Slings and arrows

FIRST SCENE OF A COMEDY WRITTEN BY MARION AND RAY FOLLOWING A GYPSY FAMILY
BEING MOVED FROM SITE TO SITE.
SLINGS AND ARROWS

Loosely based on real events.

A FAMILY OF GYPSIES HAVE JUST DISCOVERED A SPORTS FIELD, SOME PEOPLE ARE SETTING UP FOR AN ARCHERY CONTEST ON THE FOOTBALL PITCH, NEXT TO THIS WE HAVE A CRICKET MATCH TAKING PLACE. IN ADDITION THERE IS A CANAL ON THE FAR SIDE OF THE PITCH. THE GYPSIES, MICHAEL AND IRENE LOWTHER SPEAK IN A VERY BROAD IRISH ACCENT. THE TOURNAMENT ORGANISER AND HIS WIFE, ROBERT AND AUDREY ARE A LITTLE ON THE POSH SIDE. THE SCENE BEGINS AS THE GYPSIES ARE PULLING INTO THE CAR PARK; THEY ARE FOLLOWED BY A FURTHER 6 CARAVANS, HORSE BOXES, WAGONS ETC.

SCENE 1, EXT, MID DAY.

ROBERT: How many boards have we still to erect?

AUDREY: Just 5 more on the far side, and two practise boards.

ROBERT: Good, good, and did you remember to...

THE GYPSIES BEGIN TO ARRIVE

ROBERT: Oh my God! What the...who are? Oh my God.

AUDREY: They look like those travelling types.

ROBERT: I’m afraid they do...right! I’ll handle this.

ROBERT GOES TO MEET THEM

AUDREY: Be careful dearest, don’t touch them, they don’t wash you know.

ROBERT: Hello there! Can I help you? Are you lost?

MICHAEL: Not anymore, I think we’ve just found paradise.

ROBERT: No you don’t understand, this is private property, you can’t park here.

IRENE: And why not? All these other vans are parked here, what’s wrong with ours?

ROBERT: Nothing, but those caravans belong to the archers, we have a tournament tomorrow, we’re just setting up the boards.

MICHAEL: Will you be needing a hand? I’ve a hammer and nails in the van, I’ll soon knock a few of those up for you.

ROBERT: No! No we can manage, look! You’ll have to leave.

AUDREY: We’ll call the police.

MICHAEL: Now why would you want to do that? Have we stolen anything? Have we done anything wrong?

ROBERT: Well yes, you’re trespassing on private property.

AUDREY: We’ll have you moved.

MICHAEL: Look! All we’re after doin is to rest up for a few days, we mean no harm, you won’t even know we’re here.

CAMERA PANS OUT TO WHOLE FIELD, WE SEE FIRES, KIDS RUNNING WILD, HORSES AND DOGS RUNNING WILD, ONE OF THE DOGS HAS CHASED AN ARCHER UP A TREE, ONE OF THE KIDS HAS GOT HOLD OF A BOW, HE’S PUT A YOUNGER CHILD UP AGAINST A TARGET WITH AN APPLE ON HIS HEAD, HE’S JUST ABOUT TO FIRE WHEN IRENE SEES HIM.

IRENE: No! Don’t shoot! Come here you little git! I’ll give you such a thrashing.

IRENE CHASES AFTER HIM

ROBERT: No I’m sorry, I can’t allow it, you have to leave.

MICHAEL: What! Come on man, look at the kiddies, look at their faces, would you deny a child happiness?

ROBERT: No of course I wouldn’t, but...

AUDREY: Children! Huh! They’re behaving like animals, look at them.

MICHAEL: Animals is it? Now I wouldn’t go letting the wife hear you say that.

AUDERY: I speak as I find, look at the mess, there’s horse muck all over.

MICHAEL: Now I happen to know that’s good for the grass, and the horses will cut the grass for you.

IRENE COMES BACK

IRENE: The little bleeder’s too fast for me, I’ll tan his arse later you just see if I don’t, right I’ll get the dinner on...can I get you two a cup of tea?

AUDREY: No certainly not...and you’re not stopping here so I wouldn’t bother preparing a meal.

IRENE: Not stopping! Jesus Michael Lowther have you not sorted it out yet? How about we join in this harchery thing?

ROBERT: Sorry?

IRENE: What times the kick off? My Michael here’s a dab hand with the bows and harrows.

ROBERT: You mean you shoot?

MICHAEL: Well I like a game of darts; sure it can’t be that different.

AUDREY: No! Out of the question...now I suggest you pack your things and leave, and take your filthy disgusting children with you.

IRENE: What’s that you say?

MICHAEL: Now hold on there woman. (To Irene)

IRENE: Hold on! I’ll rip her head off talking like that about my children.

ROBERT: Let’s just calm down here, we don’t want any violence.

IRENE: Then put her back in the kennel and tell her to leave us be.

ROBERT: Kennel! Don’t you talk about my wife as though she were a dog...you...you good for nothing low life?

MICHAEL: Low life is it? (Michael begins to push Robert) I’ll give you low life.

IRENE: Now see what you’ve done! (To Audrey) You’ve got your man all beat up and battered...Let him alone Michael Lowther! (Irene gets between the two men) low life? You can stick your harchery and harrows where the sun don’t shine.

(Irene nuts Robert, he falls to the floor in agony)

AUDREY: Agh! Help! Help! Call the police.

IRENE: Right! I’ll get that dinner on.

I can see the potential for comedy in the situation but didn't find enough strong gags visually or in the script to call it a comedy. Be interesting to see what others think. To me it came over as a straight drama with natural comedy in it (as there is in real life).

I like this idea, it's like an outside version of shameless. Does seems a very expensive opening shot though. Its nicely paced and written and comes across as visually humourous though I can't see any actual jokes, if you know what I mean. Probably need a scene or two more to judge where the plot goes.

Yes, I agree with the Rage.
I also thought the 'posh' characters rather 2D: all that "Oh I say" business I found a bit uninspiring.

As I've said before, if you've an idea it can be for the best to just keep writing it out... often when I compare episode one of something to episode 2, say, there is a marked improvement which continues with each episode. Then's the time to sit on it for a while, then go back and re-write. That's only how I do it though, I know some people find it a waste of time to write more than one episode of a project.

I think it must be envy. That is one of the best on the site I've seen. No gags or punchline, just a slice of life expanded as far as it could go without turning into a farce, like Charley's post earlier. Author, Author. Well done you two. The start of something good.

Thanks for the comments guys, been having loads of trouble with the PC, only just got it running.
Firstly, I played in the cricket match the day most of this happened, it wasn’t funny, it was hilarious.
There is a lot more, such as the two kids trying to nick a barge, an Indian guy complete with turban and bow, (William Patel). All happened. I agree with Rob, it does have a shameless feel to it, but I don’t see that as a bad thing, more of a compliment. In short, we’ll carry on with it for now, there’s a lot of mileage in this.

I too really liked this one Ray.I liked the natural feel to it. Keep going with it. x

I liked the pace of the dialogue and it's well written.

The gags are quite thin on the ground at the minute, but in my opinion the most important thing to get down on paper first is the story.

I didn't find it very funny... but if that was put on TV I'd watch it, it was interesting to read and I'm now going to read the second.

Good day to you sir.

Hey! Just found this and it's very good. Hope you didn't give up on it Ray.

It has rather taken a back seat recently. I still have loads of material should I look to revive it again.

Maybe? Maybe not, dunno.

It's a good setting, and a good idea, a sort of turbo shameless, goodlife combo.

Only problems for me are,

1 Characters are both 2d cliches (poshos, and gypsies).
2 Both scenes are very long, and very little happens.
3 It would be very expensive to film.
4 The conversations become quite static, and banter filled.

It doesn't have any real gags, which isn't always a bad thing. But there's not much humour in the actual interaction.

Maybe a few thoughts,

1 One posho a bleeding heart liberal, the other a daily mail fumer.
2 The gypsies are much, nicer, and more sophisticated.
3 One posho sexually inhibted, and embrassedly turned on by all this unwashed, gypsy flesh running around the field.

Thinking about it's a good solid idea for a sitcom. I think you need to work out how the 2 groups of characters, don't get on with each other. Not just the other two characters, to give more narrative force.