"I'll just wind the clock up"
"Why? What's the poor bugger done to you"
..............................
"I'll just turn the kettle on"
"Ooh! Lucky kettle."
Quips
Quote: bushbaby @ January 6, 2008, 12:36 PM"I'll just wind the clock up"
"Why? What's the poor bugger done to you"..............................
"I'll just turn the kettle on"
"Ooh! Lucky kettle."
The second one is as old as the hills.
A better version follows:
. . .
. . .
How do you turn the lights on?
Give them a rub.
yeah, I've been sayin' 'em for years, just thought I'd kick off a thread for others to add to it.
You're very negative Seefacts. You'd make a brilliant editor
Oh, okay if it's just one liners we're after then that could be fun.
I remember saying to my boss once (regarding not wanting to do something) 'I'll feel a bit of dick [doing that]' to which he said 'Then watch where you're putting your hands'
Made me laugh all day.
My mate Glen came up with a good one. He was slagging off the Germans when his form tutor (this was several years ago!) said: "Well, you've got to give the Germans their dues," to which he replied: "I wouldn't if I were you." 
I remember getting told off in an English lesson when I was about 15 because when the teacher was telling us about some outstanding piece of work some kid a few years below had written - with the remit to write a dramatic piece about a chase - I said 'Could they write about Chevy Chase?'
I stand by that being the funniest thing I've ever said.
'Pot in hot water for calling the kettle black'
My Uncle on seeing my baby son for the first time.
"What the f**k! That baby is purple. I dont like purple people. I am not having no purple great nephew"
Not really a one liner, but something that still makes me laugh to this day:
The scene is 1999 and I am a 16 year old in a history lesson. My history teacher has just picked on me to answer the question: "What was Stalin's motto throughout the 1930's?".
It was something like "Socialism is power". Now, I knew the answer and my teacher knew that I knew the answer, but I decided to answer with:
"Hmmmmm, was it, was it 'Look before you leap'?"
She then slammed her textbook down and called me the most arrogant person she'd ever met.