles through his belongings. Sam follows Willy home and learns that his close friend and co-worker, Carl Bruner (Tony Goldwyn), hired Willy to rob Sam in order to get his office computer password; Carl is involved in a money laundering deal at the bank where he and Sam worked. Sam had recently changed his computer password, locking Carl out of the phony accounts where Carl had stashed the money. Sam lashes out in frustration at his supposed best friend, but realizes that, as a ghost, he can do little.
Sam fears that Molly is in danger but is helpless, unable to communicate with her. He tracks down Oda Mae Brown (Whoopi Goldberg), a con artist posing as a medium who discovers (through hearing Sam say that her business is a "crock of shit") that she really does have her family's power to hear ghosts, though she cannot see them. She eventually agrees to help Sam, but only after he tortures her by singing "I'm Henery the Eighth, I Am" in a bad English accent over and over again.
Oda Mae reluctantly calls Molly and tells her she is communicating with Sam, but Molly is understandably skeptical. Molly is convinced only when Oda Mae tells her several private things that only Sam could know, most importantly Sam's use of the word "ditto."
Sam encounters a troubled ghost (Vincent Schiavelli) haunting the Subway, who teaches him how to touch and move objects by focusing his emotions on his intended target. He also learns that Oda Mae is now being plagued by ghosts coming from as far away as New Jersey to speak to their living relatives. One briefly possesses her, but it is seen that this greatly saps a ghost's energy. He promises that she will no longer be bothered if she helps him.
Sam and Oda Mae move to thwart Carl's plan. Carl had stolen $4 million and put it in a fraudulent account. Under Sam's instructions, Oda Mae poses as 'Rita Miller' - the name on the account - to withdraw the money, and grudgingly gives the large cheque to two nuns collecting for charity. Carl panics when he realises the account has been closed, and is tormented by Sam, who behaves like a poltergeist and types the word "MURDERER" on his computer.
Carl traces the missing money and ends up at Molly's door, asking about Oda Mae. Molly reveals too much. Carl realizes that Sam's ghost is present and tells him he will be back to kill Molly if he doesn't get the money back. Sam runs off to warn Oda Mae, but Willy arrives soon after. Oda Mae and her sisters escape as Sam terrorizes Willy, prompting Willy to run out into the street in a panic. Willy is hit by a truck, but only realises he is dead when he sees his own corpse. As he does so, the shadows around him rise from the ground and take the shape of demons, which drag him into darkness (presumably Hell) as he screams for mercy.
Molly is still unsure about Oda Mae, but she is convinced after Oda Mae slides a penny under the door and Sam uses his powers to place the penny in Molly's hand (earlier, we see that Sam and Molly save pennies "for luck"). Sam then uses Oda Mae's body to share a passionate moment with Molly, but an outraged Carl storms in and threatens to kill Molly and Oda Mae if he does not get his money. Sam is forcefully ejected from Oda Mae's body and tries to stop Carl, but, as seen before, the possession has left him drained.
Molly and Oda Mae escape to a loft above the apartment, with Carl in pursuit. He tries desperately to catch up with the women and finally gets to Oda Mae, pulling out a gun. Sam's energy is restored and he forces Carl to throw the gun away, but Carl foolishly swings a hanging hook at Sam. The hook passes through Sam's ghostly body, swings back and shatters an open window, which falls on and kills Carl while he is trying to escape. Sam expresses regret as the demons take Carl's terrified spirit away.
When Sam returns to Oda Mae and Molly, Molly can see and hear him, as he has assumed a partly visible form. After saying a final goodbye to Oda Mae, he shares a final kiss with Molly and tells her he loves her, to which she responds with "ditto." Sam then walks off into the bright light (presumably to Heaven).
Hey! I wrote that joke up as a sketch on this very forum! Not one comment as I remember. Here...
https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/3043
I'm watching you, Charley.
Copied and paste from wikipedia.
Quote: Charley @ January 8, 2008, 3:27 PMI lost two cousins on the Herald Free Enterprise disaster.
Their father does up old cars & shortly after they died he was doing up an old post van. He took a picture afterwards & you could clearly make out the shape of 2 girls sitting in the back of the van.
Maybe there were 2 girls in the back of the van. Is your uncle a perv? Were your cousins boys or girls?
Come on woman - explain things more clearly.