BSG Sketch Comp 7-13.1.08!

Hello and welcome to the first comp of the new year. My resolution is to continue having sex with myself.

The current winner is indeed CHARLEY! You win 10 points and something to bask in. PM me for next week's subject please.

Votes - Points - Name
6 - 10 - Charley
4 - 5 - Dannyjb1
3 - 1 - Paul Watson

... Honourable mention: Nigel Kelly, Jacparov, Winterlight and Tooting Jo.

The new subject is FUNERALS, chosen by Frankie Rage.

Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 13 Jan 2008!!!

Enjoy!

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

60 - Baumski
57 - Frankie
50 - Jude
50 - Charley Rance
23 - Fred Peters
22 - Michael Monkhouse
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
17 - Ellie
15 - Leevil
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
11 - David Chapman
11 - Steven
10 - Swerytd
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
05 - Nigel Kelly
05 - Dannyjb1
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
05 - John Kelly
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Hellboy
01 - Winterlight
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo
01 - Paul Watson

Spot any mistakes? There may be, I wasn't quite sure which were votes and which were just Nice Things To Say, so feel free to PM me. Thanks

VICAR

And now as Lila's body moves slowly through the curtains,
her fiancee Wayne, would like to say a few words.

WAYNE (SOBBING)
I'll never forget Lila.
We were having supper outside Sampreeny's
when she died suddenly.
I'd like to dedicate the following song to her.

ORGAN PLAYS

WAYNE (SINGS)
# I left my tart in Sam's alfresco #

(to the song...I left my Heart in San Francisco)

PINE OVERCOAT

INT DAY. INSIDE A FUNERAL DIRECTORS. A SOBER SUITED MAN STANDS BEHIND A COUNTER AS A CUSTOMER APPROACHES.

Funeral director:
Morning, I assume you’ve come to view our range of coffins?

Man:
Yes

Funeral director:
What was your relationship with the deceased?

Man:
Well.. it’s just..it’s just that -

Funeral director:
I know, it’s hard. Tell you what. I’ll show you the brochure.

Man:
That would be nice

Funeral director:
If you are on a budget, the Essex coffin is very affordable – it’s sturdy and reliable.

Man:
Don’t like the cheap looking handles

Funeral director:
For a hundred more, at 7-9-9, the Sandringham gives you brass handles and Regency stitching.

Man:
Nice. I –

Funeral director:
The Windsor is near the top of the range wit its mahogany finish and panel detail.

Man:
Class.

Funeral director:
Were you very fond of the deceased?

Man:
Tell the truth, the coffin’s for me, for, you know - when me time comes..

Funeral director:
Oh, I’m sorry that you’re ill

Man:
Well, I’m a little sniffly and I’ve got tummy ache.

Funeral director:
I see. Well if you buy today you get a free premium wreath and £149.99 off.

Man:
Really? So it’s best to buy now. Hmm

Funeral director:
The offer is cash only sir.

HE PROFFERS A WAD OF CASH WHICH THE FUNERAL DIRECTOR TAKES.

THE MAN PULLS OUT A PHIAL FROM HIS POCKET AND DRINKS THE POTION WITHIN. HE THEN CHOKES VIOLENTLY AND COLLAPSES INTO THE POSH COFFIN WITH A CONTORTED FACE, UPTURNED PALMS AND FINGERS TENSE LIKE CLAWS.

Funeral director:
A wise choice sir.

THE FUNERAL DIRECTOR SLAMS THE LID DOWN ON THE COFFIN POV THE DECEASED.

THE SCREEN GOES BLACK

DIFFERENT LEAGUES - EPISODE 1, THE NEW CAPTAIN

SCENE 1. INT. - DAY (PUB LOUNGE)
(JOHN, DAVE, LANCE, RACHEL, COLIN, ANNE, MARCUS)

WE ARE IN THE LAUGHING TROUT PUB. THE INTERIOR IS OLD AND DETERIORATING WITH STRIPED AND FADED WALLPAPER, ILL-MATCHING CARPETS AND AN OLD CIGARETTE MACHINE WITH A 'NOT WORKING' SIGN ATTACHED.
INSIDE THE PUB, A BUFFET IS LAID OUT AND PEOPLE ARE HELPING THEMSELVES. WE SEE A WAKE TAKING PLACE, WITH A PICTURE OF 'TONY', THE DECEASED ON THE BUFFET TABLE WITH A SET OF DARTS NEXT TO THEM. A CAKE HAS ALSO BEEN MADE INTO THE SHAPE OF A DARTBOARD.
OUR GROUP OF PEOPLE SITS DOWN AT A LARGE TABLE AND HAVE BEEN THERE FOR A WHILE AS THE GLASSES ARE STARTING TO MOUNT UP. IT IS A SOMBRE AFFAIR.
DAVE IS WEARING A WHITE SHIRT, BLACK TIE AND TROUSERS. HE DOES NOT LOOK COMFORTABLE IN IT. JOHN IS WEARING A BLACK SUIT WITH TIE DONE RIGHT UP TO THE TOP. THE REST ARE SMART BUT CASUAL AND MOSTLY IN BLACK AND WHITE. LANCE HAS LOTS OF 'ARGOS' JEWELLERY ON AS WELL AS SHADES.

JOHN
STANDING UP, HE MAKES A TOAST TO ALL GATHERED IN THE PUB.
Here's to Tony. The best darts player, and friend, I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. May he rest in peace.

ALL
To Tony!

A WOMAN ON THE NEXT TABLE BURSTS INTO TEARS. IT IS TONY’S WIDOW WITH HER FAMILY. JOHN SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE WITH THE DARTS TEAM.

DAVE
I can't believe he's gone. One minute you're hitting double top, the next, you're hitting a double decker.

JOHN
That's life, Dave. When your number's up, your number's up.

LANCE
In Tony's case it was the number 30, to Newport.

RACHEL
Such a horrible way to go!

DAVE
Newport's not that bad.

RACHEL
I meant being run over.

COLIN
I can think of worse ways to die. Like being licked head to toe by three Tibetan yaks with bad breath, until you slowly start to bleed and eventually die from the bacteria in their saliva.

JOHN
I don't think that's very likely, now is it?

COLIN
It might be. If this was Tibet.

ANNE
CLEARLY UPSET
Well ,this is not Tibet Colin, it's Cardiff! There are no yaks here and the only thing with bad breath is you!

JOHN
Anne's right. Apart from the bad breath thing, I’m sure Colin. Perhaps we should all just remember why we’re here. To pay our last respects to our late and great Captain Tony, the Tug, Williams.

DAVE
And to appoint the new captain for the team.

JOHN
I don’t believe you sometimes. Tony’s only been put in the ground this morning and you want to jump in his grave!

LANCE
You’d have a job. He was cremated!

DAVE
SARCASTICALLY
Sorry John, I didn’t realise there was a time period between new appointments! Don’t worry though, I’m sure I can wait another day.

JOHN
You don’t think you’re going to be the new Captain do you?

DAVE
Why not? I’m Vice Captain, it makes sense that I take over.

JOHN
You can’t elect yourself. We all live in a democracy, you know!

COLIN
I don’t. I live in a bungalow.

RACHEL
John’s right. I think we should all have a say on who takes over. We should put it to a vote or something?

ANNE
I agree with Rachel. If I’m going to have any man over me, I’d want a say on who he is an how he got there!

LANCE
ASIDE TO COLIN
He would have to be desperate!

COLIN
And lost.

DAVE
This is ridiculous.

JOHN
What’s the matter Dave, do you think you would lose in a fair fight?

DAVE
Of course not! Anyway, who’s going to stand against their Vice Captain?
ALL LOOK AROUND NERVOUSLY, EXCEPT FOR JOHN.

COLIN
You can count me out.

RACHEL
Me too

LANCE IS ABOUT TO SAY SOMETHING

DAVE
Don’t even think about it Lance. You’d be as useful as a one-armed monkey with a banjo!

ANNE
I have commitments to the WI.

JOHN
I’ll take you on, Mr Vice Captain. I think I can offer a fresh angle, compared to your stale, un-angle approach thing.

DAVE
Bring it on then. I’ll tear you in pieces.

JOHN
I’ll rip you apart.

DAVE
I’ll make mincemeat out of you.

JOHN
I’ll bake you in a pie

RACHEL
Stop it the pair of you! Your both meant to show leadership skills. Not preparing to appear on Ready, Steady Cook!
MARCUS, THE NORTH AMERICAN PUB LANDLORD, COMES TO COLLECT GLASSES FROM THE TABLE.

MARCUS
How are we all doing, team?

MARCUS IS GREETED BY SILENCE.

MARCUS
Sorry, forgot you’re all still grieving, right?

STILL SILENCE
OK, then. I see I’m intruding. I’ll just take these glasses. I take it they’re all dead?

BURST OF CRYING FROM THE NEXT TABLE.

What?
ALL LOOK AT MARCUS, THE INSENSITIVE BEAST!

SCENE 1:

INT. MAN IS SAT READING A NEWSPAPER. WOMAN IS SAT WATCHING HIM.

MAN:
When I've finished this I've got to dash...

WOMAN:
I'm sick and tired of this life, we never go out, you're always working...

MAN (quietly, from behind paper):
Yeah, because you're always spending...

WOMAN:
Why don't I have the luck to win the lottery?

MAN (still quietly from behind the paper):
Maybe it would help if you bought the ticket with your own money!

WOMAN:
Why don't you ever take me on a nice day out?

MAN IGNORES THIS AND RUSTLES THE PAPER

WOMAN:
Why don't you ever agree with me, you pig?

MAN (puts paper down and looks her in the eye):
Maybe because you're always wrong!

WOMAN:
I hate you!

MAN:
So do I!

WOMAN:
We agree on one thing then!

JUST THEN THE PHONE RINGS. MAN ANSWERS, LISTENS AND LOOKS MILDLY PERTURBED.

END OF SCENE.

SCENE 2:

EXT. A LOVELY SUNNY DAY.

MAN (cheerily, to tearful woman, now dressed in black):
Well, you wanted a nice day out!

CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL A FUNERAL SERVICE WITH A WREATH MARKED "BELOVED MUM"

SCENE. INT. CHURCH. DAY.

ANDY approaches the plinth wear the vicar has finished speaking.

ANDY:
(Welling up) Frank, what can I say, I good man, no. A great man. Every single person here’ll miss him. I know that for a fact. He was always a practical joker, and ladies and gentlemen… this is one of them!

ANDY jumps off the Plinth and walks over to the coffin.

ANDY:
(Removing the top) We set you all up from the start.

The crowd gasps.

ANDY takes off the top and lifts the slumped body inside.

ANDY:
Look we even put fake make up on him and everything (shaking the body) Come on Frank you can wake up now! Frank!

ANDY drops the body

ANDY:
Oh god, (to himself) Wait if this isn’t Frank’s body then… Oh shit I’m at the wrong funeral! Sorry for your loss everyone!

ANDY runs out of the church.

CUT TO:

A VICAR at a plinth in a different church. The Vicar is finishing his sermon.

VICAR:
We shall now commend Frank to the lord all might Jesus Christ… Oh lord! guide him on his new life. as he shall be cremated and returned to the earth from where he came.

CUT TO:
Inside the coffin.

FRANK:
Where the f**king hell is Andy?

END.

FRANK:
Where the f**king hell is Andy?

Ace sketch geezer love it to bits!

EXT. DAY. CEMETERY

SCENE 1
LEN GANLEY, UNION REP IS SPEAKING TO TEN MEMBERS AT WORK.

LEN: Comrades, our industry is facing difficult times ahead. Mechanisation of grave digging could spell the death knell for us.

GD VOICES: It’s a dying trade… Stiff competition.(sniggers)

LEN: (sternly) Don’t you understand that your jobs are at risk?

GD VOICE: But we don’t mind using mini diggers, its less spadework.

LEN: It takes two men one day to dig a grave. Right. With a digger it’ll take three hours at most.

GD VOICES: No way, six hours… Eight…Ten when you’re on double time.

LEN: (impatiently) Anyway, forget about that for now. Believe you me, jobs will be lost.

A PHONE BLEEPS IN THE CROWD.

GD VOICE: (shouting) Len, I just got a text from the vicar. There’s a funeral here today.

LEN: Christ, I was told there were no burials on today.

GD VOICE: (shouting) I can see a hearse Len and its coming this way - slow!

LEN: (panicking) Holy shit! Everyone hide!

LEN DIVES INTO A GRAVE.

SCENE 2
A HEARSE ARRIVES AT THE GATE AND A GRAVEDIGGER CREEPS OVER.

GD VOICE: Cheers bruv, I owe you one.

DRIVER: Where is he?

GD VOICE: He’s lying in that grave there. (pointing)

DRIVER: Ha, ha. Make sure you get a picture of him on your phone. See ya later. (drives off laughing)

SCENE 3
GRAVEDIGGERS WALK TOWARDS GRAVE. SURROUND IT AND PEER IN.

GD VOICE: Len, there’s no funeral. We were pulling your leg.

LEN: (losing it) You f**kin’ bastards. I’ve had it up to here with your pranks. What sort of men are you, letting me lie in some poor c**ts freshly dug grave. Get me out of here. I'll teach you respect.

GD VOICE: We dont know respect. But, we know the one she did with George Michael.

GD VOICES: ( all the gravediggers singing and laughing ) I knew you were waiting (for me)!

ENDS.

Priest (Slightly drunk)
(Hiccups) We are gathered here today to bury the bitch that turned from a heterosexual God fearing woman into a lesbo.

Mourner
Father do you mind. Have some respect for the dead.

Priest
(Hiccups) Gosh! Okay I will rephrase. We are gathered here today to burn the scheming tart who allowed a good tongue raping & forgot she was once, a cake baking fate organising, doll knitting, (Shouts)MARRIED TO A MAN, God fearing woman.

Mourner
Father please.

Priest
(Burps) Gosh! Okay look lets start again shall we. (Clears his throat) We are gathered here today in unholy union to sizzle the whore who turned from enjoying chicken to woman breasts. A once God fearing woman who cut all her hair off & shopped in the mens section of Marks & Spenser & the like. (Hiccups)I saw her you know. Trying on some MENS trousers her & her SLUT.

Mourner
Father please! (Sobbing)

Priest
(Spews up) Gosh. Look at all that. (Points at his sick) Ewwwwwww! Right where was I. Ok we are gathered here today to melt the slag that went from a God fearing woman....... (Hiccups)(Far away look in his eyes). She always liked to lick those stamps. You know everyday she would lick those stamps, insist on it she would & the envelopes.(Does a stamp licking impresion GOSH! OK!! We are gathered here blah blah blah, to boil the bag...(Laughs) A boil in the bag lesbo...(Starts to bust out laughing)

Mourner
(Tearful)
Father Please just stop it now. You are a disgrace to your proffesion.

Priest
(Hiccups) I am sorry son. I just simply can not speak nice things about your mother. Not after (Shudders) I just cant.

Mourner
But Dad!

SCENE
HOME FOR RETIRED ENTERTAINERS

CAST
ARTHUR, HALF OF KNIFE THROWING ACT
FRED AND ELSIE, COMEDY DUO
SAMMY, VENTRILOQUIST
CHUNKY, DUMMY

THERE'S ALWAYS A ROW AT FUNERALS

ARTHUR THE KNIFE THROWER HAS DIED SUDDENLY OF HEART ATTACK.

IT WAS GENERAL KNOWLEDGE HE WANTED TO BE BURIED.

HAVING NO FAMILY OF HIS OWN

THE OLD ENTERTAINERS DECIDED TO HONOUR HIS WISH.

IN KEEPING WITH THEIR OLD FASHIONED CUSTOMS.

ARTHUR WOULD BE LAYED OUT IN HIS COFFIN WITH THE LID OFF

ON A TABLE IN THE SITTING ROOM OF THE HOME.

ON THE MORNING OF HIS FUNERAL.

SO HIS SHOW-BIZ PALS CAN BID THEIR LAST FAREWELLS.

THEY LINE UP TO SAY THEIR GOODBYES

ELSIE
Goodbye old fellow, don’t suppose the rest of us will be far behind you.

FRED
Yeah, cheerio mate, and you just having had your song of the niles done

SAMMY
I’ll drink a gokkle of gear to your health.

FRED TO ELSIE
Gokkle of Gear?

ELSIE
I know what he means.

AFTER ALL THE RESIDENTS HAVE FILED BY

FRED SLIDES THE LID BACK ONTO THE COFFIN

HE TAPS IT WITH HIS FINGERS AND SAYS GOODBYE.

THE FUNERAL DIRECTORS COME FROM THE BACK OF THE ROOM

AND SCREW THE LID DOWN

FRED
Your last chance mate, knock three times if you’re not dead.

FUNERAL DIRECTORS CARRY COFFIN TO HEARSE

MOURNERS GET INTO TWO OTHER CARS

THE CONVOY DRIVES AWAY SLOWLY

SAMMY
Stop, I’ve forgotten Chunky.

ELSIE
You can’t take a dummy to a funeral

SAMMY
I can’t leave him, he’ll be lonely

SAMMY RUNS BACK INTO HOUSE

ELSIE
He’s losing it you know, you can’t take a bloody dummy to a funeral

FRED
He won’t find it

ELSIE
Fred, you’ve buried it in the garden, you rotten bugger, mind you it’s the best place for it.

FRED
Shush, he’s coming back

SAMMY
I can’t find Chunky. Have you kidnapped him Fred, you better not have.

FRED
Sammy, kidnap Chunky, don’t be silly, we were pals.

FRED LOOKS AT ELSIE AND RAISES HIS EYEBROWS

SAMMY GETS INTO THE CAR.

THEY SPEED OFF TO CATCH UP WITH THE OTHERS

WHEN THEY GET TO THE CEMETARY THE COFFIN IS LAYING ACROSS

THE GRAVE ON TWO TIMBER PROPS

THE MOURNERS AND THE VICAR ARE WALKING TO THE GRAVE

FRED SINGS
It’s the final countdown

ELSIE
Don’t be disrespectful

FRED
Death, end of life, kaput, no more

ELSIE
Come on Sammy, cheer up

THE VICAR SAYS ALL THE THINGS VICARS SAY AT FUNERALS

THE ATTENDANTS PULL OUT THE TIMBER PROPS AND LOWER

THE COFFIN A FOOT DOWN

THEN SUDDENLY STOP.

ATTENDANT
There’s a noise coming from the coffin

VICAR AND MOURNERS QUICKLY STEP BACK FROM GRAVE

EVERYBODY LISTENS INTENTLY

THE VICAR THINKS HE HEARS SOMETHING.

VICAR
Holy Mother of God, quick, pull the coffin up

THE COFFIN IS PULLED UP AND LAYED ACROSS THE TIMBER PROPS

THE LID IS QUICKLY UNSCREWED AND SLID BACK

ARTHUR IS AS DEAD AS A DOORNAIL

BUT ALSO IN THE COFFIN IS CHUNKY

SAMMY RUNS TO THE COFFIN AND PICKS UP CHUNKY

CUDDLES HIM CLOSE

PUTS HIS FACE NEXT TO CHUNKY’S

SAMMY
Who did this to you?

CHUNKY
Bad uncle Fred, bad man

SAMMY
He’s a naughty boy, what do we do with naughty boys

CHUNKY
They have to sit on the naughty step

SAMMY GETS INTO A CAR WITH CHUNKY

EVERYBODY ELSE GET IN THE OTHER CARS

EXT. GARDEN. DAY.

TIM SITS VERY DESTRAUGHT ON A SWING, TWO OF HIS FRIENDS CHRIS AND STEVE ENTER THE SHOT.

CHRIS
I Hate to see him like this, he's normally the life and soul.

STEVE
Yeah, he's been like it ever since he buried his dad.

THE BOTH WALK UP TO HIM AND KNEEL DOWN BESIDE HIM.

CHRIS
Tim, we just want you to know we are here for you.

STEVE
Yeah if there is anything we can do...

VOICE (OFF)
Feck Him! What about bloody me...

WE ZOOM OUT TO REVEAL TIM'S DAD BURIED UP TO HIS NECK IN THE GARDEN.

DAD
Little Bastard!

AND EVIL GRIN APPEARS ON TIM'S FACE.

END

Steve is giving a speech after his Mothers Funeral.

Steve
Well, I'd just like to start by thanking everyone for turning up, Mum would have been so proud, her battle against cancer was hard and, well, she went through an awful amount of pain and yet she still managed to keep a smile on her face.

(PAUSES FOR MOMENT TO COMPOSE HIMSELF)

Steve
She would have also been proud to see that the whole day has been completely dignified and not at all tacky or tasteless. Well thats all really, once again would just like to thank everyone for making this day well as good as it could have been.

(LEAVES STAGE TO APPLAUSE, KEITH REPLACES HIM ON STAGE)

Keith
That was lovely Steve, I echo everything he said, Martha was a lovely and dignified lady who I was privileged to meet.

(KEITH TAKES A LARGE BREATHE TO COMPOSE HIMSELF)

Keith
However, on a positive note I would know like to introduce are special guests who are making a special comeback with their 1990's hit Tragedy, Its Steps!!!

(CAMERA CUTS TO STEVE, HAS BLANK EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE AND CLAPS SLOWLY)

Fatally Floored

Man enters bedroom...

Tumult, screams and giggles from under the sheets. A guy's head pops out...

MAN: Eric! You bastard - my best friend... Lucky I got this handy.

He pulls out a pistol, shoots him.
Woman screams, her head pops out.

Woman. Who the f**k are you?

Man: Bugger wrong house. Sorry...

SCENE: CLICHED RAINY FUNERAL SETTING ON GRASSY HILL. THE VICAR IS DROPPING SOIL INTO THE OPEN GRAVE. TWO MEN STAND BY, TOM AND JERRY.

VICAR:
Ashes to ashes...

DIALOGUE OVER:

TOM:
I'm glad you're here mate. Keep me company.

JERRY:
Not much of a turnout, is it? No, your dad didn't have many friends. He didn't have any friends.

TOM:
It's a comfort. I'm glad you're here, mate.

JERRY:
Lonely man. Bristly, I think is the word. Unfriendly.

TOM:
Alright.

JERRY:
Still, on the bright side, he lives on in you: you're just like him.

TOM:
Yeah. I'm not that much like him.

JERRY:
Well, every cloud... I thought I'd cheer you up with a fact. Hold on to your seatbelt: "FUNERAL" is an anagram of "FLANEUR", a word which means, wait for it- (GETS OUT DICTIONARY) "An aimless idler; a loafer."

PAUSE. JERRY CHUCKLES.

Ironic. He died in front of the telly, didn't he?

BEMUSED REACTION FROM TOM.

ENDS

Another one from the 2007 archive, I really must write something new!!

Bones & Ashe Part 3 – Some Body!

EXT DayBusy High Street

An elderly lady (EDITH) in her late seventies, dressed in black and veiled, leans heavily on the arm of her son (CHARLES, 50-ish). They are very slowly making their way along the pavement. They stop outside a ‘shop’ and glance at the sign over the door that says: ‘Bones & Ashe, Funeral Directors. Est. 1876’.

CHARLES:We’re there Mum… let’s go in.

EDITH:Thank you Charles… you’re such a good boy.

Charles and Edith enter Bones & Ashe.

INT DayBones & Ashe front office

The dingy office is empty. There is a small bell on the counter. Charles presses it.

F/X Bell Ting

Charles and Edith stand and wait quietly.

F/X Sound of flushing loo from rear of premises

Mr Ashe enters, somberly dressed, adjusting his belt and buttoning his coat.

ASHE:Ah, so sorry to keep you. My name’s Ashe… how can I help you?

CHARLES:Good afternoon Mr Ashe. This is my mother… Mrs Edith Titmouse. She is naturally very distressed at the passing of her husband… that’s Mr Fre… I mean the ‘late’ Mr Fred Titmouse… you brought him here two days ago. My mother wonders if it would be possible to see him… just the one last time… before the… uhm… funeral… on Friday. She hopes it won’t be too much trouble for you.

Edith lets out a choking sob and clings even more firmly to Charles’ arm.

ASHEf course… of course… it’s no problem at all… if you will just follow me I will have my assistant, Clayton, arrange for an immediate viewing… our aim is always to please… come this way.

Ashe leads Edith and Charles through a door at the rear of the front office, down a corridor and through another door at the end.

INT DayBones & Ashe Serenity Parlour

ASHE:Here we are… our Serenity Parlour… if you would just like to wait here a moment I will have Clayton make the necessary arrangements for you.

GRAMS low volume funeral parlour organ muzak

Ashe leaves the couple in a small candlelit room. There are three or four armchairs and a central table stacked with periodicals such as ‘Morgue Monthly’, ‘The Funereal Gazette’, ‘Professional Taxidermist’ … and (of course) the obligatory 7 year old back numbers of ‘Woman’s Own’. On a side table there are several vases containing an assortment of tastefully arranged bouquets. Across the end of the room there are a pair of heavy velvet curtains, currently closed. Edith and Charles settle into two of the armchairs and wait.

INT – DayBones & Ashe Preparation Room

Clayton is seen working in the preparation room. He is filling an enormous syringe from a large glass demijohn containing an obnoxious-looking green liquid. He is wearing a pair of headphones connected to a music device fastened to his belt.

F/X ‘tsss tsss tsss’ sound of beat music from Clayton’s headphones

As he works Clayton jigs up and down to the music. Ashe enters…

ASHE:Clayton…

Clayton cannot hear with his headphones on.

ASHE: [repeats, very loudly]C L A Y T O N!

Clayton jumps as he realises he has a rare visit from Ashe and pulls off his headphones.

CLAYTONh… Mr Ashe… I though you were away this afternoon… do you want me for something?

ASHEf course I do, otherwise why would I be here? Stop what you’re doing and go and find Titmouse will you… there’s a woman with her son here… they’re in the Serenity Parlour as we speak… just tidy Titmouse up and then move the deceased to the SP viewing area please.

CLAYTON: No prob… (uhm) where exactly is this ‘Titmouse’ at the moment?

ASHE:How am I supposed to know… you received the remains… two days ago… I assume you know where you put them. Come on… chop! chop!… don’t keep the customers waiting.

Ashe leaves the Preparation Room.

CLAYTONam it! [Muttering to himself] Titmouse?… Titmouse?… Which one was that? Must be in the freezer somewhere… better go an’ look I suppose.

We follow Clayton as he heads towards the freezer room. He opens the enormous stainless steel door, walks in and starts to examine the labels on the variety of containers arranged along one wall.

CLAYTON:[Still muttering to himself as he reads the labels] Arkwright… Eccles… Johnstone… Peters… Rudge… Titmarsh… OK… that sounds a bit like it… let’s have a look.

Clayton opens the container, confirms the label attached to the corpse’s left big toe reads ‘Titmarsh and heaves the body out onto a table. The body isn’t that of the intended ‘Titmouse’ at all but that of 23 year old lap dancer from Essex who unfortunately got in the way of a drug war shootout in a Clapham nightclub during the previous week.

CLAYTON: [Still to himself]Cor… this one’s a looker… what am I supposed to do ‘ere then?… looks OK to me… better just stick ‘er on the posh trolley and wheel ‘er in I ‘spose.

Clayton fetches the viewing trolley (the one with the ornamental drapes and brass candlesticks mounted on each corner) and carefully lays the girl out, arms akimbo, and sets about applying make-up and other cosmetic necessities usual for viewing purposes. He selects a silk sheet from a drawer and gently lays it across the corpse. Satisfied with his work he heads for the Serenity Parlour Viewing Room with the trolley.

INT Day Bones & Ashe Serenity Parlour Viewing Room

We see Clayton enter with the trolley and carefully place it’s wheels over some chalked ‘X’ marks on the floor. He exits after leaving the trolley in it’s prescribed position.

INT Day Bones & Ashe Serenity Parlour

Ashe enters and approaches Edith and Charles.

ASHE:My dear friends… the arrangements you requested have been made…

[Ashe reaches for the curtain pull in order to reveal the Viewing Room].

ASHE: [continues]… it is time for you to view your loved one in their state of eternal peace.

Ashe tugs on the curtain pull. There is silence from both Edith and Charles, then:

CHARLESh my God… is that truly my father?

EDITHure is. Despite being 102 in March, over the last year he’d grown boobs, dyed his hair, undergone several face lifts, insisted on wearing that tarty make-up (even when we went for the weekly shop at Tesco) cross-dressed, spent most nights out in gay bars or whooping it up in the local disco, demanded incessant sex, signed up as a ‘Young Conservative’… and generally set out to piss me off completely for most of the time. Come on… we’re going home… and if you turn out like he did you can expect to have your botty smacked.

End of Bones & Ashe Part 3 – Some Body