Phill
Tuesday 8th January 2008 5:20pm
Eastbourne
211 posts
I like the basic gag, but you might want to think about either shortening it or adding in some funny lines before the pay off.
At the moment you've got 7 straight lines before your first laugh. I time that as being 15-20 seconds of not funny before you get to your laugh. Could you condense all that down? Could it just be one line from the man and then the reveal?
Or could you add in funny lines from the woman instead of just "Yes."?
At them moment, when you know you're about to read something which is funny and you get all the way to the end of the skecth without having read anything funny ... it's a bit off-putting.
Some picky technical notes:
A man dressed like Harrison Ford would probably be wearing jeans and a denim shirt. I think you mean dressed as Han Solo.
All of the man's questions should have a question mark at the end.
The woman's dialogue should be designated as 'off-screen' (O.S.) OR (O.O.V.) otherwise I'm just imagining a normally dressed woman sitting in front of him.
Geeky bits: The Return of the Jedi and Princess Leia.
Overall: it's a good gag, but might be better if presented differently.