Stand-up Monologue Free.

The world is full of ctitics.

Who are those twat panellists on Come While Dancing

Can you breathe in the aids virus???

And the worst of all, The X Factor.

Simon Cowell’s like a panto dame.

“I thought it was average”

Shut up, we’re not talking about you in a public lavatory, with your arse up against a hole in the in the door.

Danni Minogue,

She’s got some nerve, she had to cancel a gig because she’s got so much Botox in her face, her lips don’t move, so she couldn’t mime properly.

Louis Walsh.

If he’s as sneaky as he looks, he’ll have turned over more people than a coroner.

Sharon Osbourne

She’s spent £300.000 on her face and none on her arse.

She trundles across the stage in those full-length frocks like a Darlek on castors.

She must have legs like a snooker table.

Some time ago she had a diamond ring stolen from her house, her and her husband, Dizzy Ozzy, Oi Oi Oi, ( our Welsh chums will get that one) went on TV and told all the world. “We worked hard for that diamond ring, it’s worth £4 million.
Worked hard, fat arse, I reckon the burglar worked harder shinin’ the f**kin’ drainpipe

Didn't work for me sorry, maybe I just can't picture the style of the comic.

Not really my sort of thing I'm a more deliver info > making an assumption > have the assumption swept from under my feet to have the punchline revealed.

You seem to be just getting pissed of at X factor... which is great of course.

Paul, Say that again, or better still show me an example of your stuff

Charisma. PC printing ink is expensive.

I enjoy jokes along the lines of:

"In britain someone has a heart attack every 2 minutes… Poor bastard."

Yes, one of the jokes that doesn't make my routine but you get the idea on the premise of the joke.

Very good.

Yeah, it was pretty harsh stuff. Perhaps in danger of being *too* snidey, if you see what I mean. It's only just raised above the level of plain invective: "X-Factor is shit. I hope they all get AIDS."

...Maybe if the invective were aimed at politicians I would find it more funny? More serious targets to deflate?

Maybe it's because it's not that 'clever'. It's not a world apart from something a mate would say up the pub.

Having said that, I do enjoy a bit of harshness and admit I could well be finding it funny at a comedy club with a few mates and a few beers inside me. Glad I typed that correctly.

Only way to really know is to perform it!!

I aimed it at the drunk comedy club audience. More 'Pub Landlord' than Ken Dodd.

My view Jerf is that it's raw, like some of the other stuff you write, but a jewel in the raw. The piece needs to be worked at, cut, polished, refined (in an unrefined kinda way!) ...there is something shiny coming through the rawness of your style that a few of us can see.

I am firm believer in rewriting and honing stuff. Of course, there has to be something there to hone. And there is in a lot of your stuff Jerf.

Good one, I like the potential of it. If a little of the acid was taken out of some of those gags and they were worked further, sharpened up - it could be dynamite!

Quote: Jerf Roberwitz @ January 7, 2008, 4:09 PM

Sharon Osbourne

She’s spent £300.000 on her face and none on her arse.

View original

She had colon cancer! She spent quite alot on her arse! Comedy heckle

I had no problem with the subject matter or tone it just needs to be a bit more clever. I'll let comedians get away with anything providing they show they have thought about what they are saying.

just needs to be funny, Jerf. it's not. It's a rant.

Paul, you do know that that is a really old joke, don't you?

It actually reminds me of a Charlie Brooker (of Screenwipe fame...just incase anyone was wondering) rant, which i like. So all in all I enjoyed the swipes at the X Factor.

Did you vote for Rhidian?

Wrote it some time ago and sent lots of copies to lots of comics, I don't know any modern ones, my favourite was Arthur Askey, but that dates me doesn't it.
No sooner than I posted it for critique, somebody called Rocky Gervais sent me a fiver, not much but it's a start. Wish me luck.
I didn't actually phone a vote, but he was far and away the best. My kind of music, my kind of singer.

So none of you understand irony eh

I wrote it some time ago, and sent lots of copies to lots of comics.
I posted it today, and would you believe it, somebody called Rocky Gervais has sent me a fiver. Not a lot but it's a start. Wish me luck.

Quote: Paul W @ January 7, 2008, 4:49 PM

I enjoy jokes along the lines of:

"In britain someone has a heart attack every 2 minutes… Poor bastard."

Yes, one of the jokes that doesn't make my routine but you get the idea on the premise of the joke.

View original

jimmy carr does a gag very similar to this. Good though.